A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hmm...where do I begin. I have a truly wonderful husband and we have four great kids. I've been a stay at home mom most of our marriage. I have just recently got a part-time job of the evening, and found out that he had been looking up porn on the internet. I know that some think porn is okay, but I have never been so hurt in my entire life. It upsets me to know that he is getting turned on by other women besides me, or (for the most part) that he has the desire to want to see other women naked. We've had a pretty good sex life before (3-5 times a wk), and now it's more like once or twice. But I've always been ready and willing for whatever he wanted or needed in bed. I know he feels really bad (even bought me roses). I'm just so confused because who am I to say he can't do something he wants to do. Yet I don't want to be hurt again like that. I'm on an emotional roller coaster...extremely depressed, then very upset, then "just numb". I don't want to feel this anymore and I want this to be over with. Please help someone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): I've recently found out my husband (of 9 months) has been downloading and watching porn whilst I am at law school. What hurts is not so much the content, but the fact that this is what he has been doing during the day whilst I have been studying hard at school. I wish he didn't feel the need to wait until I'm at school. I wish this was something we could share to continue to develop our own sexual relationship. If this is one of his fantasies then that is fine too but I wish he would let me in and talk to me about this rather than waiting until I'm out of the house. No secrets right! The biggest thing for me is it makes me less confident about our sex life - something I didn't used to worry about before.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): Like the woman below my marriage has been effected by porn too. In fact after 15years together and four beautifu children he ecame increasingly critical of my body (which is in pretty good condition considering my age) he asked me repeatedly why my breasts were nt as perky as the 20yr old porn stars and why did I have t get stretch marks and 'couldnt I don something about them (which btw you cannot regardless of that anyone says the dermatologist I saw said basically there caused by stretching during pregnancy and onece the fibres strtech and tear they can never be repaired only cut away)his criticism turned to lack of desire and eventually he couldnt get it u because he says I just couldnt compare....counselling, talking etc didnt help...end result marriage over.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2007): It always interests me how guys say "yeah we look at porn- that's what we do, we're different to you. Believe us, it has no bearing on my relationship with you." I'm sure if I said to my partner "seeing as you like to look at porn and masturbate, I hope you don't mind if I take a lover to fill in the gaps. It will be just for sex, believe me, it will not affect our relationship. I still love you, I hope you understand." Lets face it, they would be absolutely gutted and unaccepting of that for the most part.
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A
female
reader, Coolgal33uk  +, writes (29 November 2007):
Whilst i agree with a lot of the comments posted here by the male readers with regards to the way men 'view' things differently with regards to sex, I think the issue here is how this is making you FEEL!.
Whilst the men are saying you are possibly worrying needlessly and that you don't understand how men think, i think that they obviously don't understand (or care possibly?) how some women think/feel about porn and why they feel so strongly about it.
For me, the problem is that women can feel unattractive when put next to the shaven, artificially enhanced porn stars that their men are looking at and from personal experience this can lead to a lack of self confidence which can ultimately affect a couples sex life. I suffer from this lack of confidence myself. I am a relatively normal (i think!) reasonably attractive person but when i know my husband has been looking at pictures of a 'perfect' specimen of nude womanhood this makes me want to put on my fleecy pjamas and have an early night. Men need to try to be understanding about this also if they want to have happy relationships with women.
There is also the issue of whether or not porn is degrading to women. I wont get into this here, but i do think it is important to distinguish between looking at softcore pornorgraphy or pictures of nude women and looking at hardcore pornography where women are sometimes treated abysmally.
My advice would be to talk openly about this with your husband, not in an aggressive way (you cannot tell another person what to do/think/feel), but with the emphasis on how this is making you feel. Bottom line is you will possibly have to agree to disagree, realistically he probably is never going to stop doing this completely, he may just agree to be more discreet about it and you will have to accept that if you want the relationship to continue, but i guarantee you that (unless he is an idiot) talking to him about how you feel should make you feel a lot better.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007): I know everybody views porn differently but I can only say what has happened to me and my marriage thru porn. My husband stopped wanting to have sex with me last year, he still cuddled and kissed me and was affectionate, but sex was out of the question, I asked why, he told me he loved me and still fancied me, he was just tired, anyway I found out that he was watching porn behind my back, I asked him why, as I had never refused anything in bed, and had even watched some porn with him, so why the need to do it in secret, anyway he did not have an answer for me, but said he would never do it again, well he did, a few months later I caught him with more films borrowed from work, I was devastated this time, totally upset, more so from the lies he told me. Anyway he said he would work on the marriage and try to get things back on track, it was very difficult for him to even have sex with me as he was conditioned to the films, but after a few struggles we got there. I have noticed he oggles females when we are out, he never used to do this, and more recently he was caught out visiting a lapdancing club and propositioning the dancer for him to perform oral sex on her, can you even begin to imagine how that feels, hearing your husband say these things to another female, I am still hurt over that, I have stayed with him because I love him, but I will not put up with anything like that ever again, he knows this. Personally I think that viewing the porn is to blame, that is my opinion and I am entitled to that opinion, it gets them into fantasy thinking and looking at all women as just sex objects to be lusted after. I do worry that he will eventually carry something out in real life because I have stopped him from watching porn but hey that is his choice to make and if he does and I find out then he knows only too well what the consequences of those actions would be, it is entirely up to him. It is for those reasons, my experiences that nearly cost us our marriage that I do not think porn is good, certainly not in my life. I understand any woman who does not like it and feels that it is cheating in a way, it is visually and mentally cheating, and can and does lead to acting out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): My bf did the same thing and brought some dvds whilst we were in france two weeks ago. I had a word with my bf at the weekend and asked him if he no longer fancied me because he had brought the porn dvd's. He said absolutely not, he was still into me in a major way and when I asked him why the sex was suffering, he listed quite rightly that we have both been too tired with work, plus we have a friend staying with us in a really small place so not always the opportunity. He said he would not have brought them if I had voiced my concerns at the time plus he said he used it when he was away from me. Well, bottom line, I agreed that night to watch one with him (very difficult for me as I am totally anti porn). I was watching the dvd whilst he tried to get fruity with me (he wasn't watching it). So, I said, look you've put it on for us to watch, so lets watch it. What was interesting was before we put it on, we were both on fire for each other, but as soon as the dvd went on, it dampened the ardour to be honest. I truly believe he saw porn in a new light and one which isn't good in a loving relationship. At one point, there was a particularly horrid bit where the guy spat on the ladies you know what, he gave me a sheepish look and said "it's a bit primitive, isn't it". I just nodded. He then remarked on a close up with a lady that her spots were all on show" and we laughed at the noises they were making. He then said, they all follow the same format really and this is boring isn't it? I agreed. He then said, Top Gear is on at 8, shall we watch that?. Result. I then asked him what hints and tips we should pick up and again, he agreed there was nothing to learn. Having now watched it I actually feel right in saying that porn is a load of old rubbish. Indeed, it may serve a need for a lonely sad individual that doesn't have a real person in their lives, or perhaps the occasional wank over it when your partner isn't about, but to introduce it into a loving relationship is tosh and I finally feel that my sensitive guy will never ask me to watch one with him again, judging by his reaction and the fact that we were more turned on without it - IN THE REAL WORLD, not some fantasy land that boys get hooked on from their teenage years
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): Eddie I dont know where the anonmymous anti porn person is - and no, Im not that person, but I do agree with some of what she/he says..I think when you asked why they dont have the same concerns for male porn stars it would come down to the fact that male porn stars would be revered and even held up as stars whereas the women definately are seen as less than and degraded...its that whole stud/slut stereotype that does exist in society...I think her points are valid and maybe there are deeper issues thatporn is much more damging for women than men..just a thought
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): I too have just gone throught the same thing and only just had our second baby a matter of weeks ago and he did all this while I was pregnant and sleeping in the next room and also at other times and I was gutted.
I am very hurt too but we have done a lot of talking and it does help. He promises never to do it again but I dont trust him as he has done this 3 times before and keeps doing it. All you can do is keep an eye on him and snoop, check the computer and its not about them having privacy as they say..its about them keeping secrets.Also talk as much as you need to about it without making him feel bad. Hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (18 November 2007):
 I think you’re overstressing about this situation needlessly.
What you need is an education on how men think. I don’t think you really understand us so I will take few minutes to try to explain without sounding preachy.
First of all, Men and Women are different. Not only different on the outside, we also think differently. Because we live in a day and age where women try to be equal to men in every department in life many women also choose to ignore the simple fact that no matter what …we are different!
This is not meant to be a sexist statement, because I have no problem with women having as many rights as men.
But let’s address the differences. Sex is perceived differently between men and women. Men like looking at women. And it makes us feel good to look at women that are attractive…it’s very simply a primal instinct we have, to look at and appreciate women. Men are visual creatures, for the most part. We use our eyes, and with our eyes if we see what we like we are turned on, and yes, we will look a little more, if we can get away with it. This in no way, in the minds of men, is an offense to the Special woman in our lives that are our wives and girlfriends.
Why is it that men also like action movies and sports? Same thing. Those are “visual” things that we like and it’s just the way we think. Again, think of it this way: Sex is a visual thing to men, so much so that we like it even outside the context of love. Women have to understand that to understand men. That is why men can go to a porn sight and look at women, without any respect to love and their REAL partner and enjoy it for what it is, without feeling like there’s any cheating involved.
So why don’t women understand this? Because like I said, women and men think different. For women (understand, I am speaking in generalities here, and there are exceptions) sex and love are inextricably intertwined so much so that they can’t imagine one without the other. Women tend to like romance novels and movies with love stories in which love and sex are not separated. And men tend not to. Think about that.
This is not to say that men can’t fall in love and keep love and sex together and sacred with the women we love and call our own. But I’m saying that even in such a case, this does not stop our hormones from working. We can look at other women and still be madly in love and faithful with the ONE we have made a commitment with. SO this I say to all women who feel so threatened by their guys looking at porn…its nothing. It’s like a diversion for us, and its not real, just as romance novels are not real.
Yes, there are guys that will take it to an extreme, as with anything it can be addicting and harmful if done too much. I’m not defending that.
What I am saying is that guys like to look at women, plain and simple. This has been the way of the world long before porn was porn. What did we do before photography…well we drew pictures! And we also have imaginations in which no one has a right to control.
SO think about what you’re saying when you think your man is cheating on you by looking at porn. That position in itself, from a man’s point of view is extreme.
I will leave it to others to tell you how to handle your situation, but I hope that I have given you enough insight into how we men think, so that it can ease your mind. Your husband loves you, and you already know that. No amount of porn can take the place of the one you love. He is not cheating on you. He’s just being a man.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (17 November 2007):
 To the anonymous Aunt who lives for the porn debate, why do you hide yourself? Your opinions are always so strong, you cast a broad net, make general statements that go over board and don't have the courage to be known.
You only focus on women and porn. If you think porn is so bad, what about the men in porn? Why don't you carry the torch for them? What could have gone so wrong in their lives that they behave like this? I think your problem is more with men than porn.
You didn't read my answer. If you did you'd see that I covered all the bases. You did not. Read my second last paragraph. Did you even ask anything about their relationship? You see the word "porn" your mind closes and your eyes roll back. We've debated this before. At least I think we have, nobody really knows who you are.
As I've said before, I'm no big fan of porn. I don't buy it or go out of my way to see it. My wife hates it, I wouldn't want my daughter to make it, OR MY SON. I would imagine that most people who make porn have some sort of self respect issues and could make better "CHOICES". There are many reasons why people make poor choices, many, many, many. I wouldn't want my daughter to make a life long career out of working in fast food restaurants but I still eat there. I lost my job to a company in China but I still buy Chinese products. People choose to vacation in places where they are treated like kings and the locals live in shacks and make almost no money. What does that indicate? There are many things we don't really believe in but support one way or another. In the end, if we don't help ourselves, it becomes a way of life. The issues we endure in our lives have roots....all of them, male or female.
If someone is forced to do something against there will, it's wrong. If someone chooses to do something wrong based on past issues, it's unfortunate. At some point we need to answer to ourselves and that is not always easy. For someone to decide to make porn (MALE OR FEMALE) probably indicates they haven't thought too much about the future. The same can be said for someone who quits school, smokes, drinks, gambles, eats poorly.....Some people make porn because they just think it's an easy way to make money. Probably not a great choice but it's still a choice. They'll learn.
If you have anything to say to me, do it in private.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007): It happened to me. After 7 years.I left. 2 months later were seeing eachother again. Time. time will slowly heal you, imstillso hurt, its changed everything. It will never be the same. But im stilllooking fora cure, unfortunatley honey, there isnt one. You will be heartbroken and bruised now for as long as you love him.
Goodluckbabes -x-
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): You wonder that he might want "pure sex" in real life. I would think that he would be more likely to seek that if he is not allowed to have sex in a fantasy world. If people have good fantasys then they are less likely to seek the real world experience. There are certainly exceptions to this, but this fantasy world allows him to experience what he is curious about. If you continue to have good sex with him then I would say that you have nothing to worry about. If your sex life starts to deteriorate, then I would suspect a problem with his porn. When my wife and I watch porn, which is not often, our sex is probably a little more exciting. Of course, we only watch if we are turned on already.
I really liked the response of the anon female who criticized eddie. It makes me appreciate my wife even more than I always have.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): Well, the anonymous female reader should really stop exaggerating! A billion and one? Over 168? Tell me one man who's never looked at porn!
You kid yourself darlin'! I suspect you're one of Germaine Greer's followers.
By the way, I completely agree with Eddie, who has got it exactly right.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): Guys like Eddie are always full of excuses....the bottom line is its disrespectful...there are a billion and one reasons why porn is wrong.....just pick up any book on gender issues and you could begin with 4-5 years of reading about the underlying issues that degrade and effect women.....the additional facts that he can neer garantee they are over 168 and that it hurts you are just extra reasons that Eddie wll try and ake excuses for ....Dont settle for less than you deserve......women with self esteem make sure they get the respect they should and if your man cant or wont give it to you get one of the many many men who dont use porn....there are many!
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (15 November 2007):
Will someone cheat? You can never be guaranteed of that. He might stare at other women every time he leaves the house. He might have a crush on the neighbor. He might think about his first girlfriend from time to time. Have you never had a thought that he probably wouldn't be thrilled about? Guys don't all get "turned on by porn" Many times guys just watch it because it's there. When you say "turned on", do you mean he's got an erection or thinking about doing the same to the particular actress. That is not the case. For men, it's more the thought than the actress. Men can think about sex with any woman. We don't need the same attachment that women do.
I don't go out of my way to watch porn. I have seen porn and thought...that might possibly be fun....With MY WIFE. He's either faithful or he isn't. Temptations are everywhere. Most reasonable people understand that porn is VERY far from reality. The trouble is with those who can't distinguish it from what's real.
How much porn did he actually view? How often does he do this?
We are not the same as women. Women are selective and tend to make their sexual partners a selection process. Many men are not that selective and would settle for anyone in a pinch. Women can get sex ANY TIME they choose. If men had that option, they'd be having sex every night. At least for while.
If you're really hurt, your guy has to understand that. Perhaps porn is out of the question for him. You need to know though that the fact he viewed porn has nothing to do with you or your status as a person in his eyes. Men don't think it that far through.
If you were starry eyed over Brad Pitt, would your man have reason to worry? Everything has to be seen as it really is. Don't throw away your happiness because of this. If your sex life is god and you pay attention to each other, this should be nothing more than a minor issue. Do you dote on each other?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): I know you're trying to help, but I need a another view of this. My husband and I do talk, and he told me what he wants from this porn. That it's just pictures, and he would never actually "want" anyone else. But as you said it's just "pure sex"--what can make me think he's not going to give in the "pure sex" in real life?
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (15 November 2007):
Although you're hurt, try to understand that many men are just different than women when it comes to porn. It is not a personal thing for them. It's pure sex. no emotion connection or commitment. It doesn't mean they'd cheat or that they desire another woman.
That is not an excuse, just an explanation. I hope this offers you some help. It doesn't mean he loves you less. You need to talk and resolve this one way or another.
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