A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I really loved cunnilingus, in fact I enjoyed it more than receiving oral sex, and for many years it was an important part of our lovemaking, but my wife went off it a long time ago. She thinks she's "dirty" down there. I haven't even seen her vagina close up for years. If it wasn't for the interenet, I would have forgotten what a clitoris looks like. Why do some women get so negative about their bodies, and it there anything that can be done about it? I really miss eating her out, and she used to love it too.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2009): Do you like sharing your deep, dark secrets with your wife? Do you like when she keeps asking you questions about terrible things that have happened in your past? Women love it. Women love diving threw a man’s heart, soul, and mind. We want to see every corner of it no matter how much it repulses him it is there. At the beginning of your relationship you may have told her some very intimate things because you wanted to please her and get closer to her. Just to have the experience with her. But as time goes on you don’t want her in the dirty places of your mind. The same is true for a lot of women and oral sex. It is someone diving into a part of you that has always felt kind of gross, simple for biological reasons. While you can’t imagine anything more intimate or loving, to her it is looking into the ugliest part of her. At the beginning she was OK with it because she wanted to please you but now she wants you away from that part of her that she feels in kind of gross. Just like she can’t dive into the dark places of your mind all the time she may not want you in the dark places of her body. Also some people are “givers” by nature. Laying there just receiving pleasure may make her uncomfortable.The only advice I would have is next time you do it be very vocal. Tell her how much you love it while doing it. How great she tastes or how beautiful you think it is down there. Say things that don’t make her feel dirty (i.e. no porn talk). Make sure its all “beauty” and “love” not “hot” and “sexy”. Those words may not seem like a big deal but they speak volumes to women. If she always says no, ask if you can do it on your birthday. That will show her how much you really want to do it and she will probably be willing to do it. Then you can try the praising. It may make her a tiny bit more open. But she may always see her vagina as dirty. That’s just the way it is.
A
female
reader, mitta +, writes (1 July 2009):
Have you had any children in the past few years? Childbirth can change how a woman looks and feels about herself down there... But Women can get strange ideas about their bodies and convince themselves they are hideous for no reason.Tell her that it bothers you that she is hiding herself away from you and ask her why shes doing it. She needs to build her confidence up again to let you see her down there. Softly tell her how much she turns you on and how she is perfect. Tell her about how you miss going down on her and that you thought she liked it. Tell her that she is perfect, and even if she doesnt thik she is you love her so much it doesnt matter. Dont go too hard with it, she might feel like you are nagging her or forcing her to show you. But just build her up day by day slowly.It might take weeks months or even years! It may never happen but I feel all she needs is a confidence boost. I had to do the same with my partner, who was ashamed of his manhood beause he's circumcised... Can you believe that?! Now Iv helped him build his confidence up and we enjoy great oral sex and he cant believe he missed out all these years over something so silly.HTH
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A
female
reader, Karlin24  +, writes (1 July 2009):
 Well, a vagina is like a nose in an armpit. It has secretions, but unlike the nose, you can't sniff. So it is moist always. And like an armpit, it sweats. It's all squashed up in there all day, sweating and moist. It's not a pretty thing after a long day. This makes many women feel subconcious about a man going down on them. Try it only after she has showered and is fresh, this might help relieve her insecurities. Also, no offense, but maybe your technique isn't working for her. Our needs change and what worked last month, may not work this month. As a hint, try the suck and flick method. Lightly suck the clit into your mouth and flick it with your tongue, fast like a vibrator. While doing this, if you place your hand on her lower abdomen just above her pubic bone, and give light pressure, it will increase sensation for her due to pressure on the G spot. Not saying you don't already know good eating, but sometimes a change to mix things up can make a big difference.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 July 2009):
 Hmmm. If she really loved it, why would she go off it so finally? That doesn't make sense to me.
My strategy to deal with this would be to initiate a very intimate talk about this, NOT in bed. I'd find a way to ask her about ALL her thoughts about cunnilingus and your "performance" (HATE that word here, sorry), and I think it's possible the "dirty" is just an excuse.
I hate to suggest something that might upset you, but I have to mention this. It may be that she didn't really like the techniques you used but was too shy or too concerned about hurting your feelings. Maybe she's not really been happy with her sexual response to it or she's so nervous and uptight about it, she can't enjoy it at all.
The point I'm trying to make is that you have to be prepared to hear some things you might not like. Perhaps you're not as good at oral sex as you think you are, or she doesn't like some of the things you like to do. Perhaps you are too rough, or spend too much time on a certain area that does nothing for her, or she is too sensitive (the clit can be VERY sensitive and it can actually be very uncomfortable and downright painful if there's too much direct or rough contact in some women). Perhaps she doesn't reach orgasm through oral sex and just doesn't want to disappoint you or fake it. So if you're really sure you'll be okay with hearing something negative or surprising about you or her, gently push this conversation forward.
Let's face it, women face a lot of pressure to be perfect and beautiful--that's what society seems to value. If the average woman compares herself to a porn star, well, it's not a good feeling. I can't get rid of pubic hair without some bumps and I certainly have never worn body makeup and have zero tan lines. I'm older, so I'm not as youthfully firm as a 20-something or a performer whose body must be perfect in order to make money. We're told we must have no hair and that we should smell like perfume down there(that's what those douche ads are about). Well, it can get pretty intimidating.
If you really want to know what's going on in her head, you're going to have to push past the "I'm dirty" excuse. Maybe the real reason is "it's dirty" (ie. forbidden) or "I'm ugly" (ie. can't compare to celebs or porn stars) or "I don't enjoy it but don't want to disappoint you, so I just avoid the issue altogether."
There are so many women who post here that their husbands/lovers won't go down on them, she doesn't know what she's got! Sorry, couldn't resist my little aside comment aimed at her.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, betty_black +, writes (1 July 2009):
 Time isn't flattering too our bodies, everything drops as im sure you yourself know and women get more self concious about it than men do. She obviously has a problem with the way it looks now... Talk to her about it, tell her how much you love doing it and how you dont care what she thinks about it you still think shes beautiful!! If she really doesnt want to you'll have to accept her wishes and go without!
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