A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Might seem like a pathetic problem but I’m worried. I been with my boyf 6 mnths and really love him.He was in a longterm relationship that ended a few months before we met. They drifted apart. He is 32 and I am 26. I’m a very insecure person as is he, which is why we are prob so alike.We both are v. firey people too and get into moods which we carnt get out of. Somethin he said on fri really bothered me though. He said he was really effected by my moods more than he’d ever been with anyone else. That they made him insecure etc.He said he has such strong feelings for me that maybe that is the reason. But (and this is the WORST bit) he says he’s never been THIS insecure in a relationship before!I was so worried when he said this and am worried about what this means for our relationship.We spend a lot of time together and we both ask for constant reassurance from each other.Iam more than happy to give him the reassurance he needs.but don’t know what more I can do? He constantly question everything like if I’m bored of him etc, etc.I’m so scared this relationship wont work out now he has said he has never been this insecure. He reckons he has never been this “excited” in a relationship before either…so he says maybe that is why…I’m baffled as I’ve never done anything to make him like this on purpose.Is our relationship doomed? It seems every week or two one of us will have a bout of insecurity and need some reassurance. My friend said this is a co-dependent relationship and I’m worried as I just want a happy healthy relationship. What do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010): This sounds very similar to my boyfriend and me! The part where you're both insecure, that is.
Let me start off some questions: are you both as sensitive and perceptive as you are insecure? That is, can you read each other's facial expressions well? Do you have an inkling that the other one is upset before it is said out loud? Most importantly, when hurt feelings come up, do you talk it out productively and caringly?
Because if you are sensitive, perceptive, and willing to talk out problems (that's how my boyfriend and I are), then there could be a simple solution, if you're both willing to try it. The solution is in two parts.
1) You both pledge to definitely bring up complaints (of boredom, anger, serious annoyance) about the other if they arise, PROMPTLY--not after many months have gone by. Of course you would phrase it as politely and caringly as possible and discuss the problem with the goal of finding a solution, not just crapping on each other.
2) If those negative comments or complaints aren't being brought up, then you need to do your best to trust each other that everything is okay. This is something you'd both need to do, so it's fair. And you and your boyfriend might want to think up a mantra or an affirmation of some sort, like "I know he/she loves me and everything is okay" if the worry starts up.
Also, there is another strategy you might want to try, in addition or instead of this first one (which I admit sounds scary, but that's what I'm doing right now with my boyfriend): Try complimenting each other every day. Say, three compliments per day. Just work them in there naturally, when it comes up. Thanking him is a good start, so then you can add a compliment. Like, "Thank you for bringing me a tissue when I needed it. You take care of me so well."
Good luck with this! Insecurity is a tough thing to deal with, but with patience and love (both for yourself and for your partner), you can master it. And if you're worried your friend is right about your relationship being codependent, you may want to read up on it. There are some excellent books on the subject you may want to try. Reply back here if you want recommendations!
A
female
reader, natmarie  +, writes (10 August 2010):
 I am sorry to hear about this. I really wish I could advise you, but I am going through the same thing!!It is very painful. I always think my BF is going to leave me.. every single day infact, andI think he thinks I will too. I wil watch to see what anwers you get - feel free to message me. Natmariexx
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