A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:????Firstly I know this is going to come off as me sounding rude and snobbish but I need to vent.I’ve been with my fiancé for 4 years- we are due to get married next year but I’m having second thoughts because of his family.His family are quite rough, they have no manners, they are rude and like to start arguments. His nieces and nephews run riot and have no discipline… Fortunately my fiancé has always been polite and respectful with me and my family but when he is with his family he acts like them and he doesn’t see how poorly his family behaves. If we go out for the day or for dinner they are all so loud and make a mess and are rude to staff. There are so many of them that they just take over at every event and have no consideration for others around them.When we first got together it wasn’t too bad as we didn’t all live nearby however over the years his family seemed to have moved closer so we all lived within a 15 minute drive from each other and see each other regularly. There have been so many instances when his family have been embarrassing.When it was my birthday we had a party at our house. We bought plenty of food and drink and his family just had no consideration for any of our other guests- the food was set out as a buffet and they pushed in front of other guests, piled their plates with so much food that my poor dad had to go out and buy more stuff as we were going to run out. His nieces and nephews are aged between 3- 14 and on that day one of them kicked my mother (completely unprovoked) and another one soaked my dad and sister with a water gun. I told my fiancé that he needed to have a word with the kids and their parents as it was unacceptable and he was like “ they’re just kids, they are just having fun”.So I told the kids off and I then told their parents what had happened who were completely unbothered by it and found it funny.My family ended up leaving early. As time is going on I’m realizing that we are just too different for things to work out. We were raised differently and our backgrounds are so different too. I was raised in a middle class family, with discipline and taught how to be respectful of others, he was raised the opposite. I cannot be dealing with his family the rest of my life.I’ve tried talking to my fiancé but he doesn’t see anything wrong and I understand- he was raised the same way as them so I can’t change his mind. He a decent guy in general but around them he behaves differently- I don’t like the person he becomes when they are together. I’d never stop him seeing his family but I really don’t care for them.How do I break this off without causing a huge upheaval? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2023): Find someone else with a nice family that you feel comfortable with.
I am sorry to say that when my parents were alive they were so badly behaved - my mother in particular - that I carried toxic shame with me for years, and it deeply affected my self esteem.
As their daughter, even in childhood, I somehow intuitively knew that their manners (or lack of) were appalling.
With that said, I've since worked and socialised in very upper middle class circles and I can say that some 'posh' people behave just as appallingly, if not more so, but their wealth somehow covers this up.
The behaviours that you are describing are evidence of a deep rooted sense of entitlement, and that can run through any class sector of society, but runs very deep in a person's character, can affect group and family behaviour and is NOT something I would ever suggest anyone try to combat or change. It won't work.
Your fiancé has no inclination whatsoever that his family are rude to the point of being anti-social, he is oblivious to it. Okay, so this might be because he loves them, but he could also be loving them and trying to do something to protect you and your family from them. He also leaps to their defence - not yours - when you bring this up. Those responses, but particularly the last one, are signs that he will never change and doesn't see any need to. He cannot, then, ever value you or your family. He might try, but will always revert to type and the longer you stay with him in a marriage, the more this will grate on you and wear you down, causing conflict. Were he ashamed, leaping to your defence, trying to get them to behave better, or simply avoiding them altogether and confiding in you how he felt and working with you as a team to tackle the issue, then that would be a completely different story. But he's not doing that, and your children will have to grow up around his family's children and his lack of boundaries with them, so unless you want children who behave the same, or who are confused and conflicted on a daily basis about why their Mum and Dad argue about his family all the time, then let him go.
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (22 May 2023):
 Once you marry him i suspect that his family will be playing a huge role in your life.
You are not married yet, so if you are having second thoughts before you get married listen to your gut feeling and what your heart is telling you. If your having doubts then now would be the best time to step upto the plate and break it off.
If you go along with the flow, don't say anything and just get married because that's what you think you should do then i feel you will be setting yourself up for heartache further down the line.
You should only get married if your 100% in your heart of hearts feel its the right thing.
From your post i think you should save yourself from future upset and break it off sooner rather than later.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2023): Years ago I was living in an awful situation with my mother, stepfather and sister - I won't tell you how come because your hair would stand on end. I had to make sure I was able to leave asap and the only way I could do it was by marrying this man who was very keen on me. He was a bit rough, his father and mother were much more rough. Always swearing, in debt etc. But I weighed up that I would marry him, get away from the awful family and then sort out that problem later. His mother died a few years later of drink. His father died shortly after from smoking.
You are not in a situation where you would be improving your lot or becoming happier if you marry into this situation.
You need to get out of this now, urgently, no more moaning about it or talking about it, but actually cutting ties.
And your fiance will be a lot like them, I promise you, even if he hides it a lot of the time. If you stay with him he will gradually reveal this to you bit by bit.
I had a lot of trouble getting rid of hubby a few years later when I insisted on a divorce. He was forever nagging me to let him stay, and other people would interfere and nag me to let him. The benefit would have been all his.
To prove it I can tel you that now that we are both in our sixties I have five houses all bought and paid for by me, from my earnings, not luck or gifts or inheritances or a lottery win etc, all paid for with cash, not loans.
I now do well on the stock market and many other investments. Where my ex husband is living in a crumby shack with a lot of debts.
Sometimes you have to think with your brain and not with your emotions. If you have a relationship with the wrong person you get dragged down to their level. And they want to be with you so that they can cling to you and be dragged up to your level.
This is a situation where moaning about it is pointless and just wasting time. Action is what is required.
Forget about what they want and just think of you.
You will come across worse things to deal with as life goes on, practice being an adult now by doing the best thing for you before worse things come along later. It will not only mean you avoid this disaster but will toughen you up for life as an adult.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2023): Give yourself time to get your head right for it. Gather your courage. It is what it is. When you marry, unfortunately you also take-on in-laws and relatives as a complete package. In most cases, distance makes all the difference. If they continue to close the distance and corner you; then you are left to make a decision on what is best for you.
If you are going to reject someone, and end an engagement; you have to be upfront and totally honest. They have a right to know why; especially if his family has invested money in your future wedding. Yes, there will be some resentment and upheaval; but you've tried to work it out with your fiancé. Who seems dismissive; and is basically gaslighting you, by suggesting you're overreacting.
It boils-down to this. He will set some boundaries and expectations for you, with no doubt; and you are entitled to set your own rules and expectations. Part of the match, and test of compatibility, is being a reasonable fit within each-other's families; and maintaining some semblance of peace and tranquilty among your blended-families. You have determined your expectations and boundaries are met with indifference. Giving you your option of fight or flight.
If you can't see a future with him, inclusive of his family; then now is the time to make your feelings and intentions known. Not a few days before the wedding, or at the alter.
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