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Why do I feel bad about placing my mom in a home when I have done all I could for her?

Tagged as: Family, Health<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 July 2015) 2 Answers - (Newest, 3 August 2015)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Dear Cupid I take care of my parent I have been doing this for some years now.My mom legs are off do to diabetes I have other sibling but I get no help.In thinking of placing her in a home but I feel really bad I feel like I am abandoning my mom what can u do.In working two jobs in school and soon to graduate in December this year .I want more for myself but I just can't leave my mom.Help !

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A female reader, Justneed2know  United States +, writes (3 August 2015):

Justneed2know  agony auntYou can also try checking to see if she can receive In Home Support Service, they will send someone to help with whatever your mom needs while you are at work. Not sure where you live but it's worth a try. I took care of my mom before she past away and In home support services helped us. Best regards

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2015):

It is not unkind to place your mother in a home. It is completely natural to fell guilty though! You are doing all you can, you are getting no support from anyone else and everyone will reach a limit before there is no more they can do.

In a home, your mother will have specialist care by people who are trained to support her. You can easily see her often, and arrange for her to spend time with you - perhaps coming to your house once a week to get her out and about.

Ease your guilt by looking at a few homes and find one that will best suit her. If she enjoys the company of others then you can find somewhere that plans lots of activities, but if she prefers a quieter life then you can seek out a home that has a quiet setting and surroundings that she can enjoy. Check the qualifications of staff, and visit without arrangement - just turn up. If the home take that we'll and are happy for you to be there that is often a good sign. You want somewhere that you can pop in anytime to see your mum, not with strict visiting hours like a prison!

You will feel guilty, you will feel sad but ultimately you're thinking of your mother's best interests. Discuss with her the options, and be honest with her that you don't have the expertise to provide the level of care and support she is going to need.

Alternatively, could you seek to employ a carer to take on the majority of the care for your mother and you cut down the amount you're doing? You could hire a carer that lives with your mum, or one that visits 2, 3 or 4 tines a day to administer any medication, help with meals and getting up and going to bed routines. That would leave you able to actually enjoy time with your mother and take her out, or sit with her and just talk. That way the stress of providing all the care isn't falling to you.

Your sibling should help pay an equal amount to what you would be paying, it shouldn't all fall on you but sadly too often it does fall to one family member. The least they can do is help pay for your mothers care if they're not able to be actively involved.

You're doing what is best, and sometimes what is best is not always the easiest option. Good luck.

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