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male
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anonymous
writes: I have been really good friends with someone for about 2 years. I have always felt an attraction between us but she was in a relationship for 15 months so never did anything about it. At the start of the year she split up with her boyfriend. I then found that my attraction for her grew stronger. I asked her out about 3 months after her breakup and we started seeing each other for about a month. I knew that she was maybe not ready for a full comitment but we got closer over this time. Then, after a fantastic date, she said she didn't want to see me anymore. After this we kept being drawn back together and she even told me that she was in love with me and that she felt contented when she was with me. However she still didnt want to be with me and finally i concluded that i had to let the relationship go.I feel fine about this but she has really put up a wall and it has really affected our once good friendship. I feel like she is struggling but she wont talk about it. I really want to get our friendship back.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): only time will tell. wounds need to heal.....
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (11 July 2006):
 It sounds to me like she's struggling with the new dimensions of your relationship. There's not much you can do to help, other than be patient.
Although I don't guarantee I'm a mind reader(!), here are my thoughts: it seems to me that, when she started pulling back after a month, she probably felt that the seriousness of the r-ship was overwhelming her and that it was too soon after her last breakup. That would also explain why she didn't want to see you after a great date. She may have felt she was falling for you and that would have scared her.
I don't think that she'd lie about feeling "contented" with you, so that's probably true. But if she was scared about getting into a serious relationship (with anyone) then she wouldn't want to continue.
The friendship that you had once has probably developed into something else. As to what that is, that's a bit up to her. I suspect that she's fighting herself over whether to allow her guard down and get romantic, or not risk it and try to be friends. But it would be very hard for her to be friends if there was a greater attraction for you at the back of her mind, so right now it's "no man's land".
Give her plenty of space. Try to be patient while she sorts herself out. Make an occasional friendly invitation, if you can.
You may yet get back to what you had, but your friend needs to work through the problems in her mind first. And that will take some time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2006): I think that if you were more patient with her, this would have shown to her that she could trust and rely on you to be what she wanted and needed.
I don't think she was playing a game but was rather full of fear and insecurity. Perhaps she didn't feel she deserved someone like you.
Now she is hurting beyond belief; you proved her fears true so yes there will be a wall. She is back in protective mode.
Of course you feel fine, you were more confident and you knew what you were feeling and you knew your intentions.
Communication and trust are big for women. I don't think she felt that she had this with you which is unfortunate as you two sounded like you would have been uber happy with one another.
You need to tell her that you are her friend and that you will be there when she needs and then DO what you say.
Actions mean more to most women and not so much the pretty words that a few men toss around.
You seem a very decent fellow so I have faith that you are willing to put your all into rebuilding the trust your friendship needs.
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