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Why does he keep playing with my emotions?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 July 2010) 7 Answers - (Newest, 27 July 2010)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My husband left 2 months ago ... We just had a baby who is now 6 months. He moved out got his own place... And since the day he left he hasent stopped calling atleast everyother day and kissing me... He's said he is sorry but hasent really apologized and has said he is not happy with what he did. I had sex with him on Friday night and stayed at his place... He did not call until I called him and he came by to have lunch and stayed until dinner Sunday... He did not call me yesterday and hasn't called me again ... Not even to just see how our baby is doing. I feel so confused so doubtful wh does he keep playing with me?!

View related questions: hasn't called, kissing, moved out

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A female reader, RAVEMORE France +, writes (27 July 2010):

Change your phone number.

This way, you won't be waiting for his call and he will have to man up and knock at your door if he wants to see you.

The red flag for me is the disinterest in his child and the lack of apologies.

It must be very hard on you.I hope you get some help with the baby. Is he helping financially at least?

Play tough and don't give him any emotional or sexual access.

If he needs time to think things over and decide whether or not he wants to be seriously involved with you as a husband but also with is child as a father, that's fine. In this case, the honorable thing to do is to give you some kind of timeframe for his thinking, as in, I will let you know within 2 months whether or not I'm ready to go back to being a family with you.

If he lets you hanging and pining for his response, then I would say he is playing with your emotions.

Also, is he saying other women? He sounds like an immature guy that got into parenthood too young and then decided to move out and have some fun as a single guy.

It pains me for your little one.Hopefully, you will get the answers you are seeking and all the confusion will end.

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A female reader, Moo's Mum New Zealand +, writes (27 July 2010):

Moo's Mum agony auntTo me it sounds like he doesn't want the responsibility of a wife and child but does want the perks of sex and some kind of closeness to you. Maybe he doesn't want anyone else to have you so he's dangling you like a carrot on a string. I think you need to say "what is happening here? Either you are in my life completely or out of it completely. If he chooses out of it completely cut all contact with him except for parental visits. Try and arrange for someone else to do the hand over so you don't have to see or talk to him.

Good luck I know this will be very painful for you.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (27 July 2010):

Danielepew agony auntHe is having second thoughts about leaving, particularly now that the baby is here (hiya!). If he is any good, he found it difficult to leave with the baby there, and probably he also had some trouble leaving you. That, however, doesn't mean he will return. I can take a wild guess and think that he's not calling now because of the sex. He may feel he went "too far" and needs to think whether this would work at all.

The healthy thing to do is to have a clear picture of what comes next. Healthy for you, him, and Cute Little Baby. Make sure you get that. It sounds to me like you need a clear picture of what you expect yourself. If you didn't want him back, you wouldn't have slept with him. And now you're waiting to see what he comes up with.

Maybe he isn't playing with you, but is simply not thinking straight. Quite often that results in your hurting people.

Good luck.

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A male reader, Odds United States +, writes (27 July 2010):

Odds agony auntEither he was unready to become a husband and father (in which case, there were certainly warning signs that you should have paid attention to), or he learned young that women are addicted to having their emotions played with and is doing it for the consequence-free sex.

Either way, this is one of those rare times where I would reccommend an ultimatum, so long as you actually mean it. Either he shapes up and becomes a good father/husband, or you accept that you chose to marry the wrong guy and take responsibility for the child without his help.

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A female reader, luvingme21 United States +, writes (27 July 2010):

luvingme21 agony auntYeah, its obvious that he's playing with your emotions. I'm a bit confused. You guys are married and he moves out..? That doesn't seem like a smart thing to do. The best thing for you to do is focus on your child. That should be the only thing on your mind. Your husband wants to have his cake and eat it too. 97% of men are selfish, and his actions shouldn't be suprising. Don't let him get to you. I say stop having sex with him and pay attention to your child. He may be your husband..but he's not a good one!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010):

Stop being a door mate honey!!! I know, I know...it's hard as hell to stay away from the person you have grown to love and really care about BUT yo have to be strong mentally and emotionally or he will keep toying with your feelings.

If you still want to work things out...that's ok. It's normal for couples to want to patch things up esp. when there is a child involved. BUT you need not do all the "chasing" and trying to get him to understand anything involving you, the relationship or the child. Just try to stay calm, don't show to many emotions, and by all means STOP HAVING SEX WITH THE GUY. I know he is your husband, but don't allow him to use your body as a trash can. Have some self respect and keep your legs closed when it comes to him. Here he is...off living like a single man, with a wife and 6 month old child living somewhere else.

Don't ask, shame or request that your husband give you a sincere apology...let him do that on his on. People often times say things they don't mean esp. when they are pressured too. Let his actions be your guide on whether or not he is sorry for what he did.

Furthermore, your husband can't toy around with your feelings if you don't allow him too. Set bounderies with him and be firm and stick with them.

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A female reader, cocoqueen88 United States +, writes (27 July 2010):

cocoqueen88 agony auntyou need to cut him off from all the emotional an sexually stuff (ie spending the night together) until he can figure out what it is that he wants.

right now with your actions you are telling him that it is okay to ignore the baby and have sex with you anytime he feels like it. tell him to choose his family or single life. right now he has both and as long as you let him do that then that's what he'll do.

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