A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in my early 30's and still a virgin. I was abused when I was 11 yrs old. I was physiically abused but my attacker did not succeed in raping me.. In other words, I was not penetrated. Since then, I developed a fear of men. During my teens, I was not into dating or having any relationships. I've had only 1 formal boyfriend and I was never able to go any further with him than kissing and making out. Recently I started a new relationship and I can finally say that I'm working on getting any fear or phobia out of my head. My boyfriend is super understanding and cares for me. The fact that he is an experienced older men have made it easier but here comes my problem and herefore, my question. We have tried a lot of things and I feel comfortable, but when it comes to intercourse, is NOT happening... He cannot penetrate and we have tried so many options. I'm getting frustrated because I feel is my fault, even though he made it clear that is not. Like I said, he is very experienced men and eventhough I am technically a virgin, I know certain positions and we have tried them. I know my question will probably sound naïve but I'm ruNning out of options. Is there a posibility that it has been too long for me to start a normal sexual life??? Is it my boyfriend and the fact that he hasn't been able to make it happen?? Please help!!! my
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2011): Can you have a normal sexual life?
Yes, unequivocally yes. But, it takes work, therapy, patience, and an understanding partner who is also willing to work, be patient, and engage in therapy.
This book helped me, my wife was the one who was abused.
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933
There are other books, you may want to read more than one, your partner should read as well.
Some women and men who have been abused or assaulted will completely avoid sex, others will go the other way and have sex with anyone who is willing, to try to push the past out of their heads. Neither way works once you get into a relationship that is serious.
Yes, you need a therapist, a couples therapist, who can help you. You may need individual therapy as well.
Most important, understand that no matter how far in the past this happened, you must be open and honest with your partner about the past and what is happening with you in the present. My wife was not and it caused a lot of heartache and I nearly left her because I thought it was me causing all the problems. Just as an example, when I would approach her at certain times and places, affectionately but not truly sexually, she would stiffen, push me away, reject my affection. When I was reading this book above, I came across a passage that range a bell, asked her, and she told me about something that had happened to her when she was 8 years old (40 years before), and every time I touched her like this (hugging her from behind while she was brushing her teeth or working in the kitchen), it caused this flashback.
Don't give up, my wife didn't begin to talk about this or work on this until she was over 15 years older than you and our marriage was at a total dead end sexually, it took that dead end before she would talk. Within a couple of weeks we began to see improvements, within 6 months we had what I would consider a near normal sexual life (although I don't think it will ever be "completely normal" as there has been way to much past trauma).
Also, instead of having kids dealing with a broken home and issues with a husband who left because of the hidden problem thinking she found him sexually unattractive, she has a partner who works with her on life, and who she talks to (most of the time...although she still has periods where she stops talking...I expect this will get better as it has been less than a year).
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (18 July 2011):
 Your not to old. What Id recommend go to a xxx store and buy some toys, he can word those is to get part of the work done, during foreplay, and then try penetrating. If he's using toys then you're already idk loosened up a bit, and it may make it easier for him to penetrate you. Also you could try to use a lube as well.
Do you think their may be a possibility he's trying to penetrate, and you're tightening your muscles, could be a reaction of fear of not knowing what will happen. If so, try closing your eyes, and taking your mind to a place of relaxation. Allow him to do the work without exercising your muscles. That may work for you.
Put your trust in him. He's not the one that attacked you. I understand the fears, but you need to reprogram your fear. It was one man who attacked you, not all men. When you generalize, you see every man as evil, and not just the one that attacked you. Be grateful as well that the rape did not happen. I hope this helps, take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2011): It is hard to say what is causing the problem with intercourse it's probably your past abuse and maybe something physical. You don't say why intercourse is not happening. Are you having pain, are you too nervous? I would say counseling and sex therapy may help. It is not too late by any means for you to enjoy your sex life. But I would also say don't worry about it and focus on it so much. Just try to let it happen. If it doesn't then either you're not ready or maybe he isn't really someone you should have sex with, so don't force it. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 July 2011):
 What did the therapist you've been working with say? And if you haven't been working with a therapist, it's clearly time to find one, as the aftermath of the abuse remains a problem for you.
You can ask your gynecologist for a referral, and talk with the gyn about the condition known as vaginissmus. I think this is out of DearCupid's league, honestly.
You're a young woman with her whole life ahead of her, why not go all out and throw all the expertise you can at overcoming this hurdle? Get really good qualified professional help.
Best wishes for your complete recovery from the trauma you suffered.
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