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What is it with flaky women on internet dating sites?

Tagged as: Online dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 January 2011) 8 Answers - (Newest, 12 January 2011)
A male United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I broke up with my partner of 10 years in 2009 and last spring I felt ready to date again. As I dont really meet many people through my work or hobbies (well, I meet people, just not single women), I decided to give internet dating a go.

I know a lot of people have horror stories - mainly women who find guys are only after someone to sleep with - but it seemed a sensible option. However, it seems to me that women can be just as bad.

I realised fairly early on that even finding someone to date was going to be slim because I don't want kids at all, mine or someone else's (sorry, I don't have the paternal gene and at 37 that's not going to change) and 70% of the women in my area were single mums and about 27% definitely wanted kids. So, I am resigned it's going to be harder for me to find dates. I accept that and know that although it's gonna take longer, I will find someone ideal.

What I wasn't expecting was that of the few I did find and met up with, every single one of them still had issues with exes and shouldn't have been dating.

I met someone really nice and we exclusively dated for some time and it was going really well and she said no one had ever treated her so well (her ex had cheated on her twice). Then I suddenly noticed a change and she said her ex had reappeared and she realised she still had feelings for him and couldn't see me any more. I was hurt but that's the way things go. Five weeks later she called me desperate to go out with me again because she said she realised she had made a dreadful mistake. Sadly, I don't have a reverse gear.

I recently met up with another woman, lovely, and exactly the same thing has happened. Decided she wasn't over her ex and came crying back three weeks later.

Why are these women even on dating sites if they're not ready for dating, let alone relationships? I'm fed up being used by women to see if they are over someone or not.

View related questions: broke up, her ex

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A female reader, Blonde68 United Kingdom +, writes (12 January 2011):

Blonde68 agony aunt

Unfortunately we are at that age where we all have baggage!

I have been on dating sites and had guys do exactly the same so it isn't just the women. May I suggest that you state on your profile that you are looking for someone who has been single for sometime and now moved on without the desire to turn back... I guess its up to you how long a period you feel is suitable, however, I have been single for 3 years, and it is only now that I feel ready to try for a new relationship without feeling bitter or upset about a previous relationship. Try it, what have you got to loose!

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A male reader, West1000 United Kingdom +, writes (10 January 2011):

I couldn't agree more with you mate.

I'm a bit younger but when I came out of a long relationship like you I tried the internet game and just found it was full of women that were just totally barking.

People say things like 'you've got to expect a bit of baggage' But why? I don't go on dates and talk about my ex or keep comparing dates to what happened with my ex.

Most of the girls/women advertising on those sites I think are ever so slightly unstable. I've never understood why anyone would want a profile pic of themselves downing 10 bottles of WKD..or the even stranger ones where they look really depressed or angry in the picture.

One of the dates I went on felt like a prison camp interrogation so I started flirting with a waitress who was much more natural.

My advice, is try (as harder as it get's when you've hit you're 30's) to find people the traditional way, like just chatting them up. I find the initial approach a buit scarey who doesn't but you can much quicker read the body language and see where its heading!

Good Luck

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011):

I feel your pain. My 25 year marriage ended a few years ago. I was set up with dates by friends and tried internet dating. I posted an honest ad. I met a few women who were nice, but none worked out to a relationship. Although my ad was very honest, the responders weren't always honest. I was stood up a few times and I get no return mail half of the time. If you ask the women, they think most men are pigs and only want sex. I'm not like that. I don't want to start a relationship based on sex. You never know who's right under your nose! I never gave an attractive co worker a look or paid any attention to her. I figured she was married or had a boyfriend. She asked me to attend a concert with her, we had a great time. We go out a few times a week and are seeing where things go. So look in other places, you never know where you'll find her. The internet is ok for some, just don't have any high expectations there, many ads are fake, written by people with nothing better to do seeing how many will contact them, collecting pictures and leading you on.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011):

You are in your 30s so are unlikely to meet someone without a bit of baggage. Could you try being a bit more forgiving and give people another chance. Life is seldom cut and dried, it would be so good if it was. My advice would be to be a bit less rigid, you say you have no reverse gear. It means you are closing the door tight shut when sometimes there is more mileage in a relationship.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (10 January 2011):

chigirl agony auntAs the saying goes, you need to kiss some frogs before you, in this case, can find your queen. You are right, these women shouldn't be on dating sites in the first place. But as there is no way of telling what people may do or not do, the only option you have is to continue seeing them. Just keep your heart closed until you get to know them better and know they will not run to their ex's.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011):

Hi blonde, OP here, thanks for your comments. I'm on both of those sites. Gave up on EHarmony and Match because they have so few women in my area it's not worth paying for!

Oddly enough, I do tend to go slower and let the woman take the pace to some extent so that they know I am not just trying to get them into bed. It's getting the balance, because I'm not looking for female friends, got plenty of them, so you can't go too slow either.

I don't mind if there's no spark or connection - that's fine, I can handle that. It's when there is, things have progressed to being intimate, you're told you are the nicest person they have met in a very long time and they suddenly go all weird and seem to think I'll still be there a few weeks down the road when they've got over their wobble for their cheating ex.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011):

Let me add to that. Some of them are married. Talk about shocked out of my britches when the womans husband woke me up with a call at 3 in the morning with his wife sleeping on my chest threatening to shoot me. I sent the wife running and far as the dating network snatched my page down soon as married woman felt me slam the door behind her. It's a nut cases on those networks.

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A female reader, blonde30s United Kingdom + , writes (10 January 2011):

blonde30s agony aunthi, im a lesbian and thought it was just gay women who are like that. didnt know how hard it can be for straight people to go through all this as well. im the same, keep meeting women who want you one minute and not the next or have exs or just all nice at the start then say its too serious too soon. i give up with women and was going to stay single but am now taking it very slow with someone i knew years ago and we are back in touch. we are going very slow. my advice to you is next time you meet someone talk as friends meet up as friends get to know each other and take very slow. women can be very hard work but i think maybe any r.ships can be and thats why its best to go slow. good luck. and are free date sites and dont have to pay to send an e.mail.

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