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How do I break up with my violent boyfriend?

Tagged as: Cheating, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 June 2008) 7 Answers - (Newest, 25 June 2008)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

How do I break up with my boyfriend? Bear in mind:

1. He really really loves me and this'll break his heart

2. I cheated on him, he doesn't know yet and I don't know if I should tell him because he said he'd kill me if I cheated

3. He gets violent when he loses control of a situation, he often hits me in arguments and it really scares me

4. I am afraid he would harm himself if I left.

How do I break up with him? Should I tell him I cheated? Please help

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A male reader, femcuck Canada +, writes (25 June 2008):

femcuck agony auntRUN!

DONT WORRY ABOUT HIM HURTING HIMSELF WORRY ABOUT HIM HURTING YOU

DONT TELL HIM U CHEATED WHAT HE DOESNT KNOW WONT HURT YOU!

GET THE HELL OUT

FIND A NEW PLACE GET SETUP AND THEN SPLIT.

GOOD LUCK

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008):

First of all be very up front with him about why you're breaking up with him. If you say it's because he's too violent then it's unlikely that he'll try to prove your point. However his reaction will be difficult to deal with. He will most likely cry, weep while saying how much he loves you. This is crap & you mustn't believe it. You say he hits you & that he'll kill you. Thusly he cannot expect you to believe that he loves you. He will say he knows he has anger problems & that he'll work on them. This is crap as well. What he means is that he wants YOU to work on not making him angry. Its probably a good idea to tell him there's still a chance in the future. Tell him he needs to work out his anger issues & then maybe think about getting back together. This lack of finality will give him some hope. And while you may not mean it, giving him hope will likely prevent him from harming you or himself

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008):

Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt... many years ago.

First of all, DO NOT tell him about the cheating. Too dangerous.

Second, if you are in school, tell counselors about it. If not, ring one of the hotlines for domestic abuse (even if you don't feel abused, they have plenty of experience in helping separate women from sticky potentially-abusive partners)

You need lots of on-the-ground support to work this one out... consult friends, family, and professionals.

Third, you may have to prepare to move out of the area for a while. What saved me is that my ex-boyfriend lived in another country. So when my brother heard that he was threatening to kill me and commit suicide "so we would be together forever", the campus police escorted my ex out of the dorm, and my brother bought him a one way ticket out of the country. Fortunately my ex was too broke to buy a ticket to chase me again, though he did cyberstalk me for a while.

Finally, cut off all contact. Change your phone number, your email addresses, your address. Don't look back. You may find that you end up being stalked by your ex. Consult the professionals on ways to stop this until he eventually loses interest and gloms onto someone else.

Best of luck, dear. Do keep us updated.

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A female reader, neverguesswho United States +, writes (24 June 2008):

Alright.... been here... My advice would be to yes break it off and to do it in a public place. I know that seems cliche but it is the easiest and also the best way since he can be violent. ...Ask him to meet you for lunch or whatnot.

Also, I would not tell him about you cheating. I'm usually an 'honesty is the best policy' type of person but for your situation ...NO I would not say a word. If your ending it than leave it at that. You don't want to risk the violent outburst if he gets mad.

I would also reccomend hanging out with a friend afterwards. I did this about a year ago and it helped to be able to go over to my friends house and have a drink, cry, get distracted.... or whatnot.

Furthermore, if you are afraide of him... I would reccomend trying to stay with friends or having a friend stay with you for a while.

AND hey.... to get over I have always had to move on.... it's summer so consider getting out of town for awhile afterwards....visit family or go on a road trip. A change of scenery may help.

Then again these are just suggestions.

Take care....and I wish you the best. Feel free to msg me if you need to talk.

-A-

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A female reader, traceyhoney95 United Kingdom +, writes (24 June 2008):

what you need to realise is that you need to look after yourself,my ex partner was violent used to lock me in the house chase me round with knives still got the scarrs to show!!! i was so scared he would hurt himself if i left for ages but then one day i realised limping with a cracked hip brusies all over me and a smashed window that i needed to think about me. he did try and kill himself and he phoned me to tell me too. he took over 60 perscription painkillers we had two children too. i ended up in a womans aid refuge 30 miles from home. but do you know what i've never looked back an happier than ever, it is really hard but you must think of yourself belive me.

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A female reader, pepper27 United Kingdom +, writes (24 June 2008):

pepper27 agony auntHi Hun

If he is violent then you dont really need a reason why you have to break up as violence in a relationship is not good at all love, And it matters not that he will be upset because he loves you so much as if he loved you that much he wouldnt lift his hand to you..My husband loved me so much I often woke up with a knife to my throat...If you need help contact victim support they are wonderfull and if you feel he wont stay away from you then get an injuction, I would not tell him you have been unfaithfull as you said he has already said he would kill you so that is not the best way out of this one..Hunny you will just have to pack a bag and go, You cant live like this its simple as that..You also cant live in fear that he will harm himself if you left as my husband used to say this and he is still alive in prison so hunny get out while you can....

http://www.victimsupport.org.uk/vs_england_wales/services/victim_services.php

Give them a ring sweetheart they can talk with you in confidence about all your worrys and fears..TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

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A female reader, ChicaBlusera United States +, writes (24 June 2008):

You should get away from him!!!! As long as you're with this guy, you're in danger. Cheating is wrong, but nothing justifies a man hitting a woman, and he might really harm you. You say that he loves you, but if he really did, then he wouldn't abuse you. He's not only hit you, but he's threatened to kill you, and it sounds like blackmail to me.

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