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female
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*aphfire915
writes: hello! I am having a problem with my now ex boyfriend. We were going out for 3 years and everything was great. When we broke up he said that he wanted to be friends but I told him that I wasn't sure I did. But I gave it a try anyway...dumb. When my grandpa died I went to him for support and I asked if I could see him, but he gave me lame excuses and said that he would call me in a couple of days to hang out if he didn't have work. I found out that he did have the day off and he went to go visit one of his other friends. I received no phone call at all. This just proved to me that he really doesn't care about me. Then why would he call me a week before that and actually say bye baby? He's the one that wanted to be friends and hes the one not acting like one. I'm trying to get over him because of that fact, but i keep seeing signs and see him driving by even though he tells me that he's working all the time. Should I call him and express my feelings of how he hurt me? Or should I just take the hint that he really doesnt want to be my friend?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2005): Just move on with your life and don't say anything. Because he wasn't "there" to help you through a family death..you already are expecting too much of him. Granted, it would've been nice if he could've been there or said he was sorry but really, was he obligated to? Were all your other "guy and gal" friends there for you, too? It's highly unlikely. Sometimes friends view death differently than you and will respect one's right to "privately mourn with their families". This could have been what he was doing.
You have to distinquish what role he plays in your life now. Post break-up friendships rarely work because there is many unresolved "emotional" issues & expectations from the love relationship that make it difficult neither party is ready to move away from the intimacy they had shared. Feelings are still touchy and sensitive. Likely the best you can expect is that you and the ex can reach a place of peaceful co-existence and mutual respect. But you can't expect him to act like your "boyfriend" and be there through your hard times.
Some other things to think about: While it's nice you can be "just friends" you must accept that the dynamics of your bond you once shared with him, has been changed. It won’t be easy, conflicts will arise because you were once more than friends, the ex may feel uncomfortable when there is a new romance in the air for one or both of you. You broke up as a couple for good reasons but these reasons that may still come up as issues in a friendship. If you can let go entirely of this person as an ex, and think of them "only" as a friend then you may be able to build a comfortable, fun friendship together, but if you still see them as “your ex” this will always taint the friendship. Carry on and appreciate the support and encouragement from your other friends and allow him the space to get on with his life in his own way and in his own time. Take Care Hugs, Irish
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reader, becky05 +, writes (4 August 2005):
It sounds to me like he said he wanted to be friends because it was the easy thing to say.
Hes certainly not acting like much of a friend, I think you should let him go, for good.
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