A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my new blooke for 8 weeks, things are going very well, we get on amazingly well and for the first time in quite a while I really feel something for this guy.Now, as most guys do, he has An Ex. One of the kinda pain in the a** ones. And I should tell you that my new guy is "A Nice Guy".They broke up 8 months ago, were together a year. After they broke up (which was mutual) they remained friends, although my bloke did say he was quite wary of her, she showed her true colours in the relationship and ended up to not be as nice as he though she was (a bit untrustworthy and manipulative).When he told her he had met someone (me), because he didn't want her finding out from someone else, she refused to speak to him and slagged him off to his friends for the next few weeks. He made a few attempts to speak to her but gave up, being A Nice Guy he doesn't like leaving loose ends on bad notes. But he needed to get in contact with her regarding some quite important documents she has of his, but she refused to guve them to him until he forked out several hundred pounds for some damage in her house (which had nothing to do with him, but a year ago or so he said he'd help out with it, then she forgot to ask for the cash). He pointed out that he has been paying for her phone line and internet for the past 8 months, but she still refused to hand over his belongings.Now he's going over there tomorrow night at her request to talk about this. I'm not the jealous type, nor am I possessive, but I am a little confused about this scenario, which I have said to him.My first thought was that he's not over her, why would he pay her bills for that amount of time, not just flat out refuse to pay for the house damage (he hasn't agreed either), why is he going over there? He assures me that he is over her and wouldn't get with someone if he wasn't over an ex, he says he knows he's far too nice for his own good and just finds it hard being horrible to someone even when they've been appalling to him...My personal thoughts on the ex is that she doesn't like the fact he's not wrapped around her little finger anymore.I wouldn't ever demand that he not go round there/see her or anything, could anyone shed a little light on this stupid triangle I seem to be caught in? A bloke's point of view would be great :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): First things first. A little reality check. You have been dating 8 weeks, he was with her for a year and after 8 months of ending their relationship, she is now asking to see him at her house over money that he doesn't really owe her....and he told her he met you. She is jealous and wants her hooks in him. This is not a good sign, sorry.
You can't keep him from going to see her. What you can do is let him now how you feel about it. Do not tell him what he can and cannot do, however, but you can say to him that You don't like it, that it makes you feel bad that he would go to see her when you have not met her and that she has not accepted your relationship as official.
By the way, has he asked you to be his girlfriend? Why would you want to settle for that deal any way after only 8 weeks, you are really just dating....you don't know each other all that well. If he is continuing to talk to or see other women, no matter who they are or what their past relationship to him was, why would you put all your eggs in one basket so to speak. Why would you invest your whole time and heart into this one guy that you have no real commitment from, he is just your current date?
Being a girlfriend is a trap. Men do not feel the same about relationships as we women do. They know how to fake it and the right things to say, but the truth of the matter, no man makes a real commitment to any woman until marriage is on the table, and then not until the ring is on your finger. So what do you do about that? Well you do't get off the train to achieving what you want (commitment, marriage, family) to go and follow him around checking up on him or asking him what, why when where, you get on with your life and your life's goals and you don't take yourself entirely off the dating market for some guy who hasn't claimed you as the ONE he wants to be with forever.
You let him know how you feel at all costs, but you also need to realize that he has a right to take as long as he wants to make up his mind about you, but he has no right to ask you to stop dating other men. You can even be sexually exclusive with him and date other men.....have men friends, coffee dates with men. He needs to know that you are a desirous woman and that he could possibly lose you at any time if he doesn't step up and claim you.
It's simple really, don't fall into the girlfriend trap....he is keeping his options open, trust me....why else is he going to meet the ex at her house? Get real with yourself here.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): like a blokes view matters sigh.
He is a nice person who wants to end without any bad feeling. I would let him do this and then without being too catty tell him that you want him to start cutting contact with her...
Star.x.
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A
male
reader, Pointblank66  +, writes (15 March 2009):
Well it could just be that he hasn't found closer in the relationship and feels need to contually support her. It seems like they had a pretty serious relationship going and and being a nice guy he would want to stay friends with the ex. Though if she's taking this much advantage over her I would suggest talking directly to the ex about it, or if push comes to shove legal action. Hope u figure it out
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A
female
reader, Honest_Answers +, writes (15 March 2009):
 It sounds like your ex's break up wasn't as 'mutual' as he is making it out to be. She sounds resentful of the fact he's met you and has left her behind. It may be that it was a mutual break up but it's never easy finding out your ex has moved on so it's just a case of sour grapes by the sounds of it.
Help him through this, if he is a nice guy he's just doing the proper thing. Don't play games or try and 'get back at her' but meet with her and try and explain the situation. If he's back at hers to talk he can get the papers and leave.
If she's demanding money for damages then seek advice from the citizens advice bureau and keep all evidence of money being paid out of his account for their old house (like the bills you mentioned).
It sounds like she's hurting because she's been left behind. Let her be a petulant child, just don't let it wreck your relationship, that's probably what she wants.
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A
male
reader, Johnnyboy03 +, writes (15 March 2009):
 I think he's just a big push-over to be honest. I doubt he has any romantic interest in her. I could be wrong, of course, but from what you say it seems like they were just really good friends at one point, and he's a big push-over.
Hopefully, after this meeting he'll have no reason to see her again. If she continues to try to get him to meet her, then you probably should put your foot down. Tell him she's being very manipulative of him, and it makes you feel uncomfortable.
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