A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Quick summary: I Met my wife 16 years ago. As you can probably imagine we have our share of problems. Three years ago I met my once-in-a-lifetime crush (I am in mid thirties and I have had my share of crushes, but this was way beyond anything I have experienced before). First year I tried to ignore/forget her. Didn't help. Then I tried to befriend her in hopes that the crush would evaporate (you see I am good at fooling myself...) In the end I made fool of myself by telling her about my feelings and we haven't really talked for almost a year now. My problem is that I am trying to fix my marriage, but I am still sometimes wasting time thinking about how I could explain things to her or should I even try to explain.Why I want to explain anything: I have a long history of health problems that even caused me to consider suicide years ago. A year ago when I had major problems in my marriage and this infatuation going on at the same time I was still very much processing my past. It's a big and complex loop of things that are connected... if something had not happened in my teen years I had possibly not ended up together with my wife etc. etc. (It's one thing to make a decision to do something yourself and something else altogether if someone else opens a door for you... basically, I listened "Fade to black" by Metallica until it didn't hurt anymore. I processed many things that I couldn't have fully processed when my health problems were acute).Another reason to talk to her is that I suspect she had at least minor interest in me at some point. I think she might feel a bit unhappy about how she had to tell me very directly to focus on my marriage and not on her. Talking to her might make us both feel more at ease if we ever have to work together or we attend same events (which might happen since we are working in the same company). So, I have this wish to explain why I acted foolishly, but at the same time I don't know if I can accomplish anything positive:-If she never had any serious interest in me then it's ok because she can listen what I have to say and then continue her life. No harm done and I may be able to focus more on my marriage.-On the other hand if she had some sort of crush on me when we met then it might in the worst case mean that I was somehow involved in her decision to end a long term relationship. I am not sure how she might react. Maybe she has completely moved on and again no harm done. -The final option is that she would be somehow shocked to hear my story and it would at some level alter her view on many things. What has caused me great unhappiness could cause still more unhappiness to many (albeit indirectly). I would not anyway end my marriage, no matter what. We have a daughter and I simply couldn't look in her eyes and tell why I left. What might happen is that we would agree to be friends, but it would just eat our other relationships.I know this will bug me rest of my days unless I talk to her. It still might be best to remain silent to make sure I won't mess her (and my) life more.What do you think I should do?Thanks,J
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, I think you are right. It's sad that there probably is no middle ground, but so it seems. More I think about this clearer it becomes that many "safe" paths would in the end just cause unhappiness. I think one of the worst discussions would end in us agreeing that we liked each other so much that it's better that we don't even talk to each other... it would add huge drama that would be very difficult to forget and would probably affect our other relationships.
Well, now I just have to follow my own reasoning and not my heart. Piece of cake...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): I say try to forget about it. I have been in the same boat, but went a little further which led to devastating consequences. When I felt that I just wanted to talk to my crush to make things better and less awkward, I eventually realized that is not really what I wanted. I just wanted more time with him, to see if he had feelings, and even to see if we could pursue things. If your marriage is important to you and you want to work at it stay away! It will only get you into more trouble, and also cause you more pain no matter how it works out!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHmm... I should have been bit clearer: I am not talking about my wife here :-)
My wife knows everything about me and she knowns I had this infatuation going on when we had our most difficult moments. My wife knows I never cheated or anything like that and the whole crush was a side effect of our marriage going downhill (it was of course positive feedback loop: bad marriage and infatuaton supported each other).
I still wish I could look a little less stupid in her (my crush) eyes and that we could feel comfortable if we attend same events or have to work together. The question is can I make things better by keeping my mouth shut or by talking to her.
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