A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok me and my boyfriend have been having sex for about 5 months and well he doesnt last that long. Sometimes he doesnt even last a mintue and i cant go that fast cause the faster i go, the faster he cums. I have told my friends about it and they said for the first couple of months they dont last that long, and i told them its already been 5 months. Anyways all i want to ask is why doesnt he last that long in sex? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): from a guy...
Of course it can be cured if you want it badly enough. It is all psychological and instinctual.
Before saying anything else, whether he shows it or not (we are very macho), he is hugely embarrassed, humiliated, and really beats himself up constantly. Though limited, there have been suicides due to PE. It has nothing to do with you. It would happen with any girl.
The direct answer to your question is that he is conditioned not to last that long. There are a lot of reasons for that, some that even go back millienia into our evolution. No time for that explanation now. Anyway, many, many guys are that way when first beginning sex. It can pretty easily be fixed. You can wait for time (perhaps several years) to fix it or be more aggressive and fix it in a few weeks. It takes courage: courage from the guy to acknowledge the problem and courage to let his girl help him. Some guys never get beyond this step. A pity too because the girl really wants to help, but he might be afraid it shows weakness to ask a girl's help. And as if he is not embarrassed enough, in the back of his head he has the fear of rejection and the fear she is laughing and talking to other girls behind his back. When it comes to sex it sometimes does not take long to become irrational.
First, know that the average time from penetration to ejaculation is 7 to 13 minutes, but there are wide variations. Sometimes some guys can go much, much longer, over an hour. Although the average time might seem brief to some people, if there is lots of foreplay (I rather prefer the term buildup) the average time is plenty of opportunity for her to orgasm more than once. Most women do not orgasm during penetration unless there is substantial buildup.
Here are a few things known to work. They require the cooperation of the female which may not be much fun for her but long-term, things will be much better for you both.
Try the simplest and least aggressive treatments first and give them a few times or more to work. Sometiems cars don't crank on the first try and pens don't write on the first try so don't expect something as complex as sex to work instantly:
I wrote this to a guy, so references to gender may be out of place since the questioner is a female:
1. Work on building her up for a long time before you are even undressed perhaps by talking and playing around. Ignore the guy for a while; you don't need any more build up.
2. Delay penetration for as long as you reasonably can.
3. When she is ready and she has already had an orgasm (this takes the pressure off the guy) and it is time for penetration and coitus, the guy should lie on his back with her straddling, sitting up. The goal is not some time limit, the goal is for her to orgasm during penetration. Try this a few times and stick to it.
4. If you get to item 3 and there is still a problem, use the same protocol but if you have any hint that you might be about to ejaculate, stop everything until the feeling subsides. You must stop before the point of no return or you will sort of half-way ejaculate and nothing will be solved. Like I said, she won't like this start/stop and neither will you but you must consider the long term.
5. If items 3 and 4 don't work, and this is easier said than done, (the guy) should think about your second favorite subject intensely during sex. Generally the dissonance between the sexual experience and thinking about food, chess, or football, or whatever is sufficient to psychologically keep you away from the tipping point of no return.
6. If you get through item 5 and nothing has worked, there is a treatment you and your female partner can do called the squeeze method. Look it up on the internet but the name is very explanatory.
7. Finally, if you get through item 6 with no improvement, then, go to the doctor and ask for an SSRI antidepressant like Effexor. It will slow things down for you but it probably won't get you from 1 minute into the normal range. Take too much and you might not be able to have sex at all.
By all means do not have a clock visible during sex. I once had a patient with PE, and he and his wife each had a digital clock on the nightstand next to the bed. So, from the very first, the guy was staring unavoidably at two clocks, one on either side of the bed and putting enormous pressure on himself. He had no chance. Turned him over onto his back where he couldn't see the clocks and things began to improve immediately. And, one more time, the goal is not measured in time, the goal is for her to orgasm during penetration, hopefully more than once.
Keep us posted.
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (11 June 2009):
 You poor thing! Take it as a complement but at the same time, without making him feel insecure about it a) encourage him to get a little "practice" in earlier in the day so that he isn't on a hair trigger and b) he should be making sure that you are getting happy at least once before his dick even comes into play.
By the time he's 40 he'll be banging away for an hour and wishing he could cum ...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): Premature ejaculation my friend.
25-40% of the U.S male population is affected by it. And it really, really sucks.
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A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (11 June 2009):
 There are lots of reasons, he could be anxious may have had an experience with a girl who wasn't sympathetic when it first happened which affected his self esteem and loss of confidence etc. Take the focus and pressure off him by encouraging him to focus on you first and teach him all the things that turn you on. When he sees this happening he will feel pretty good about himself. Then when you have climaxed he can enjoy you without being worried about going early or not. He can also get a spray with lignocaine 9% which will desensitize his penis which will allow him to last longer so you can both enjoy yourselves. Be careful that the lignocaine doesn't desentisize you as well which means it would be best if you were satisfied first. When he gets used to controling himself he won't need the spray.
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