A
female
age
26-29,
*eresBoo
writes:Although my partner has been through very similar situations to me, he doesn't know how to sympathise/empathise or comfort me at all.He is not a very touchy feely kind of guy and doesn't understand that it's not okay to just say 'that sucks' to a serious issue.My question is, what are some helpful ways I an tell him to comfort me? We have talked and he finds his issue is he just doesn't know what to do as the women in his family are private and block out everyone and he doesn't know how to deal with girls when they are sad and crying. What would you say to him if he was a friend asking what to do???Thanks in advance :) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, HeresBoo +, writes (14 May 2013):
HeresBoo is verified as being by the original poster of the question Just to update, we have implemented a plan to work on something every week that the other misses or feels is lacking. It's working fantastically and things are going great, thank you.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 April 2013):
 Ah yes Ok... I see now... an explanation.
Well I can give you a generic idea why.
IN GENERAL, women like to vent about their problems and be comforted without actually NEEDING a resolution to the problem.
MEN, are problem solvers and want to FIX the problem. When they can't FIX your problem they get frustrated and either do not want to hear it or do not know what to say or do.
I had to learn to say to the person I was venting to "I do not want or need you to FIX this, I need to vent and just have you listen" and that has helped. You could then say 'I know you WANT to fix this but I don't think we can do that... can you just hug me cause that helps!"
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 April 2013):
 I think your Bf did a pretty decent job of explaining you why. If he has grown up around female figures who were very reserved or emotionally withdrawn, or anyway weren't inclined to open shows of negative feelings, " strong and silent ", then he really does not know how to handle these situations, for lack of examples and experience. Plus, growing up he may have interiorized the message that grief is personal and private, or that one only cries when it is " appropriate " ( funerals etc. ) , or stuff like that. I think he is being honest, he does not know well how to react, and I think SVC's suggestion is valid : tell him what you want . Do you want a hug ? Tell him. " I need you to hug me when you see me down ".
You think that should be intuitive, right ? , actually it isn't, not only for the reasons he told you, also because
really people have very different needs in their moments of discomfort. Some want a lot of " you poor dear " and physical contact, other just want to be left alone to lick their wounds , some don't want to dwell on sad thoughts and want to be entertained and distracted with something fun, etc. Communicate your needs ,and in time he will learn to respond without your prompting.
Then there's another thing. How serious is it the serious issue, and how often are you sad and cryng ? It's a regular thing, or an exceptional one ?
I am not accusing you of being a crybaby with tears in your pocket, but you know, the boy who cried wolf effect, if you are highly reactive and respond TOO OFTEN with tears to negative situations, the other persons can't help eventually think " here we go again " and have trouble distinguishing when you really need support and when you are just "emoting " or seeking attention.
Plus, if you find yourself quite often sad and crying, maybe
you aren't going about it the right way ,and you are giving your bf responsibilities that don't belong to him. I mean, if you cry because of a serious recurring or permanent issue in your life ( chronical illness of a family member, the aftermath of a death, severe depression... ) then you'd benefit to deal with it with the help of a professional , your bf can help but just to a point.
If instead, your emotions are all over the place, and sadness and tears are your normal, unfiltered response to frustrations and disappointments, perhaps you should sort of watch yourself and try to regain some control . I don't mean STIFLING your emotions, or pretending you are happy - just learning to feel your emotions without been totally overwhelmed . Ultimately, we CHOOSE what and how we feel because we choose our thoughts . We may have no control over facts and situations in our life, but we have at least some measure of control on how we choose to see them and interpret them. You empower whatever you focus your attention on, and if you strive to become the type that tends to see the glass half full more often than half empty,you'll become your own support system and you won't need to delegate entirely to your bf the responsibility to make you feel good again.
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A
female
reader, HeresBoo +, writes (19 April 2013):
HeresBoo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was hoping someone might have some insight on why he doesn't understand and ignores me instead of comforting me...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 April 2013):
We have no idea what YOU want from him in terms of comfort.ONLY YOU know what YOU WANT from him for your needs.I mean what if I liked to be comforted by being spanked? I have a friend who finds being whipped comforting. I kid you not. I doubt that would work for you.so you know what you want don't you? why are you finding it so hard to find the words to tell him?
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