A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all! I have been seeing a guy for the last couple weeks,we just had our 3rd very succesful date with each other yesterday. He is very sweet and sometimes will say things that just make me melt. He doesn't hold back on what he thinks or play any games and I like that about him. But there is something strange happening. I know that he has a past history of being promiscuous....very promiscuous. His college days were filled with sex,and no relationships to speak of. Just random hook ups. He gave me this long story and basically he had a couple of run ins with some women who REALLY did him wrong early on in his dating life,and decided he didn't want anything to do with relationships. With the story he told me,I can't even blame him for not wanting to have a relationship with women.Now that he's grown up a little and out of college he is seeking a relationship once again. We have gotten along very well,but what is odd is that for somebody who has admittedly had sex with a good many people,he is very un-sexual towards me. I don't understand it or know how to deal with it. I know it's only been 3 dates but we have only held hands and kissed...that's the most we have advanced to. He has made it clear he looks forward to seeing me and enjoys spending time with me. But I have never known a man to be this way,I feel like I'm 12 years old! Why would somebody so used to having sex not be making even any slight advances towards me? I'm not saying we should have sex,but he doesn't even let his hands wander a little. I need intimacy in some way,not necassarily sex right now but SOMETHING. I wouldn't even know he's attracted to me,but I have to assume he is if he keeps wanting more dates. What could possibly be going on here? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 He tried relationships, it didn't go too well, so he started random sex instead. Now he's ready to try for relationships again, so why do you think the random sex will still continue? There's no logic in that. He's not interested in casual sex any longer, and now wants a relationship. Makes sense to me that the one will stop if you seek the other.
I also think you misinterpret wandering hands as affection. Wandering hands isn't affection. You want to be desired, lusted after, probably because that's what you're used to with other men. Those other men thought perhaps primarily about sex. And so you've started to see their advances as tokens of care and love, when they are instead signs that the guy is just horny for you.
Learn to read other signs of a man being interested in you, and learn yourself how to get to know a person before you add the physical aspect of things. Maybe he feels there should be a connection, or some feelings developed, before he wants to hold you hand, so to speak. Why should there be physical contact when you and him aren't in a relationship yet? You're just dating, and you've met 3 times. Hardly enough to get physical over.
If you really want him to touch you in any way then you could just ask him to, I suppose. But I don't quite see the point unless you and him are moving closer to each other emotionally.
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