A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey all so me and my ex or whatever you wanna call him broke up 5 months ago. And we decided that we wanted to work things out so he moved back in with me and here it is 5 months later and he still lives with me we do everything we did when we was dating but as he says "we're not labeled" and he likes it that way because I can't tell him what to do or control him. I'm 21 and he's 22. I don't understand what he means by not labeling it. If we are doing everything we did when we was dating why not just get back together? He said he likes things the way they are now but I honestly hate it! So keep telling him that since we aren't dating then we don't need to sleep in the same bed, same room or even cuddle or do anything we do when we was dating. But he always says he can move out so I tell him to move out and he doesn't I feel like the only reason he stays with me is because if my 3 year old daughter which she's not even his and I feel like he only stays with me to help me financially since I have no job right now. I have no idea what to do. Every ask me if me and him are dating and I always say no we just live together and then they judge me. Half of the time I ask myself why do I even want him around and then I remember that I have no job and no matter how hard I try to find one it never works out I've had several interviews but all the places keep saying the same stuff which is " I'm to shy" or " I have no experience" what should I do? Should I wait it out and see what happens or just move on to someone else?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 November 2014):
 OMG, male anon, Im tired of accusations like yours. If you would read what I wrote and actually process it, you'd see that I no where blame MEN for putting pressure on women to want marriage. Why so defensive? I was talking about her friends who judge her, not MEN. So get a grip. But yes, society DOES pressure women to want marriage and relationships. It's not like we were born with that mentality.
BTW: " Thats like a man complaining that men are "pressured" to want quick easy sex from women!" Yeah, aren't men pressured to do this? Because all I have heard about so far is men not feeling like men unless they can't get laid, so if that's not because of pressure then you tell me why that is. Biology? Give me a break. A man wouldn't be feeling like he has to "prove" himself by getting laid, if it wasn't for this very pressure from society.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2014): @ Chigirl:
You complain that women are "supposed to" get a guy to commit and marry? WTF? As if this was some kind of outside pressure from society and men? Thats like a man complaining that men are "pressured" to want quick easy sex from women!
Whatever undue pressure is put on women for commitment & marriage, women are responsible for putting that on themselves.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (26 November 2014):
I really hate it when people judge. And they do judge. I believe HE doesn't get judged, because there's a double standard here. Girls are supposed to get a guy to commit and preferably marry us, or else we're somehow "giving milk away for free" etc. But we're not farm animals! Sheezes. If anyone is giving something away for free here, it's HIM. You, dear poster, are the one who's getting a free ride. He's back, you get all lovey dovey and support, financially and probably otherwise as well, yet you do not have to do all the couples stuff and be responsible for so much and plan so much and think so much about him and his needs. You don't have to think of them at all!
The problem here is that while he knows where the line goes, for himself, you don't. You want a proper relationship because you're getting shamed for not having one. I know how that is, really I do. With my last boyfriend, there was a period of about 6 months were we were officially not together, but in private we were. We were exclusive, we were dating, we were having sex etc. But we didn't have the expectations of a relationship. I didn't expect him to do this or that, inform me of his decisions, or keep me in the loop. Likewise, I had the freedom to not keep his best interest in mind either, but put myself first and just take whatever he offered as a nice bonus. Boy did I get shamed and judged for it as well! And my friends were quick to judge and say this entire "fling" or "booty call" or whatever they decided to call it, they said it wouldn't last, that it wasn't going to do me any good etc etc.
People think they have your best interest at heart, but honestly? They just like to shame other women for doing the non-traditional thing. It's socially inherited. Women are supposed to want commitment and marriage, not casual non-official arrangements.
But you know what, some times, these casual arrangements is just what you need. In all honesty, I believe that if it wasn't for your friends shaming you and judging you, you would be FINE with things the way they are.
You agree, the problems are not solved. They are not worked through. You and him still need to figure things out. Being part wasn't a good option, because you need his help, and he wants to help, so why refuse it? He wants to be close because he cares for you, and you do the same, so why don't you? He doesn't want something official, and in all honesty you do not NEED something official either. You and him NEED to see if you can work through your issues, and then take one step at a time, not FORCE yourselves back in a 100% total package deal of a relationship, when one or both of you AREN'T READY for it. Just because society dictates that you should force a relationship, doesn't mean that's what's actually best for the two of you.
What happened with me and my ex was that after the 6 months of unofficial dating, we became an official couple, and were so for another 18 months. The problems we had, we worked through. Now of course, my friend has dared to say that she knew it wouldn't work out because that's what she claimed because of the way we started off. But that's BS. I know what went down in that relationship, she doesn't. But for some stupid, irritating reason, girls judge each other and like to sit on our tall horses and look down on each other. Socially inherited BS.
YOU and only YOU know what's good for you. Your friends, sorry, they don't have a clue. You know what's good for you, and everyone else is just sitting on their high horse taking a big, fat guess at it.
If you don't want him there, tell him to leave. But he's there, and the only reason must be: because you want him to be there. So why not let him stay? As long as you and him are exclusive, I say why not? Take whatever time it takes to work things out. Give the relationship the time it needs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2014): Get to the job centre ASAP. Get child maintainance from your daughter's father. And get a job. You don't need lots of skills to be a cleaner for example. He's not with you and will meet someone else sooner or later. The fights that will ensue will be horrible for your daughter.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2014): He's not totally convinced he wants to take you back. He won't put a label on it; because he's just waiting to see when things will go back to the way they were before you broke up the first time.
If you do everything you used to, eliminate the sex and see what happens. Otherwise you can label it friends with benefits. If he's supporting you and your child, you can label him your benefactor. He isn't allowing you to put label on it, and blatantly told you to your face you're controlling or a bossy girlfriend. He is keeping a wall up; because he knows you haven't changed. That doesn't mean the child should suffer, because the adults in her life can't grow up.
He doesn't have the heart to see you or your little girl struggling. He does care for you, but not the way he used to. If he didn't do the things he used to do, you wouldn't have allowed him to move back in to take care of the both of you. So, in order to be his own boss; he moved back in on his own terms. He won't leave when you tell him to; because he knows you don't mean it, and you could end homeless.
Let him get his own bed, cut-off the sex and cuddling. For now, he's your roommate; and a father-figure for your little girl. If you hate it, end it.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 November 2014):
 Your submittal "sounds" to me like your describing yourself as totally dependent upon him..... so YOU give yourself no choice EXCPET to acquiesce to whatever he wants.
THAT sounds to me like he OWNS you.... and you have no say in any matters that affect YOUR life as it happens vis-a-vis him.....
Is THAT how you wish to spend THE REST of your life?
Good luck...
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