A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi i need advice...im miserable. first of all i have herpes, and i just met this guy a few weeks back. we have great chemistry and talk for hours on phone each night. but i was afraid to tell him about herpes. so i did tell him, but only day after make out session/mutual masturbation. he is hurt upset and says its not the herpes thats the issue, its the fact that i wasnt up front with him so he feels like he cant trust me, and the fact that i put him at even a small risk without telling him, how could he trust me? he said if i had just told him earlier he would definitely continue dating me. he doesnt know what to do now. he is angry hurt upset and says he feels like im not the person he thought i was. he hasnt broken it off but i feel like its a death blow. ive been apologizing like crazy but hes confused as to what to do. im afraid ive ruined a potentiall wonderful thing and that he thinks im a dishonest person. im so unhappy and very depressed now. what can i do to repair this??? please help
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (1 September 2010):
 Mmmm after reading the other posts here I see I have gone off on the wrong tangent here. Thanks for the input Caring Guy I never realised you can get STD's from mutual masturbation. Always learning :-)
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 September 2010):
I'm afraid to say that your guy has a point. And the post at the bottom, Moo's Mum, is unfortunately wrong on this case. There is a risk that someone can catch STD's, including herpes, from mutual masturbation. All medical sites say that, so I'm willing to go with them on it. So for the post at the bottom to suggest that he's not worth the bother if he can't build trust after you weren't honest upfront is a little strong on this occasion.
No matter how hard it is for you, you must be honest about your STD BEFORE anything sexual happens. You can't afford to not be honest, because not only can someone catch it, but they can sue you if you know and don't tell.
I think you have to let this guy make his own decision this time. You may well lose him, you may be lucky. If you do lose him, you'll have to remember this for the future. There are people who will understand that the herpes is not the end of the world. But they don't appreciate it being hidden. Just tell the guy you made a big mistake and it will never happen again. The let him make his own decision.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): I'm afraid I'm with your bf on this one. You should have told him no matter how hard it is for you. I wouldn't want to engage in sexual activity with someone who had Herpes and if I later found out that I had done so unwittingly then I would run a mile from that person. If you are sufficiently close to a person to do some mutual masturbation then I would have thought you are close enough to tell him you have an STD. You will have to see if your bf comes round; if not, then just move on and be honest next time. There's nothing you can do about it now except wait.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): To be honest, I don't think there is anything you really can do - you weren't honest or upfront and you placed him at risk of getting infected. Of course he's going to be upset and angry.
I understand it's difficult to deal with an STD, but it's no excuse to lie like that knowing things would progress sexually.
Sorry to say this, but if I were in his shoes, this would be a death-blow for me too. I'd only consider staying with a girl with herpes only if she was absolutely EVERYTHING I was looking for in a partner. But the chances of that occurring are really slim.
Not to sound harsh, but move on.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (1 September 2010):
Personally I think you have been up front with him. He's at no risk of catching this from what you have done together so far and he needs to cut you a break. Telling someone you have an STD is no easy feat and something you only tell to someone you trust. Trust takes time to build and if he can't see that he's not worth it.
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