A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been going out with this guy for about 2 months. He is really sweet but he is moving too fast for me. I told him a couple of times that I want to take the relationship slow. He does not understand, he calls me like 5 times a day and leaves so many voicemails that my message box gets full! He told me that his whole family knows about me and how they are all excited and happy for him. I just started dating him and he already wants me to meet his family!!! I told him a couple of times that I'm just not ready for that stage yet. I really like his personality and he has a good heart but I just can't stand that he is needy/clingy. What can I do to make him realize I need more space? I tried talking to him a few times but he just doesnt get it. I dont even answer some of his calls but he still doesnt get it. I cant talk to him all the time, I have a life too! Is this even worth it, should I break up with him? How should I go about doing it, because he's really nice and I don't want to hurt him. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): Do you know anything about his personal life/emotional issues/past relationships?
I was with a guy who did EXACTLY the same thing. Except that I like attention, so I loved the getting called 5 times a day. But yea, if we were lying next to each other and I'd move away, he wouldn't say anything but later on he'd bring it up and be like.. oh you're so rude, I thought you liked me. Like I said, I put up with it. Eventually he broke up with me b/c he felt that even though he called me 5 times a day/texted me 50 times a day he still didn't have ENOUGH contact and didnt know what was going on in my life and felt there was too much ambiguity going on between us!!!!
Later on I realized that he had a lot of emotional issues with control, trust, jealousy and was holding onto old grudges against girlfriends. So his attention to me wasnt focused on me, it was focused on his own insecurities.
Now, I dont want to say that everyone is like my old bf, or that your guy is.. but this has been my experience with clingy guys so you should watch out for other signs.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (17 July 2008):
Practigal is right. This would drive me mad too. I need Emily Time on a regular basis.
I think you should tell him you are missing calls because he is leaving too many voicemails, and stop replying to them. When he stalks you to check "everything is ok in the relationship" because you sounded "rude" then tell him straight out, no everything is not ok, you won't leave me alone for 2 minutes.
You've got past the point where you can be nice about it. This guy does not take hints. Tell him that you like him but that if he keeps on doing this then you are going to be driven away.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, PractiGal  +, writes (17 July 2008):
 You have to decide what your limit to contact is - then stick with it!
Right now, you're giving him mixed messages; you're saying "move slow, don't call so much", but then you answer his messages or calls when he leaves a stack of them. The tacit message you're giving off is "You can really call me whenever you like and you'll get through. So keep trying."
The first step to getting your own space back is to remind yourself that he won't fall into tiny scraps if he doesn't have your attention every minute of the day. 100% of your focus is what infants need, not healthy adults. The best relationships give each person the space they need to retain their individuality. Remember what they say: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". Remember also the immortal words of Dan Hicks and His Hot Licks: "How can I miss you if you won't go away?"
The next step is to tell your clingy BF in no uncertain terms that his multiple message are making you *less* interested in him, not *more* interested. Decide how many times you're going to respond in a day, and tell him that - failing an emergency - you just don't want him to call you more than that, or it just feels like unwanted pressure. If he leaves more messages than you're willing to handle, ignore them. Unless there's some urgent health issue, or some other sort of emergency, he should respect your request. Just as you'd respect him for something similar.
It sounds as if he's very insecure and/or new to relationships generally, and this could just be his way of seeking reassurance that you still like him. That's kind of OK as far as it goes, but he sounds like he's making unreasonable demands on you, just for his own comfort.
Finally, be aware of any other behaviours he might have that raise red flags in the back of your mind... This demanding of all of your attention can also be an early indication that you may be with an abuser, some of whom will try to isolate you from other people, then demand a full account of your time by calling and texting constantly. It's just something to be aware of. If nothing else that he does seems too demanding of you, then it's likely he's just insecure.
Hope that this helps.
Take care!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): Hey! I had a similar situation - he was one very sticky aussie guy. He wouldnt leave me alone, calling my work number, txting, mailing, calling my house phone. When I said stop he wouldnt, hed say - you replied in a rude manner so i thought something is wrong so i need to call u to make sure that we are ok...Anyway, ive been with him for about 7 months then decided that i had enough - it was unbelievably hard to get rid of him, but i think i finally managed to - he hasnt rang me once in the last 2 or 3 weeks. Thank God.
Seriously, dont give this guy a hope that you might be the one or that you take him seriously.
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