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Why don't girls like me?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 June 2008) 11 Answers - (Newest, 12 February 2011)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, *ussy7 writes:

Hi, I posted a question on here a few weeks ago and people suggested advice. Now though, I feel like the situation hasn't got any better despite me taking some steps to improve it. I still feel like girls just aren't interested in me as anything more than a friend and don't seem to take any notice of me. I've tried talking to more girls when I go out, internet dating and chat rooms yet I'm still stuck in the same place that I was before. My friends haven't been any help either and have never wanted to set me up with anyone on a blind date or something or introduce me to anyone where they think we could get along with each other even though I've asked them plenty of times.

Girls always say that I'm nice and cute and would make a great boyfriend but then whenever I ask them out they just turn me down. Most of my female friends are always surprised when I say that I don't have a girlfriend since they think I'm a good catch. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and it's really frustrating, esp when all my friends and family have spouses or very long term partners.

I've reached the point now where I just don't know what else I can do. I get the feeling that girls don't find me attractive. I've never had a girlfriend, but at the same point, I've never known any girl to ever like me or found out from anyone that there's a girl that likes me. I've never even been on a date. All I ever seem to think is that there must be some reason why girls don't like me. It's not through want of not trying that I don't have a girlfriend though since I've asked several girls out over the years and will attempt to talk to girls when I'm out or in bars and all of those ended in rejections.

I feel confident about the way I look and the person that I am because I know I'm a great person. The way that I see it is that it's unlikely I'll ever get a girlfriend since girls just don't look at me in that way.

I've got a lot of female friends and feel perfectly comfortable around girls and being in their company so there's nothing holding me back or making me feel awkward around girls. It just feels like nothing wants to happen of work out for me and all I can ever seem to think about is why I'm single and whether I'm going to be single forever even though I've got a pretty good social life, get out lots and have an amazing job as a dentist. It's getting to the point where these thoughts are taking over my life!

View related questions: chat room, get a girlfriend, never had a girlfriend

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2011):

you may think girls do not like you some girls are just playing hard to get some girls are serious about what they say if they like no or yes if they like you or not

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010):

ya know, i personally have a guy friend who is just like you, a total sweetheart but has a very hard time with girls. to me it just sounds like you might be a little too nice. for some weird reason girls kind of like assholes. its almost like we're scared you'll get clingy and attached to fast, as weird as that may sound. and hey after a girl turns you down ask her why. its not like you have anything to lose if shes given you a no and you'll at least know why your not getting the yes's that you want.

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A male reader, sculpturepainter United States +, writes (8 February 2010):

hey dentist dude, Women like a challenge, just like you do. In other words, when you become their friend or if they only see friend potential in you, you're thrown in the friend zone and it will never improve unless you set some boundries around it. Women that have friends like girl friends are always giving themselves away. Talking too much, not having enough mystery and mystique, and edge around them. You're a dentist? Get bike, I don't mean a ten speed either, I mean one with an Evolution engine in it or something. Quit telling women what you do for a living right off the bat too. Let one of 'em figure it out for a few days. LEAD HER ON AND PLAY WITH IT. Good luck

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A male reader, traumamed United States +, writes (14 September 2009):

Look, I know this is an old thread but I have something to add, even if the OP is the only one who sees it. I understand where he is coming from, as I feel I am the same shoes. I don't appreciate all of the responses he is receiving. Single people (guys especially) do not want to be told they are doing something wrong by people who don't even know them. Sometimes we just want someone to listen, just like you girls. Criticizing him and passing on "advice" about someone you don't even know is not constructive, it just damages self-esteem even more. Just because you are in a relationship does not mean you are the guru, and that you can solve everybody else's problems.

The OP has some very valid points, at least from my perspective. I am in a very similar walk of life: educated, professionally successful, social, well-rounded, etc. My female friends are amazed I am still single, saying that I am quite a catch. But yet, nothing. Women are not interested in me in the least. I have had one girlfriend my entire life, and that lasted a whopping half-year is all, and she broke up with me for some guy who was a loser with regard to life standing but clearly more attractive than me - obviously that must have been it. Okay, so what, life goes on, I'm not trying to rant about her.

All I'm trying to get at, is that women need to stop trying to fix guys like the OP and myself - and start giving us our due credit. We try. On all ends. We aren't effinate, we aren't "too available," we aren't creepy, we aren't needy, we aren't losers. Women are just plain uninterested. And yet we keep trying, and we keep our chin up, and we stay confident and keep living our lives, and yet women remain uninterested.

So stop trying to "fix" the OP. Did you ever think that maybe he doesn't need fixing, just fixing up with the right person? You are not better than him just because of the fact that you may be in a relationship at the moment, and that does not qualify you to give him expert advice on how to make himself more attractive as though he is broken or damaged.

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A male reader, hussy7 United Kingdom +, writes (25 June 2008):

hussy7 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

hussy7 agony auntthis is the thing that i really dont understand though. youre telling me to act like a guy and me more masculine, but i dont think i can. i already work out with weights, am only ever out with guys now whenever we go drinking or to movies or even just to have lunch if we have a little free time. i dont spend time with girls at all so i cant exactly act like a girl if i dont spend any time with them

there have been plenty of girls that ive wanted, but they dont want me. i asked those girls out because i liked them and could see myself wanting to find out whether things could go further and eventually lead to a relationship. but if they dont feel the same way about me theres not a lot i can do about it

thats just the thing, like ive already said, ive never met or known a girl thats liked me or thought of me as more than a friend or possibly a prospective boyfriend. i cant exactly get a girlfriend if girls dont like me in the first place can i? and thats the way it is, girls just dont seem to like me or find me attractive

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008):

Maybe you're TOO accessible and easy to talk to? A lot of people (girls and guys) like a challenge-- if it seems like everything is out on the table, nobody is going to want to look closer or explore. You don't have to clam up and stop talking to girls, but maybe try to hold some things in reserve, or flash a hidden side once in a while.

Thinking back to my courtin' days, my husband had a really nice roommate, who never had any luck with the ladies. But I went for my (now) husband instead because he was a challenge, because he was proud, because I wasn't his type, because he had experience-- in retrospect, because it was a boost to my ego when I "won" him from other girls who were interested in him, and because I think I felt I could learn new things from him.

His roommate continued to be the sweetest guy but a 30 year old virgin, then got sick of it all and lived abroad for a few years. Didn't meet a woman there, but had the time of his life and when he came back he met a gorgeous woman and they got married!

Likewise, before then I was a 22 year old virgin and couldn't understand why I had no luck with guys even though I knew I was attractive, fun, etc. It turned out that I needed to get separated from my knot of very close girlfriends for a while. In a group, none of us ever had luck but once we split up at graduation, we couldn't keep the men away. I met my first real boyfriend at a time I was completely isolated from my usual friends, and starting a temporary summer job. Our eyes just met, and after talking to each other for two days I invited him to cook dinner with me at my place, then one thing led to another... sadly though we had great chemistry, I wasn't in love with him, but somehow I got a lot of confidence out of that relationship that was very useful when I actually did fall in love. So maybe try hunting solo or with just one other guy friend for a while.

I think that once you have broken through the barrier of having a first lover, you'll do just fine. Anyway, if you don't feel you want to or need to change anything, don't lose hope. Because, by their early 30s the women will be more mature, and one of them will snap you up.

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A male reader, redmond United Kingdom +, writes (24 June 2008):

I agree with twist of fate. In your attempt to get closer to women you have achieved the opposite.

Masculinity is something to be valued not discarded.

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A female reader, Magnet-helps09 United States +, writes (24 June 2008):

Hey there,

I would also ask your female friends, or ones that have turned you down what it was they didnt find appealing to them.

feeling confident in yourself is the right way to go. Im a firm beleive in everything happens for a reason. Which means there is a girl out there for you. You just gotta find the right moment. and i know it may seem that you dont know when that moment is, nobody does until they reach it.

So down think of it as "does this girl want me" think of it as do i want her, is she nice, will she make a good companion, is she trustworthy. That kinds stuff, stuff thats appealing to you. So switch places for a while see what happens. Go to places that you love to go, a certain movie theater, resturant, and just places that are fun for you.

And you might meet someone there, which shows that you have the same interests.

But i will say dont give up, keep looking. cause you will find her someday, and u might have already and just dont know. Just hang in there

Hope this helps

~magnet

:these are my opinions:

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008):

Perhaps you're just not coming off as a very masculine guy. Girls are looking for more than just a "nice guy." In fact many girls that age respond better if you act totally disinterested in them! I agree with "twist of fate." Hang out with guys, do guy stuff. Sometimes it helps to show girls the masculine side before you show the sensitive side. Sensitive & caring are nice but if thats all you offer then you'll be seen as feminine.

Also try not to be so obsessed with getting a girlfriend. It may be part of the reason you're not getting one.

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A male reader, hussy7 United Kingdom +, writes (24 June 2008):

hussy7 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

hussy7 agony auntAll the friends that I spend my time with are guys. All my female friends have moved away from my city after graduating from uni. So all the stuff I do is guys stuff. Just because I don't want to act like some alpha male all the time doesn't mean that I'm a girl.

Yes, I have asked my female friends to give me an honest opinion. I've got a couple of really close ones that I always go to for advice and they love me and can't come up with any reason as to why they think girls don't like me. In fact, they still wonder how I'm still single and why some girls hasn't taken me off the market already. The girls that I've asked out or try to talk to just say they're not interested in me or make some excuse that they think I'm nice but don't want to go out with me which to me is just a nice way of them saying they don't like me in my opinion

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008):

Hmm. Hard to figure what it is without actually knowing you. Have you asked your female friends to give you an HONEST opinion about what it is that you could be doing wrong? I know there are lots of girls who would have fun trying to make you over!

Next time you ask a girl out and get turned down, maybe you could get some "constructive feedback"? That is, take this girl into your confidence, explain that you understand that her answer is no, but you're sincerely trying to figure out what is going wrong (much like asking an interviewer for feedback or networking, after being rejected for a job.) You can be humorous about your attempt to turn a bad experience into a "teaching moment."

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