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anonymous
writes: My husband and I have been together for 8 years having both been widowed previously. My husband is 23 years older than myself (he is 76 and I am 52) and to be honest the marriage was of benefit to both of us. I was in need of financial support and he needed a housekeeper come wife, I did not love him and although he said he loved me I have never felt loved. My previous marriage was a very loving one.I had a bungalow in Wales and he lived near Oxford. My family (I have no children) all live in Sussex and his 4 children live all around here in Oxford. He suggested I move to Oxford with him as he did not want to be far away from his family. I agreed as I would be that bit closer to mine and we bought a house together. The house is in joint names and the two halves have been willed to each side of our family.At first we did all the usual things and he would take me out for the occasional meal and we had some good holidays. We joined the local golf club and play regularly in the senior section. I feel I am a very good wife. He does nothing around the house and I pamper to his every need. Gradually over the years he has not wanted to go out unless it is to play golf. In the house he either plays games on his computer or watches the TV. He rarely sees any of his family and will only speak to them if they instigate contact. I have asked his daughter why this is so and was told that he has always been a very selfish man. This I have come to realise. If I want to see my family he always expects them to come here as travelling to Sussex costs money in petrol and he is very much the scrooge when it comes to me spending money in that way. I have a small part time job which gives me a tiny income but nothing else so I rely on his income in the main.It is getting to the point though that I would like to get out more and enjoy life including holidays with my family but he doesn’t want to come and wouldn’t hear of me going without him. I have arranged several golfing holidays in a group to keep him happy and although he would come on a different type of holiday with me alone I would hate it as he will not join in with any activity, preferring to sit and read a book. Our last holiday was a disaster and I vowed never to go away on my own with him again. My sister has asked me to go on holiday with her and her children (her husband works abroad). I would love to go but knowing how my husband will react, hate the idea of asking. Should I tell him I am going or just say no to my sister? Am I being selfish in wanting more out of this marriage? I feel there is all take and no give. I have contemplated leaving him but I would feel very guilty leaving him in the lurch with no-one to look after him. It would also mean selling the house in order to release my money and I would hate to do that to him. If I want to do something he doesn’t, he makes me feel guilty even asking for it.My friends and family think I should stand up to him more and do what I want but the repercussions are difficult to live with. What do you think?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A reader, Sharon, writes (19 January 2005): My dear girl,You seem to be a generous and giving soul. This is the reason he made you this offer in the first place. He knew that he would be able to manipulate you into a position of weekness, where he had all the power. This man is an emotional blackmailer. He is an abuser, an emotional abuser is worse, sometimes, than a phisical one. You say you don't want to leave him in the lurch! Would he say the same if it was you who were being left out in the cold? I think not. Selfish is not the word for this man. He doesn't give a damn. As you said, he wants someone to take care of him. About time he did it himself don't you think? There's only one decision you need to make. Make it and you will have your answer. Do you want to be in the same place in 5 years time, as you are now? Think of you for a change. Be kind, loving and generous to yourself, just this once. Good luck
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