A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Why is it so hard to meet a decent honest man? My last relationship ended nearly three years ago. We were together for 11 years - most of which was very good and we broke up simply because we had grown apart. I made the decision to move back to my home town and I felt so optimistic at the time that I would meet someone new and have a fresh start but all I have had is one disaster after another. I haven't had any problems meeting me who seem interested - at first, but they all seem to be carrying so much emotional baggage that we never seem to make it past the first few dates - no matter what I do! The most common problem seems to be that they are not "ready for a relationship" because they are not over the ex or they have "issues", or are just commitment phobic. As it is a small town where I live I know that these guys then haven't moved on to relationships with anyone else so I guess they are at least being honest with me. I guess I am just attracting total losers! I know that everyone has baggage when they are single in their 30's but there must be some single men out there who genuinely want to be with someone. Does anyone have any tips on how I can avoid wasting time with these men who just seem to want to off-load their "issues" and find someone who is in a healthy place to start a relationship? I'm beginning to think I should just give up!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): I agree that meeting a man without baggage or emotional issues can be tough. I have never married, raised a daughter and have one granddaughter. I have had serious and non-serious relationships, and most were great. It wasn't until my late 40s that I started to have disaster dates more frequently too, and I believe it is meant for me to be single. I realize that I don’t need a man to complete my life.
I'm now early 50s and I still would like to meet a man I can connect with, but I think I'm more attracted to the idea of that "magical" relationship with a man then actually sharing my life with him. The other day I saw an interview with Diane Keaton and I was surprised to learn that she had never married and she is very comfortable with being single. I thought "good for her," and I know single independent women, like myself need not feel like we need a man in our life. I know it gets lonely...sure I miss, at times, having a man hold me in his arms--especially after a tough day at work.
I do, however, have wonderful furry friends (dog and cats) that make any bad day into a wonderful evening. They are happy to see me, they think I'm great, and they give me kisses and affection -- never taking but giving.
Best advice I have heard: on a piece of paper, write down and be specific about the qualities you look for in a man. Two columns, in Column One, identify what exactly you want; i.e a good provider, integrity, same athletic goals that you have -- be specific, etc. And, in the column two, be specific for what you do not want in a man. Be affirmative in your thoughts and actions, and visualize that you are currently with the man you have identified to be in your life.
Best wishes in your search and don't fret if you go several more years. You can grow to learn more about yourself and what you truly love to do in life.
A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (13 November 2010):
 Jmtmj is sooooooooo right. he couldnt be any more righter.
I am currently visiting my parents in my hometown,and at this moment im writing you,i just got home from the club.i couldnt stand it there anymore.full of "copy cats" (every man looked the same) and uuugly ones! The music sucked too.
This never happens when im in a big city.
The more you stay in that little town,the more dissappointed youre gonna get.
I feel sorry for you hun :(
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (13 November 2010):
Jmtmj is sooooooooo right. he couldnt be any more righter.
I am currently visiting my parents in my hometown,and at this moment im writing you,i just got home from the club.i couldnt stand it there anymore.full of "copy cats" (every man looked the same) and uuugly ones! The music sucked too.
This never happens when im in a big city.
The more you stay in that little town,the more dissappointed youre gonna get.
I feel sorry for you hun :(
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (13 November 2010):
Jmtmj is sooooooooo right. he couldnt be any more righter.
I am currently visiting my parents in my hometown,and at this moment im writing you,i just got home from the club.i couldnt stand it there anymore.full of "copy cats" (every man looked the same) and uuugly ones! The music sucked too.
This never happens when im in a big city.
The more you stay in that little town,the more dissappointed youre gonna get.
I feel sorry for you hun :(
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): How bizarre. I'm a 36 year old guy who thinks the same about the women I meet. Guess it must just be one of those things. I find it almost impossible to meet a single woman in my sort of age range who hasn't got one or two kids and has baggage due to a crap ex! I don't want kids and even if I did, I don't want to start a relationship with someone who has issues with men because of the ex.
So, Annalisa is probably sort of right. Although I hasten to add I am not a commitmentphobe. I'd love to settle down with someone. I came out of a 10-yr relationship that finished amicably, so no baggage either. We are out there!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): Mmmmm. Yes I can understand your situation and wonder whether the circumstances you are meeting these guys in is what is leading to them having their 'baggage'. I'm trying to be logical here that if you have friends or family members that know someone who might want a date they will automatically filter out ones with 'baggage' or if you meet someone through a hobby or interest then that might demonstrate they are relaxed / balanced not too intense. Not sure whether this makes any sense but I think we all have some baggage somewhere but its 'where we're at' with it that counts. Perhaps by keeping things more casual to start with and the dates less intense you can decide without getting too involved whether they are not ready for your relationship or not.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (12 November 2010):
 Two words...
Small town.
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