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I don't like the way he treated me. Does he not have a conscience? Or did he just never care? Or is he trying to get over me?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 July 2015) 6 Answers - (Newest, 9 August 2015)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

1997- 1998: Was in David's school. He was my school mate. Wasn’t really his friend but just a classmate.

Sept 2014: Started working at a local Retail store Pharmacy. Saw David there. We chatted and exchanged numbers but he was getting over a break up from someone at the time. I know a bit about him. His parents were and are divorced (they divorced when he was young). His older brother has Down Syndrome and I think he died last year. D is 30 years old. I am 31.

Jun 2015: Saw David again and he confessed that he had feelings for me (though I do not know now if they were true or not). We hung out a couple times and had sex once. Things got weird because I freaked out (it was unprotected and I thought he might have had an sti – please don’t ask). We don’t talk anymore…

Now my question is why? He called me up one more time and invited me out to hang out and rent a hotel but I felt like he was disrespecting me. Is he:

A) Just a really horrible bad person with no conscience?

B. Trying to get over me by avoiding me? (it’s been a month of no contact)

C) Someone said on here that he never really cared.

Which is more likely?

View related questions: a break, divorce, exchanged numbers

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2015):

He contacted me a month later after this asking if I had died... what the hell?!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2015):

Abella thanks. But it's just in my right to ask isn't it? About sti/std status? Either way, 5 stars for you! :-D

Mrspiggy, why would I apologize? That's stupid. I've got nothing to apologize for.

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A female reader, Abella United States +, writes (31 July 2015):

Abella agony auntSorry to hear that things didn't work out too well but there are a few things that may have undermined any emerging feelings that he was starting to feel for you.

And there are a couple of things that would surely have undermined your trust in him.

Having sex before a relationship has been able to grow and develop a lot of trust, and where both parties first take the time to know the things important to each other is very important before sex takes place.

You are unlikely to lose a good guy by delaying the sex.

You can easily lose a guy fast (whether he is wonderful or not) if sex takes place too early in a relationship before you've fully captured his emotional commitment. Any gal can pique his sexual interest - but that's all it is - if sex takes place too early.

When he offered to ''get a room'' that was disrespectful and was akin to treating you like an unpaid call girl. You had a right to be offended by this focus on sex alone. He was offering only sex. He was not offering to get to know you better as a person.

When he confessed he had feelings for you - was that initiated by him? - or was it in response to you saying you had feelings for him first?

If he initiated it then it was either his genuine attempt to connect, though it may have been based purely on lust rather than feeling strong enough to want a relationship with you.

If he said it after you confessed your feelings then it is more likely that he was telling you what he thought you wanted to hear. And that He saw an opportunity for an easy connection, if you were already crushing for him. - in that last scenario he may have felt guilty after leading you along.

Reacting by freaking out that he may have had an STD would be deeply offensive to him, especially if he was generally not sexually active and knew that he was clean.

After he phoned you about renting a room and you rejecting his offer then he may have accepted that he went too far in reducing things to sex in a rented room.

If he's ashamed for doing that then he may feel that the game is up - and sense

that his offer was too raw and not nice. And that you saw his blatant offer of ''sex in a rented room'' was no way to treat a lady.

If he offered ''sex in a room'' because he had formed a view that getting you into bed for sex would be easy and imply no commitment to a relationship by him then it is time you moved on.

If he really did have or still has feelings for you then he may have felt that he's messed up one too many times and but is also still waiting for an apology re the STD accusation. So now he's just given up on wanting to get to know you.

Back off a little, he may or may not be nursing some hurt. Or for various reasons he's decided that a relationship is not going to happen.

You certainly did ''drop the ball'' by accusing him of having an STD. Hard to know how to apologize without it becoming clumsy and making muddy waters muddier. At some stage, if the two of you are to have any chance, you need to think through how to atone for this accusation.

If your paths do cross in the future try to remain positive and warm in your manner, and happy to see him, but not too eager and do not become too effusive like a lovesick gal. Instead remain respectful. If he wants a relationship with you in the future he will find the courage, eventually, to reconnect.

If he was really really keen he would find ways to seek you out, to ''accidently'' run into you, he would want to impress you with kind behaviour, he would be eager to try to find out more about you as a person, and understand the things that are important to you, and actively indicate that he wants to ''know all about you''. All that can and should happen in a developing relationship where a guy actively wants to get to know you.

In those circumstances a good guy will even be prepared to wait for sex if he's genuinely seeing you as a long term partner. When a guy can see a future with you he is confident that the relationship is what counts and that the sex will happen eventually, when the time is right.

A good guy is not captured with sex. He is drawn to a woman where he feels a strong emotional pull towards and senses the same in her and thus he then just wants to spend time with her basking in the glory of just being with her and communicating with her and feeling more ''whole'' and at peace because he is with her.

If a guy makes sex a condition before he'll consider a relationship or issues any ultimatums (''sex by ..... Or else he's walking) then let him walk.

That he's not showing much interest in communicating with you is not a good sign.

A guy who is truly eager to ''know all about you'' and genuinely wants to be with you is easy to spot in how he behaves and in his approach to you.

Always look at a guys actions and not just his words. The actions tell you the story of what he wants.

I do hope you are able to connect with a genuine loving good guy who is kind and considerate and who treats you with the respect you deserve.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2015):

i think your thing with david is over and you are both aware that it would never work out in the long term for reasons that are unconnected. Good for you for turning down the hotel room because a tacky beginning could have become a little more expensive. David probably did have feelings for you but the time and placd was never right and he probably thinks, quite rightly maybe ,that he is not good enough for you as his whole life has never quite worked out right. So i would see his lack of contact as being something that allows you to move on and in your situation i would see it as the best thing you could do. Leave David to sort himself out and redesign your own life so that you can meet new people. I suggest you dont go backwards but work on projects and plans that bring new elements of fruitfulness to your life.

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A female reader, mrspiggy United Kingdom +, writes (31 July 2015):

mrspiggy agony auntYou ' freaked out' and accused him of having an sti. Yet you're unsure why he hasn't spoken to you in a month and you feel he's being disrespectful?

I think he's a nice guy that gave himself time to get over an old relationship before starting to date you, someone he liked, who seemed to like him back.

You admit you freaked out, so, have you apologised? Why did you turn him down totally afterwards? You could have said yes to a date? I think you're being overly judgemental in all honesty.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (31 July 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI don' t think his feelings ran that deeply, but you were decent company and willing to sleep with him? I mean offering up to rent a hotel room? That is someone looking for sex, but they don't want to bring them home...

If you find yourself having "feelings" for someone, don't you want to spend as much time as possible with them?

And you are in your 30's, you should know better than to have unprotected sex..

I think you in your mind's eye might have seen him as the guy you went to school with but a LOT can happen in 15 year that will change a person.

I'd chalk this one up to a "mistake".

He might have used you to work through his grief over losing his brother. It's hard to say. But I don't think he loved you dearly.

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