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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, I'm going out with a lovely guy but I try and avoid the sex as I don't enjoy it at all. He's not that interested in sex and I have tried lots to improve it but I always have to repeat to him what I like and I'm tired of it all. As I think we´re not compatible in the bedroom do you think I should just call it a day and let each of us find someone more compatible? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2006): Hi, thanks for answering. I have enjoyed sex in the past but the problem with my present guy if that Ive tried for months to improve our lovemaking-Im not getting aroused. I told him that it fine if we only have sex now and again but when we do, for him to do the things I enjoy. He seems to forget or half do them. Im worn out telling him all the time. And i've just lost interest. And now i cringe and try avoid it as i know what hes going to do and not do. Im not sure if i can go on like this for long even though I would like to stay with him as hes lovely otherwise. Talking and trying lots on my part for 6 months now have not worked. I cannot understand why he just doesnt do the things i want. He enjoys all the things i do and I have done lots of different things. I feel when we do make love hes not really interested though he says he loves me.
A
female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (25 February 2006):
 Maybe he just has a low sex drive, if you want more sex than him then maybe you are incompatable so should move on but before you do just think about sex with other partners did you always enjoy it with them or are you just not that bothered either really, if both of you are not that interested in sex then you need to try and find out what turns each of you on and make sure when you do have sex it is equal pleasuring, not just one sided, and that you both do it when you want to not just because you feel you aught to.
For some people sex daily is the norm for others once a month or just a few times a year is fine, I think that it does not matter how oftern you do it as long as it is good quality sex and not just routine.
Try and talk this all through with him and then make up your mind to stay or go.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (25 February 2006):
 How's your relationship *outside* of sex? Do you like him, or even care about him? How are his feelings for you? Is he thoughtful in other ways? Does he sometimes think to do things to surprise and please you? Do you laugh together? Are you matched intellectually?
What I'm getting at is that there are other reasons to be together, beyond sex. Of course, if you're a very sexual person, the disappointment in the bedroom might outweigh other aspects for you. But if you have an average sex drive, and he's a very nice man in other respects, then it might just be that he needs a chance to blossom. For example, it might be that he has silly little fantasies (most of us do!) that will bring him out of his shell a bit.
You say that you've tried things to improve your sex life, but maybe if you can engage him in a conversation about a fantasy he'd like to act out, it could amplify his enthusiasm.
What it comes down to is your perception about what's important to you. If good sex is a make-or-break issue to you, then I'd say give him another chance by offering to break out the gorilla mask, the feather duster and the grape jelly (I'm kidding; but you understand what I'm saying, right?).
If the sex is mediocre but he's lovely to you in other ways that count, maybe you should consider that, in long-term relationships, the sex often becomes a bit vanilla over time anyway, and just enjoy being with someoen who's good company and a "lovely guy".
Hope this is some help.
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