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female
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anonymous
writes: I don't know whether to get in contact with my ex. I broke up with him on Thursday but then realised i'd made a mistake and asked him back on Saturday. He said that there wasn't much time left so he doesn't want to (in 5 weeks, i leave uni for the summer and next year i'm in Holland on a compulsory placement so we're now not going to see each other for 16 months)We had planned to split up in 5 weeks but remain friends and meet up every 4 months, so we wouldn't forget what we had. We both wanted to get back together after the 16 months but realised it would be too difficult to have a long distance relationship as we were bound to slip up and hurt one another. Now we have split up prematurely, we won't be meeting up over the 16 months and i don't know whether to keep in contact with him in the hope that we will get back together. There was nothing wrong with our relationship and when we met up on Saturday we went for a drink and it was exactly the same as when we were together, except no physical stuff. I don't know what to do, i'm scared he'll forget about me if i don't keep in touch but i don't want to move into the friend zone where he will never think about me romantically again. Any advice?
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male
reader, Gryphon +, writes (9 May 2006):
 I think the one thing women do not understand about men is that once a man is in a romantic relationship and the woman breaks it off, the man will never be able to not think of her romantically. This in and of itself is why the “Let's just be friends” cliché never really works out. If the guy is scorned and hurt, he will always remember the romantic side of the relationship and every time he sees you he will most likely be overcome with questions about why it ended and memories about what you two had together. So in short, I don't think you ever have to worry about him not thinking romantically of you but you do have to worry about how to keep him close and understanding that you still care for him. A man's immediate reaction to rejection is generally anger, especially because in my experience women are usually very vague on why they want a relationship ended (ie “It's just not working out”). So I would say he is just very torn... he knows you want him back, but he also knows that if he doesn't develop a shell now he is only going to be hurt when you leave. It's one thing to make grandiose plans and it is a completely different thing to actually see them fulfilled. I think your idea of 'long distance friendship' is admirable but seems very hard to actually pull off and pull off well. I'm afraid the only advice I can offer you is to either work very hard at maintaining the relationship throughout your absence (which will be no easy task) or let this be the separation point and work out details for the '4 month meetings' later when he has had some time to come to terms with the situation (and possibly cool down). You are playing a very risky game if this person is someone you want to keep around because I personally feel it is almost impossible to just suspend a relationship and not expect there to be unforeseen issues that arise as a result.
Don't mistake me, I wish you the best of luck here. I just think you need to review the situation and gain a realistic understanding of where you want this to be when you are finished with your time abroad. Only then can you make a clear and final decision and be okay with the results – whatever they may be.
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