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When we broke up, he asked to stay friends... so why is he avoiding me now?

Tagged as: The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 February 2006) 8 Answers - (Newest, 27 October 2007)
A female United States, anonymous writes:

I have this problem. I broke up with my bf back in the beginning of December and it's been really hard on me even though it was a mutual ending. We said we would still be friends and he even suggested that I call him once in a while to catch up, even though he now lives in another state.

Anyway well we've talked through AOL and stuff but I've been noticing that he's been acting kinda weird with me lately, but maybe I'm just paranoid. Twice already I've signed on and not a minute goes by and he signs off.. Also the other day he signed on and didn't even Instant message me even though I was on for about half an hour. I didn't want to IM him first becuz I didn't want to look desperate or anything.

Then about 2 days ago he signed on and again he didn't IM me. So this time I decided to send him a message first becuz I thought maybe he was waiting for me to talk first. Well we talked for a little while and it seemed to be going good but he signed off out of the blue and then on again (I know his computer sucks) but he didn't bother to write to me and say 'sorry I got knocked off. did u say something?'

I don't get it, he was the one that mentioned being friends and when we do talk I never say anything to suggest that I still have feelings for him or that I want him back. We talk about normal things and school.

What should I do? I think I am not going to instant message him anymore, if he wants to talk to me he can IM me first, but if he is avoiding me, it pisses me off that his head is so big now and he can't even talk to me..what should I do? Any advice?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007):

When you break you break up i don't know the friend stuff, she either wants or not if you want to move on and find or found a new person just go with that there is no need just to hang on and wait asking the may be one day question screw that. i dated for 4 years and we broke up she still calls me and sleep and see where i am an what i am doing i guess just to see if i am with someone and then she calls me again i show up at her place she is ready to sleep with me. you decide play the game or just move on.

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A female reader, AuntyEm United Kingdom +, writes (17 July 2007):

AuntyEm agony aunt

I met a guy I had been talking to online for several months. Our friendship extended to lengthy phone calls and text messaging and finally we agreed to meet up. He was very pleasant to me and we got on well, shared a very nice weekend, but suddenly he went very cold on me and I felt it deeply. I tried, very gently, to ask him what was wrong, but he was just very quiet and said nothing was bothering him. I decided not to press him and made plans to leave early, which I did. Before I left he seemed a little fraught and said 'we are going to stay friends, right?' I agreed that it would be ok to stay friends as we did get on in other ways, and then I left. When I got home I e-mailed him to say that I was sorry for the sudden departure, that I liked him as a person and that I would be happy to keep touch. That was 3 months ago, and I never heard from him again.

My guess is that he had built up some picture of how he imagined me to be, before we had even met, and perhaps on some levels I didn't live up to his expectations (even though I don't think there is much wrong with me)This maybe lead him to be dissapointed and he couldn't continue with the friendship. I have one other friend who I dated once, and again even though we both knew we wern't right for eachother, we did stay friends and we go for coffee and drinks regularly...and it's really good. I guess it just boils down to how an individual can cope with the loss of their expectation of you, and how much they can accept about you beyond that. The best thing to do is not pursue it, let him come back to you and then you will know he is genuine. Just accept that he has moved on...and so must you.

Aunty Em

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2007):

ohh i have same situation !! i mean we broke up and i said like can we stay friends and he said yeah !!so after a while he was acting soooo weird ....avoiding me all the time !!

when we broke up he said that he still cares about me and that we have 2 break up because he is going back home and i wont see him for long time! but the thing is we broke up 7 days b4 he left so i dunno why thou!!! now he wont even talk he said that he cant talk with me cuz he still cares about me a lot and it hurts ...and 2 give him couple of weeks 2 get over it ! lol but now .....taht was 2 month ago and he still wont talk with me i dunno what 2 do i still kinda care about him..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2006):

I think asking to stay as friends is just something guys like to say to end things nicely. It's questionable whether he really wants to be your friend. I would say don't bother writing him, even if you want to know how he's doing. If he wants to contact you, he knows how to do so. Let him contact you if he really wants to keep in touch, in fact it's practically guaranteed that he will contact you out of curiosity if he doesn't hear from you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2006):

ahh dear.. similar thing happened to me, except he broke up with me and wanted to be friends, although i think its just coz they want a lame breakup line. i'm not sure; my ex has been talking to me a lot recently; but he said he didnt have feelings for me but still finds me attractive. hello, wakeup its a teenage GUY - u know what they're thinking. maybe ur guy is shy, just give him time, maybe in a weeks time if he still hasnt said anything just say hi and ask how he's going, keep it general. if anything bad happens then move on. we can only learn from the past =)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2006):

Hi, I'm sorry but i can't help but reply to this, I'm a male and very recently my gf finished with me, obviously i begged her back but she dint take me, secretly inside he may still want u!!! i think if u want him then u should go an get him back, he may want to get on with his lif4e but im sure he'd rather have you in it,

i would do anything for my ex to show she still has feelings for me!

Hope this has helped

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A female reader, Creampuff +, writes (1 February 2006):

Creampuff agony auntHe's probabaly having more trouble with staying friends than he thought give him more time and let him talk to you when hes ready, and if u do talk to him make it more once a month or longer then there might actually be something to catch up on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2006):

"We said we would still be friends and he even suggested that I call him once in a while to catch up" - im sorry to be so harsh but once and a while means every couple of weeks or months not every single time u are online!! maybe he doesnt want to IM you because he is trying to get on with his life!! just leave him to get on with it! its his loss anyway!!!

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