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anonymous
writes: My fiance and I have been arguing so much lately that it scares me. We argue about the smallest things and when we say we're gonna stop we don't. I really don't know why this is happening so much. I don't wanna lose him I love him so much.
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reader, pops +, writes (18 June 2005):
myparents argued about the little things all their lives, and never addressed the bigger issues that they couldn't talk about. They drove us kids crazy! Don't marry until you have this matter dealt with by seeking professional counseling. Stop this now, if only for the sake of all the people around you that care about both of you.pops
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (13 June 2005):
 When two people argue constantly about small things it usually means there are bigger issues in the background that you're avoiding.
What are your bigger issues? What are the things you're actually afraid to discuss? There's something lurking in the back of both your minds that you want to get out into the open, and by niggling each other about small matters, you're just skirting those real issues.
If you're planning on getting married, you'll need to find constructive ways to deal with disagreements. I suggest that the two of you go to couples' counselling and learn to communicate in ways that don't lead to arguments. There will be things that each of you say, and phrases that each of you uses, that the other person is finding accusatory and inflammatory and that lead to arguments. Counselling can help you both see that and avoid that mistake, so you can get the big issues out in the open.
A warning: please DON'T get married until you deal with the way you communicate. Not being able to have rational, non-argumentative discussions with your partner is like being locked in a cage with a tiger... and potentially as destructive!
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