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anonymous
writes: Hello, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the last 3 years, and we are due to get married this summer. The problem is, although I love him very much I dont see us having a future. I am so confused I don't know what to do. What happens if I leave him, and then regret the decision? How do I know if the grass is greener on the other side? Yet sometimes I am so miserable in our relationship that i think the only way to be happy is to leave. I have tried talking to him about it, but it doesnt make a difference. Please help if you can. Many ThanksH Reply to this Question
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (21 January 2005):
 Dear HI think you need to ask yourself exactly why you feel so miserable and why you think your relationship has no future. Is it because you have nothing in common? Do you not laugh together anymore? Have you perhaps grown apart? Do you still make love? You say you love him very much so I think there is still hope but marriage certainly doesn't seem to be the right thing to do just yet! You need to give yourself time. Perhaps a trial separation could be an idea. How does he feel? You say that you have spoken to him but that nothing changes. Is that because he doesn't communicate with you? You haven't said this but I wander whether you need to consider seeing a counsellor in order to find ways to reignite your relationship.It would also be an idea for you to gain some independence away from your relationship so that you experience fulfilment elsewhere. You need to make new friends, find some new hobbies.You also need to feel more certain about getting married before you take the big step. Perhaps your boy-friend feels the same way. You need to step up the communication between you both and find out exactly what you both really want.
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (21 January 2005):
 Hi there H,It's very smart to listen to nagging doubts before the actual ceremony.You've been together for three years and marriage probably seems like a logical step, but it's not a compulsory one so if you're "miserable" and your offer to discuss this with your fiance is coming to nothing, then postponing or cancelling the wedding is the best idea for everyone.Don't make the same mistake of going through with the ceremony because you're "afraid of letting people down". It's a whole lot harder to get a divorce than it is to put off a wedding. Messier, too.You and your fiance should be getting some prenuptual counselling right now, before the date gets any closer and you start to feel even more pressured. You need to explore why you feel so unhappy and why he doesn't seem to care and you need to find some solutions. (Incidentally, a husband who doesn't seem to want to talk about problems before you two tie the know isn't going to get much better at it after the vows are exchanged. You don't want to have to deal with that for the whole rest of your life, do you?)My suggestion is that you talk to your fiance very soon. Tell him that you're having second thoughts about getting married this year, and ask him if he'll go with you to couples' counselling to discuss the issues that you're concerned about. If he won't go, or indicates that there's something wrong with your frame of mind because you have doubts, then you already know you have problems that need to be dealt with before you walk down the aisle.As to the grass being greener - or deader - on the other side of the fence, if you were really ready to marry this man, this wouldn't be something you would even be thinking about, certifying (as if you needed it) that you're not ready yet.Delay, postpone, put it off. Speak to a counsellor and don't feel pressured to make any commitments.Hope that this is some help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2005): Hi there, It could be that your having pre wedding jitters, But if you have been together for 3 years what makes you think you dont have a future??Marriage is a very serious comittment, one which you should never enter in to unless you are 100% sure it is what you want. Talk to your fiance again and see how he is feeling. Perhaps you could postpone the wedding for a while and give yourself time to think about what you want.Your weddeng day is supposed to be the happiest day of your life, and should be looked forward to.If you are feeling miserable in this relationship, then something isnt right. Give yourself some time and breathing space to get your feelings in check.Good luck
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