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We're having sex and he doesn't want a "relationship", but I'm in love with him...

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Question - (29 June 2005) 14 Answers - (Newest, 12 August 2008)
A female , anonymous writes:

I'm a 19 year old girl and have been sleeping with this guy for nearly a year and half. My feelings are growing stronger for him but he doesn't want a relationship.

I recently sent him a text telling him what I really for him but he didnt reply. I've seen him since but I'm too scared to bring it up so I pretend it never happened.

I really love him to pieces but dont know how to tell him without scaring him off. Can you help?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2008):

i'm going through the same thing. it really hurts and i just dont wanna let go even though i know i would be better off without him. idk. one night of fun isn't worth weeks of loneliness and sadness. =[

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A female reader, undulater United States +, writes (8 August 2008):

I like you all have this similar situatin only we live in the same house, he lives apartment upstairs, literally over my head. it is pretty convenient but heres the the thing, he says he doesn't want to have sex because that means a relationship to him and he has had his previous battles and not want a relationship right now. so what happens is we see each other once a week and do everything under the sun accept intercourse. the other day i asked him to rub it against me and he did almost in there. I am now going out of my mind, i can't take it so close, what is he thinking. its been going on for year and a 1/2. I know its wrong and i need to go but it is so tremendously difficult were we live togehter here.........suggestions? other than to move, i can;t!!!!!!!

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A female reader, sexy mumma United Kingdom +, writes (4 August 2008):

Ok so like most of u, i am in the same situation. Me and this guymet in a club and he was really intome, i ended up giving him my number and meeting up. We met a few time's and one day round mine i was caught up in the moment and lead him to my bedroom, he wanted to put it off for abit said it's to soon. What does that say to you? Now i have been sleeping with him for 6 months now and i swear i love him. He know's how i feel, iv told him. But he said i dont want a relationship and that we should stop sleeping with each other. So that's where i left it.But he still call's me. I end up giving into my feeling and sleeping with him again, then feeling shitty after. How can i stop myslef?


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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008):

If a guy has been sleeping with you for over a year and still claims he doesn't want a relationship with you:

1) He has been using you

2) Not ready (and probably never will be) ready to comit

3) A waste of space

4) Does not respect you

Bottom line: walk away

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2007):

I'm going through something really similar. It sucks. I've been messing around with one of my best friends for awhile now, and I just got around to talking to him about how I feel, and only because I sent him something meant for my friend asking what to do.

If you guys have been sleeping together for that long and you still aren't in a relationship, then you need to tell him how you're feeling. I know it's hard, trust me, but it's better to put out there how you feel. At first you'll feel like you just messed up and you don't want to lose him, but give it some time and you'll realize that it was better to get it out there. It's not healthy to be in that kind of situation.

All I can say is that I wish that guys would just straight out say how they feel about you. I don't get that if they like you back why they can't just work it out and make it happen.

It's like they would rather go out with trash instead of making it work with someone amazing.

It sounds so ridiculous, but I hope that one day it will work out for all of us that have loved and not been loved back.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007):

I'm a 23 year-old girl and I live in Italy. I read ur problem and I really understand how you're feeling. I broke with my bf 4 months ago, and a few later I met this guy - we had a common friend -. We started hanging out (always with friends, never alone) and we realized we were attracted to each other. Every time we went out, at the end of the night we said goodbye to our friends and he picked me home. And we made out. By now it's almost two months we've been making out, but he has never asked me 4 a date or smth. He told me he had just come out from a long relationship as well, and he doesn't feel like starting over with another girl. Honestly I think he's not over her yet. I told him it's the same 4 me, "nothing serious, please" but it's not true... I would like to start smth with him.. but I just don't wanna press on him because I'm afraid he could think I'm kinda desperate!!

But on the same time I don't want to stop everything, cos I like him... I'm feeling a little used by him...dunno what 2 do...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007):

OMG..your question applies to me exactly. I have been sleeping with this guy for a year and a half now, and at the beginning, I thought I could just do it for fun, as a no-strings attached kind of thing. We met Septmeber of last year, and I found out he went to the same university as me. We had sex the third time we hung out, and I was naive at that poit,thinking a relationship would come out of it. I was always getting fustrated with him, because he wouldn't call, or woudnt respond to my text messags. We went for weeks, sometimes months without seeing eachohr, and then we'e see eachother again and have sex. It made me feel unworthy, but as sad as it sunds, I just wanted someoe to be with,and when we were together, he always made me feel special and admired. He is kind of a "bad boy" and I think I was and still am attracted to that qulity. At first, it seemed like he made more of an effort to contact me. He would message me when he hadn't heard from me in a while, but whenever he would do something like, "forget his pone at home" or "leave his charger in the car", I would say ok, and I would forgive him for treating me so poorly. Through all of this, my self-esteem was gettging worse and worse, and the fact that my four roomats were all in serious relationships didn't help. After sophmore year in college, I didn't speak to him all summer, and I thought I never would again, I finally began to expriece closure in that I had begun to move on, and get him out of my mind. A week before junior year in college, I saw him at a club in Toronto , (the club we and event we had met at a year before) . I tried to play it cool, but he did it again . He swept me off my feet, though I still had reservations, telling me he was sorry and that he was just afraid of commitment the previous year. I felt liked again, and he even came to my house after and we talked. He told me he missed me and that he wanted to see me more the next year.We had sex, which I now deeply regret. He tld me to call him the next day when I got to London (where I go to school). The next day we spoke on the phone, ad naivey, I thought he had changed. To make a very long story shorter, it start up agin, the whole thing, the whle game he plays, his assholish ways, and everythig else that comes along with it. The only difference between this year and last, is that this year is a HELL of a lot worse.I've cried over him more than anyone. It's shit. MY friends tell me to forget him, but I'm sure you know that's easier said than done.

I think the most important thing is closre. WheneverI want to have the "talk" I always freeze. I guess I am afraid of what his reaction will be, and figure that seeing him the way I do is better than losing him alltogether. Love works in strange ways, but I kow hes not good for me. Sometimes though, thats the attraction.

Best of luck with your situation. You're not alone!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007):

I am in the exact same situation, only it's been going on for just a week... Already I have an attachment to him, he just had his heart broken and what not. He is this sexy industrial 45 y/o punk rocker guy. I don't know what to do. I say try for a relationship, but incognito. Make him fall in love with you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2007):

I think you need to discuss this with him. You need to stand your ground and let him know how you feel. If he has no consideration for your feelings then you know what you need to do!! He has no right to take your for granted in anyway. Atleast you will no where this relationship is going.. You need to ask him what he wants from you and where he wants to go from here. You need to find out how he feels about or else you are going to get hurt in the long run!! So go and talk to him, communicating with him will only bring you closer and good luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2006):

I completely agree with Bev and Lucy! He's only in it for his own pleasure. Been there, done that! I have a question thou, why do these guys feel like they have a right to get jealous when they see us with other guys or if we're out and a guy hits on us. He's only a bed buddy, not a boyfriend! That's when the signals get confusing.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2006):

I am in the same predicament, but it's a bit different b/c I've only been seeing him for just a few months. I've never been in love before, but I really think I am now. Also, I've always been able to handle my own (meaning leaving when it's time to) when it comes to guys. With this guy, I literally have to pray for strength just to keep from calling him or picking up his phone calls...It's been little over a week since we've spoken and his been calling, but I don't know if it's b/c he's afraid of loosing a sex buddy, guilt or that he may actually have feelings for me....Either way, I would like for this to end....Any opinion is appreciated.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2006):

Okay so you love him but he clearly doesnt love you and only wants you for sex if you love him I'm sure you don't want to be with anybody else where as he is probably shagging different women all the time. Does it not bother you that hes only in it for sex?

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A reader, lucy +, writes (30 June 2005):

I know how you are feeling at the moment sweety and I understand how horrible this must be! I think the reason that this guy is saying this is because he is a player and wants to do stuff with other girls besides from you.

If you think that by sleeping with him you will make him change his mind about wanting to be with you, you are wrong. This guy is using you for his own pleasure and does not care about your feelings. He is a user and you deserve so much better.

You could also catch all kinds of horrible sexually transmitted diseases, as it is very likely he is sleeping with other women too.

Don't let him win sweety by sleeping with him, as this way he is getting his own way. This guy doesn't deserve you and even though it is hard to start off with i think you will have to try to cut him out of your life and move on.

In this past year and a half you have been missing out on the chance of meeting a really great guy who will love you and want to be with you.

I strongly advise you to get rid of this man as all he is doing is causing you heart break while he gets his own way. xxx

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A female reader, Bev Conolly Australia +, writes (30 June 2005):

Bev Conolly agony auntIt sounds to me like you're sleeping with him, hoping that he'll fall in love with you. But he's already told you that's not going to happen. Men can do that - separate love and sex - a lot more easily than women can.

The reason he didn't respond to your text is that he doesn't want you to be in love with him. He probably wishes you'd never sent the text. He never promised you anything more than you already have, and he doesn't feel inclined to change things.

So you need to step back and accept the facts as they are, not as you'd like them to be. What happens to this arrangement if he continues to regard you as nothing more than a convenient vagina?

If it were me, I wouldn't be wasting my "feelings" on someone who has made it clear that I'm nothing more than an easy root. Either accept what you have at face value and enjoy it as such, or wash your hands of it and walk away with a tiny shred of your dignity intact.

This guy (he's a bit of a pig, really) is not in love with you and he's not *going* to fall in love with you. He's made his terms clear already.

If you stick around hoping that he'll change his mind and return your affection, you'll only get hurt.

I'm sorry.

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