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We both know we could be good for each other but are afraid to date one another

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Question - (13 September 2009) 4 Answers - (Newest, 13 September 2009)
A male United States age 41-50, *arwes writes:

A friend of mine last week revealed to me that she loved me. I have known for quite some time that she felt that way and never said or acted on it because I did not want to risk ruining what we have. Now that she has made it clear her feelings for me, she is now stating that she is not interested in moving our relationship forward. She does not want to risk ruining or friendship, and she regrets saying anything. What should I do? We both love each other. I know it will bug her to know that I'm dating someone and Its gonna bug me when she is dating some one. I don't want to push the issue and risk our friendship, but there are intense feelings for each other. Currently she is trying to stay away from me, but that is proving hard. We have been terribly hurt in past relationships and she is guarding her heart as I am mine. But we both know we could be good for each other. What should we do?

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A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (13 September 2009):

Woah there, well the fact that she is in love with a MARRIED MAN with CHILDREN may well explain why she's a bit hesitant.

That's a pretty important detail just to drop into an update.

If that's the case then you can't blame her for wanting to keep her distance. I wouldn't go anywhere near a married man with kids and baggage, no matter how wonderful he was.

All you can do if you have told her how you feel is give her time. If she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you because of choices you've made earlier in her life then you can't blame her for that.

Tell her you want her and hope that once the divorce comes through she will see you as a guy worth having a relationship with.

Until then, give her space and let her get her head straight.

Good Luck!! xx

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A male reader, jarwes United States +, writes (13 September 2009):

jarwes is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I told her that I loved her too. I want to be with her. She is afraid that I am not over my wife who I am divorcing and that the emotions from my divorce and custody battle are clouding my judgment and my feelings. She does not want to be as she put it "the reason I forget my wife" Nothing could be farther from the truth. My marriage is over, has been over and while the divorce is messy due to our son, my feelings over my wife have been resolved for a while.

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A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (13 September 2009):

Just get the hell on with it.

If you have feelings for her then you are not her friend. You are lying to her by saying you are. It's exactly the same with her as well.

The only reason she's back tracking now over what she said is because she risked everything to say she loved you and what did you say?? Well since you aren't together I'll assume it was something that came across like a massive rejection. Not nice for her.

So now she's trying to get over you and you know if you two ever did become REAL friends with no feelings involved... it wouldn't be the same. It would always be too painful so you are going to lose her anyway.

Just tell her you love her back and want to be with her. Buy her flowers and tell her you can't stand the pain of being away from her, that you are an idiot for not telling her when she told you.

Get some balls and do it or lose her for good one way or the other.

Good Luck!! xx

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A female reader, GoGreen126 United States +, writes (13 September 2009):

I'm no expert. Lots of people older than me don't appreciate advice from teenagers, but I'd like to help if I can.

I dated my best friend when he told me he loved me--I can genuinely tell you that it was the best 5 months of my life. The highs were higher, lows were lower, and I was just about the happiest girl in the world. He is far and away the single most amazing person I've ever met. Yes he has flaws, everyone does. But I love his flaws.

Sorry, I'm getting carried away here.

It was WONDERFUL while it lasted. However, 4 months ago he changed his mind and decided that he didn't love me in that way, only as his best friend. These 4 months that have passed have been impossibly difficult for me. I cry myself to sleep generally twice a week still.

But of course, you may take into account that I'm a teenager, and apparently all drama is heightened in the teenage years. 15 isn't old enough to have really seen the world.

I think it's a risk. I took it. In retrospect, would I do it again? Absolutely. That relationship taught me SO much, especially how deep feelings really can be.

Good luck!


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