A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Hey, guys,I am 52 and I am having a problem with my man, aged 55. I have been seeing him for 10 months now, he phones and texts me daily. I have considered myself extremely fortunate to have met a lovely man who has done everything in his power to make me happier than I've ever been (and I have had some nice relationships)..he is tactile, and well thought of by everyone he knows. He is selfless in his concerns for other people, does charity bike rides/walks, has a responsible job which involves dealing with serious organised crime, (so making the world a better place); he's a super dad/grandad, and I see him almost every night except when he goes (occasionally overnight) once a wk. to meetings in London, when he phones me from his hotel room. I love him and he has asked me to live with him - but recently I have found that he's been looking at some websites for massage parlours and girls advertising 'no strings' sex!!! We had a row about this, and he insisted that they were old sites which he accessed in order to delete them as he was still getting e-mails which he was not interested in since he became committed to me. He is angry, and swears that that is the truth, that if he had anything to hide he would not have given me full access to his computer and a key to his house. I don't know what to do, I SO do NOT want to lose this man- he is my life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi - Just an update - his last words to me were "The ball is in your court".. Now I have had a think about it, and weighed up the pro's and con's (one consideration is that back in March I won a radio competition for a holiday for 2 in the Cayman Islands, for September, and I can't change the name - so I would have to go alone, also we booked another week and paid for it) It would be a terrible waste if I made the wrong decision. Furthermore, it would give us a chance to see if we can make it, as I can forgive, but only time will tell if I can forget..also I have no real reason to suspect that he actually DID go to bed with anyone. But he has not contacted me since Monday night - so HOW do I get talking again without appearing soft, or seeming to take responsibility for his behaviour?? I really feel it is up to HIM to make the first move. I am not being childish, but I do have a point to make here, don't I?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2006): Thanks Anon,I have asked him if I am "enough" for him, and he says (and displays) that I am MORE than enough. He could not be more attentive, and he is more than happy with me. As for the website, yes it was to cancel his (free) subscription. He said when I had gone through the hurt I was feeling, that, 'if anything he had been a bit stupid; also that he could have deleted that bit of history with a click of the mouse, but felt he had nothing to hide.' His best friends have told me that he is a more relaxed, contented man than he used to be before he met me, and they could see how much in love we are. I do believe it would be a waste not to at least offer him the chance one more time. If he blows it again, then I will be forced to re-think. Thanks for your contribution, it has given me some valuable food for thought.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2006): "Old Sites that He Accessed in order to delete them because he was still receiving emails"......hmmm sounds like he is either a paid subscriber who went in to cancel his account, or that he is full of BS.....you don't need to access old sites to stop the emails from coming. In fact, when your computer's IP address shows up on a site's list of visitors, they will send you email forever. Going back to delete them just doesn't make sense, unless he was cancelling his subscription. If you have 'trust issues' then this type of thing just reinforces your suspicion. I find that many men have dirty secrets, and most of them are harmless, but still disturbing to the female mind. It doesn't matter what a consciencious community icon your man may be...he still has a libido, and will express his sex drive in whatever ways he sees fit, with or without your involvement, if he is so inclined. They really do think about sex differently than women....as many of us would not be comfortable orgasming to a stranger's touch. For men though, it doesn't matter who does the stroking, the key is that it is being done, and that alone results in fulfillment. I'm not sure what to offer you here. It does sound like he at least has a history of fancying this private behavior, and we would be fools to think that it stops when a relationship comes along. It may slow down, in the beginning, but as you know, the ability to arouse fades in long term relationships....his old behaviors will inevitably resurface. Ask him to see his credit card statements, as many massage parlors accept such payments. If he is more likely to use cash, well then, you have your work cut out. It does sound like he is a good and decent man. Try not to feel so hurt and betrayed without proof that you have been. Communication will be incredibly important, with no emotional stone left unturned on either of your sides. It's still a new relationship, and trust develops over time. He needs to learn who you are and what you are comfortable with....and then, if he displays behavior that he knows will affect you, you have been wronged. But that hasn't happened yet. Slow down your pace. Take time for your own life and keep the conversation flowing with this gentleman. Like I said, most men have private, dirty worlds....that doesn't make them incompatible partners...it makes them 'crazy makers'. Such is the true story of love. Take care of your life daily.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your speedy reply, Camille. I had to go on his computer as mine was out of order, he even switched it on for me and I'm afraid his 'history'list was open when I went to another page. All his pop-ups were there, so out of curiosity, and as he was a bit late coming to see me one day last week, (which is out of character) I just took a peek at the pop-up for that day, and there it was!! Just last week! I know I should not have done it, but I had also found some condoms - (which we don't use) some time ago, which he insists were old ones which he just "never got around" to throwing out. I will add that he does things such as not removing the old toilet roll when he gets a new one out, so although I gave hem the benefit of the doubt at the time, that set my alarm bells ringing!
And he says he is 100% exclusive to me and has never even looked at another woman, also that he has not felt the same way about anyone for a very long time. He re-affirmed last night that he cannot believe I could doubt him, after all he has done for me, and that he wanted the relationship to last for ever. I just said I needed time to think, and left it at that. By saying he is "my life" I know sounds needy and pathetic, but I have never loved anyone as I do him. We are so good for each other. Also he said to ask the guys at the rugby club what he has said about being committed to me, and thay will substantiate it, as will their wives/girlfriends. So, I don't know what to do now. My gut feeling is to give him another chance, but I don't want him to think he can do this to me again - I do feel hurt still, but he insists that he was just browsing, which we all do I guess, at times..Am I just being overr-suspicious and putting 2+2 together..? I need as many answers as possible on this one, so please, guys, help me on this one??
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A
female
reader, camille  +, writes (25 July 2006):
 I'm sorry I can't help with the question you posed, only he can and trust will have to come from you, but....2 things you said set alarm bells ringing, how did you "find" this out? Were you snooping? What were you looking for? You say you don't want to lose him and say "he is my life", please don't let any partner become your life.It's about sharing. I am sensing insecurity issues and so my advise is to tackle these. This will help you regain self esteem and therefore aid your trust issues. And it will also help you realise that this man will help enrich you life, but you'd also be able to cope without him.
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