A
female
age
13-15,
anonymous
writes:Do you think my mom will think anything of it if she finds a lighter in my purse? I don't smoke, I just have one for friends that do that forget their own sometimes. Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2009): You sound like a you're good thoughtful friend. Be careful you don't get too much 'standby' stuff for your friends though - you could be carrying an awful lot of lipsticks, tampons, tissues and condoms around for your friends and then your mother would really be worried if she ever emptied out your purse!
If your friends forget their lighters they can't need a smoke that badly. You should look after your own needs and let your friends worry about their own. Let their mothers worry - not yours.
A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga  + ♥, writes (10 February 2009):
 Yes i think she will think your probably smoking! if you dont smoke then maybe you should not carry one on you, let your friends that do smoke carry their own, that way saves you any aggro if at any time your mum should find it. Plus if you are found with a lighter on you at school your parents could be sent for and how will you explain that to them?
Gina
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A
male
reader, Tomas +, writes (10 February 2009):
One thing to watch out for. If they are like "dang I forgot my lighter" and you are like "here use mine", then you are sorta setting yourself up as the 'cool girl who smokes' (why else have the lighter).
So someone you like takes out a cigarette, you offer them a light, they are like "cool, want one?" ... and you like them (a guy or just cool potential friend) ... it will be very easy to take one as well, to fit in. If you don't want that to happen, make sure you have a good answer you are comfortable with, and not "I just had one", because eventually if you are acting the smoker part, you'll have to put up or shut up. If you know how to play cool without having to smoke the cigarette to fit in, you'll be more relaxed about the whole thing.
Better at least to have a clever answer or two ready that fits your personality. You just like burning things not smoking them, you have a bagful just for concerts, you're getting ready for the fourth of july, whatever works for you and your peeps.
(also What everybody else said about smoking; kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. But to each his own.)
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A
male
reader, mirrorimg361 +, writes (9 February 2009):
Yes, they are handy, but when you offer someone yours, your are enabling them to continue doing something that is bad for them, and you to be around. Fueling their addiction by helping them smoke isn't helpful. And I'm sure if you're at a bbq other people will have a lighter.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust case they anyone needs one. Like i'm also in the bathrom at school && girls are like dang, i fogot my lighter && i say oh here use mine && i mean there are many other reson to have a lighter. I needed one when i was at a bbq. They come in handy.
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A
male
reader, mirrorimg361 +, writes (9 February 2009):
Personally, I don't think you should have a lighter for your friends in case they forget theirs. You don't need to enable their habit. Smoking is dangerous to those who do it and those around them, do you really want to fuel their addiction? As for jumping to conclusions, yes, I think she might, so what Tomas said might be advisable. If you want any more advice, or anything, just message me and I'll write back soon.
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A
female
reader, sofiamorgan +, writes (9 February 2009):
 I know that my mother would and so would I.
Many of my friends smoke, but I don't have a lighter just to help them out if they forget theirs.
Out of interest why do you keep a lighter handy for them?
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A
male
reader, Tomas +, writes (9 February 2009):
If you really have no intention of smoking at all, you could try going to her and telling her. Let me back up.Most parents really worry about their kids closing up, and then making mistakes on their own (drugs, sex, drinking, smoking) ... mistakes that can have lasting consequences.Most parents are torn between wanting to set firm boundaries (like guardrails on mountain roads) and wanting to keep communication open with their children so they will listen. They're afraid that if they are too understanding, their kids will think it is okay/safe to do things that the parents believe will get them hurt.SO:If a kid goes to her parents with something like:"Mom, I have something I want to tell you, and I'm nervous about telling you. Some of my friends have started smoking. I don't want to get them in trouble, and I don't want to smoke either. They aren't pressuring me to smoke."(By the way - this part is all about saying "I'm trying to talk to you, and tell you I am safe, I know how to keep myself safe, and you can trust me".)"The reason I'm telling you is that I bought a lighter so that I could have one in case they forget theirs. I don't want you to find it and worry about me. I'm not smoking or planning on smoking. I hope it is okay to talk to you about this."(That part is saying "I'm taking a risk - hanging our with smokers. But I'm being responsible about it, talking to you like a grown-up. I need you to treat me like a grown up if I'm going to share this with you." Parents want you to share that stuff.)Expect to hear that she is worried, that people who hang out with smokers are more likely to smoke themselves (peer pressure), and people who smoke when they are young are more likely to get addicted, and get sick and die. Expect also to perhaps be watched during the mini-lecture to see if you are rolling your eyes. Don't roll your eyes. She knows one day you'll on your own, and your only protections will be what you've learned from her (and your Dad, if applicable). Adolescence is the part where parents get to see if they've prepared you enough, if they need to worry.If you approach her, act like an adult, and don't get defensive, she will see you as more of an adult, and be more inclined to think that you are mature enough to resist peer pressure. Thus you are safer. Bonus: she'll be more likely to believe you.But if you are planning on smoking (even if just some puffs of your friends' cigarettes), and you give that talk above, and she finds out you flat-out lied to her, you may get zero-tolerance from there on out. So if you're going to speak up, it *really* needs to be the truth.
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A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (9 February 2009):
 As a father, I know I'd jump to conclusions. Because, as a teen, I didn't stock up and supply friends with items they may forget.
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