A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why do people go out of their way to do things for you or give you things, only to keep reminding you of how good they have been? My friend has been good to me in many ways and I acknowledge that. Every time I disagree with anything, she tells me what she has done for me. I have also done things and given up time for her too, but she does`nt seem to remember that. It really is making me apprehensive about accepting anything off anyone. What is it about? She offered me a ride home last night instead of me paying for a taxi, I refused and now she has taken the huff.only becuse I just know what`s coming next if I had accepted. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2012): Because they buy people and believe you owe them. It were`nt out of kindness it was about manipulation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2012): It is a very childish tactic used by those who have to cling to people all their life. Life`s losers.
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A
female
reader, delightful84 +, writes (3 January 2012):
These types of people you are better off not knowing. You do for them and they are ungrateful,judge by its value and fast to forget. What they do for you is never forgotten and used against you. Therefore they have not really done for you they have done it for them self. It is two faced. If I was you I would find a better class of friend.
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (3 January 2012):
A LOT of people do this. My dad did it, my grandmother does it, some of my friends did it too. It's why I've become wary of accepting gifts and I'm working harder to get everything I want by myself. What they're doing, what she's doing--whether their intention or not-- is buying your attention/friendship.
My dad bought me a phone when I was a teen. Whenever I'd get into an argument with him, he'd bring it up and tell me how much he paid for it, which made me resent getting it in the first place. I told my dad that if this was what it's going to be like, I'd rather not have him do/buy anything ever for me again. It really shook him up and he's stopped using past gifts favors as ammunition in arguments.
Basically you have to be honest with her. Sit her down when nothing is going on/no tension and tell her you want to talk to her about something that's been bothering you for a while. And then tell her that you appreciate everything she's ever done/bought for you, but that she often treats those gifts/favors as investments, as if she's buying a piece of you. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable accepting an act of kindness from her because you know it will be used against you in the future.
Explain this to her calmly and sensibly and if she is a decent person she will see the error of her ways. If she gets defensive despite your best efforts, you know what kind of friend you have with her and that she won't change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2012): if you read the one about bringing stuff up after 6 years blah blah,it shows whats behind this type of person. power,rule and control.a power trip in believing you wont survive without them.i think she may be into you in a sexual way.tell her you cant be bought and nothing in this world will make you give your life for her ownership.you have heard of looking a gift horse in the mouth?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): People who do this are losers. It is an attempt to get a psychological hold over you.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (2 January 2012):
She will be trying to make you feel in debt to her. She is probably used to losing people, but wont have figured out why. Kind people forget what they do and give, but she does`nt. She forgets what you have done.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): Yes,accept zero off her. My ex is still doing things like this about things she gave me over 6 years ago. If it wasnt for me you wouldnt ... blah blah blah. Its like signing a contract for life. Get away and accept nothing otherwise you`ll be sorry. It is not done out of generosity. Believe.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): my mother in law does this to everyone all the time. it really strains relationships.
it's a form of being controlling and manipulative in a passive agressive way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): it looks a bit fatal attraction. you would be better distancing yourself from her. it is extreme. just tell her you are not down for her mental slavery and abuse. i also think she is a lesbian. she might even get violent one day if she senses her false generosity doesnt work. she is a control freak.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): You are better keeping your distance. That kind of crap is usually only the start. It is not real friendship and anything she does is done as an investment, not out of her being nice. If she ever gives you anything and you end your friendship with her she may ask for it back. It makes me question if she has got the hots for you because its usually controlling partners who do that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): Dont take this lightly. It is a way to try and make you dependant on her. If this was male and female i would say she was a potential bunny boiler. Be careful and dont take this as a joke. She is trying to get her claws into you. You may even see her turn agressive and resort to damaging your life,should you ever end your friendship. Run for the hills,run for your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): You know if this was a guy I'd say he was trying to buy his way into your knickers and being possessive and controlling. It's not but the same principle applies. She's buying your friendship OP and by doing nice things she's trying to make sure she doesn't lose you because I bet this happens a lot with her.
You see any time she perceives a threat to her control she has all these things she's done ready as ammunition to cast you down.
Talk to her. Tell her to calm down. You love having a friend like her but she has to relax. I wouldn't hold your breath though OP, she sounds like the kind of person that prefers to live someone else's life and try and mold them into the perfect person rather than face their own glaring deficiencies.
Or she could be lesbian trying to buy her way into your heart and/or knickers.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): She is not a real friend. She is not acting out of kindness. If you are soft enough to carry on with that so called friendship, you may as well sign your life over to her. It is a need of control and management.
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