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male
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anonymous
writes: Okay, so I've been on here before, seeking help because my wife has (what I consider to be) a low sex drive.Some background...she's 25, I'm 32 and we haven't been married long at all, and we only met a few years ago, but we've never had a healthy sex life (again, this is my opinion, as she disagrees with me). During the first few months of dating, we would have sex regularly on the weekends, maybe once or twice. I was always craving more, but she was never in the mood.A few months later we moved in together, and our sex life all but died. Once a week became once every 2 weeks.My wife had told me, early on in our relationship, about her "colorful" past, just mentioning in passing that "she spent some time being a whore". And when we moved in, I made the mistake of reading one of her journals that she had lying around, only to see in graphic detail what she had only briefly described to me.I was horrified.I sought therapy, and came to terms with her past. I told her about what I had done, and apologized for it wholeheartedly. It was a mistake any which way you cut it.And I also learned, through therapy and talking to her, that she was sleeping around because she was looking for someone to provide her with some security, some love, some comfort that she didn't find it until she met me.So it's easy to see that I provided her with what she was looking for this whole time, and in turn she no longer had to "barter" to get what she wanted.It's been a couple of years since we met, and our sex life is severly in the dumps.Some background on me...I was never promiscuous. I always felt that sex was something you shared with someone you truly loved, and was something worth waiting for. I could count on 2 hands the number of women I had been with. And in each relationship, I enjoyed what I felt was a happy and healthy sex life. Sure, the relationships didn't last for various reasons, but sex wasn't one of them.But now, here I am, married, and masturbating on a daily basis because I can't get any at home. What was sex once every 2 weeks, has now turned into sex once a month. I'm sorry, but in my opinion, that is NOT healthy. I'm always trying to initiate (in various ways, some subtle, some not so subtle) but I constantly get shot down. Romantic weekend getaways, cooking dinner every night, drinks at a bar with friends, intimate backrubs...all yield nothing. She's too tired, she wants to sleep, there's a good tv show on, she has homework, she's not in the mood, her neck hurts...you name it, I've heard it.I've talked to her about this (and inadvertently argued with her about it as well), because I'm frustrated. I want my wife to want me. Is that too much to ask for?I mean really...is it wrong that I feel cheated, because she was persuing all these other men, and sleeping with them, but I can't even get her to look twice at me? That's exactly how I feel. Like she was a whore for everyone, and then she met me, and stopped. I want her to be MY whore.I understand this is typical madonna-whore complex behavior, therapy has taught me that. But how can I NOT feel this way?I respect her enough to not force the issue, as I know forcing it isn't going to get me anywhere. You can't force someone to want to have sex with you. And I dare not mention couples counselling, as I'm sure she'll feel like it's my problem to deal with, as there is nothing wrong with her, and we "haven't been married long enough to need counselling" (her quote). When asked, she feels like our sex life is great.So tell me...how can someone go from having a seemingly healthy sex drive whilst single, to having no sex drive at all once they find the man that "fills their void"?I wish we could go back to sex once a week. I'd rather have sex daily with her, but that's not likely, so I'd settle for what we used to have. So what am I doing wrong? Do I just need to accept the fact that she sees me as more of a "provider" rather than an "lover", and just deal with it? Did I set the wrong prescidence by not demanding a more sexually robust relationship from the beginning? Can this be salvaged? Will things get better as we grow older together?Aside from sex, I have no complaints about the girl. And I know sex isn't everything in a relationship, but damn it...this is the part in a relationship (young, no kids, no responsibilities, time to enjoy one another) when we SHOULD be having lots of fun sex. Instead, I get lackluster sex, after alot of work on my part, and it's down to once a month now.Can anyone help?!?
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male
reader, q1605  +, writes (4 February 2008):
 and for now way too much pressure. Even if it worked... in the long run it will put her further off. Since its not getting you laid anyway don't mention sex. Don't whine don't reason don't gnash your teeth. And don't mention that you are not mentioning it. Thats a start and it sounds like it may take a long time before her natural attraction kicks in. It sounds like sex for her was about every thing but sex. I mean she was getting laid but it wasn't really a sexual thing. She bartered for attention or security or to bolster self esteem and maybe to feel needed. But those things should come from outside the bedroom. YOu are going to have to teach her (cuz it don't look like it will be generating from within ) to have sex for the lusty animal gruntingly good time that it is and not as a means to sate mental issues that should be totally unrelated. Well in a healthier mindset those emotions and needs can blur into it but she needs to find a place where sex is sex and nothing more. And you will have to lead her to this water without her knowing it. You sound very much in love and this will give you the patience you will need to take this one day at a time. You are going to have to think two sentences ahead of everything you say and edit it rigidly for content and not sound contrived. You are going to have to find somewhere well constructed to put your dick so that you don't snap one day and just run screaming and naked through your house wanking the whole way through. If she becomes self conscious and gives you sex take it but don't seek it out and don't tell her that your penis is threatening to move out of state unless he gets reinstated as the CEO of all your actions thoughts and deeds. I don't see it happening but if you do this long enough she may start seeking sex out and one more thing. if you masturbate of course I never have but if you use porn I've heard that guys do this forget what you see on the screen. This is what horny guys like to see so this is what porn producers make. Women dont like to be held down and banged like a shutter during a hurricane. There is a time and a place for this. but its not everytime and every place. Be gentle. and be soft. And if you are being like this with lots and lots of soft caressing and long slow kisses and just exude that you are so into her that to go faster would make you die of sensory overload she may start to understand the wonder of a womans body and see that its not a commodity and sex is not a race. Don't use her body to masturbate with, allow her to do to you whaT feels good to her. and the thing I've noticed when you lose yourself in a woman slow and soft like that,there is no need to try and figure out what she might like to do or have done. She will meet you out in the middle and when its leisurely and unrushed you might find that what feels good to you naturally in this slow pace naturally feels good to her as well. So you might discover things about your sexuality as you unlock and reinterpret hers. And man I don't mean to sound patronizing but the complaint I've heard most from women is they get tired of the rushed man handling they have foist apon them.And that a lot of guys are clueless or pattern themselves after what they see in porn I'm no don juan I've just been around some vocal and strong willed women
A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (4 February 2008):
Does she not like sex or does she not like sex with you. As harsh as this sounds women begin to view sex with their husbands as a duty rather than a shared expeirience. Once this happens they are very vulnerable to affairs and sometimes are unaware of their true feelings because they are told that it is wrong for them to have these desires. I suggest you read a book called Women's Infidelity. Off the top of my head I think the author is michelle langly or very close to that name.Not to say that your wife is unfaithful...... yet but it explains the dichotomy of what society tells women they should want and what is acceptable behavior and how this conflicts with the biological programming in womens brains. Much like men use the bee pollinating metaphor to justify screwing around on women. Women are kind of the flip side of the same coin. Frankly as a man I feel sympathy for women that get these (later in life urges)or lack of because they cannot reconcile what a patriarchal society tells them they should want and how they should feel and their absolute and primary use and goal in society. It's not fair and women should at the very least be cut a little slack. Even when they are unfaithful
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): Try offering her 20 bucks
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A
male
reader, eddie  + ♥, writes (3 February 2008):
 I wouldn't tell her you want her to be your whore, that's for sure. By the way, I remember when you posted here originally. It's been a while.
I have feelings about this topic that I strongly believe. When you have two people who are at opposite ends of the sexual spectrum, it's a difficult ride for the person with the higher drive. The person with the higher drive has no options. The other person has all the control and in any situation, that breeds resentment. It's like the boss at work, he decides your hours, salary, benefits etc. He tells you when to take a break and if he says jump, you ask how high. You have no control or feeling that your input has any value. The difference is if you don't like your boss, you can work somewhere else. In a relationship you're not able to get sex from another person. That makes you "stuck".
The person with the lower drive doesn't see it as a problem because their needs are being met. There should be some compromise though, that is the answer. Sex every night is too much and once a month is too little. She needs to know that you will not go on this way. I always say that unless there is a reason why sex is an issue for someone, why not make your partner happy. Many people are just too tired or uninterested to make the effort. It does take effort too, especially after being together for a while.
Comparing her past to today is just going to frustrate you. I understand why it does but you can't expect her to repeat things she did that made her unhappy. She may have had some issues she was dealing with then that made her act that way.
In the end, it will have to be her choice to give you more. At this rate, she can't give you less. You need to communicate and draw your line in the sand, in a nice way. Get some help as a couple to meet on common ground.
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A
male
reader, polarkite +, writes (3 February 2008):
 Hi Anonymous,
You sound pretty frustrated. No, you can't go forcing people to have sex with you. You want her to be your whore? This is sounding more and more like a David Lynch movie. Mulholland Drive?
Communication, Communication, Communication!
You need to tell her you want to have sex, direct and honest. You need to ask her why she's not having sex with you. You need to be prepared for the fact that she might have a legitimate reason, and it may play into your own insecurities. It might be that she thinks you are lackluster in bed. You need to be understanding and most of all listen to her. You need to realize it may take time to work through whatever reason she has. You need to take her very seriously. If you do all these things, finally, you will have more sex, and when the time comes, you need to talk dirty to her.
Above all, do not blame her, rather, be understanding and listen! Chicks love that.
~polarkite
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (3 February 2008):
 She comes from a culture of , 'No money No honey!" You have got to talk to her in her language. Maybe you need to remind her that many others would be willing to be in her shoe.
She has taken you for granted.
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