A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok so this is complex. Right I met a guy and we dated a little, but only just got serious, we ARE NOT going out, and have only kissed, but we go out lots and I stay at his most weekends and we hang out. Now recently he told me that he wants to be with me, but over the summer he had a one night stand with this girl, and ever since shes been 'keen' on him. And he said he firstly needed to let her know he wasnt interested. As he met her to talk, she said she needed to tell him something, which turned out to be she was a week late with her period. Now clearly this is not good news as they are in no situation for a kid, and he cannot start a new relationship not knowing if hes a father or not! I understand this. But we still continue to act like a couple. Apparently she took the morning after pill like a day late. But something doesnt add up. The apparent 'conception' would have been like 5 weeks ago, and yet she still hasnt taken a test, now if this were me I would be so concerned and would take one straight away. But anyway.... I realise all that is none of my buisness so im staying out of it. But I just think to myself, should I wait for him? I dont want to abandon him in his hour of need, especially if im the only person hes confided in (Im not sure) so I wouldnt do that, but should I wait around for him to sort this out (which neither of them seem to be doing) or just move on?Thanks xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk... I saw him last night, and we got along really well and stuff and he told me that the girl in question is not pregnant.
He wants to see me later. But im not sure if I should.
How do I proceed from here and let him know im only interessted in a relationship?
(sorry to keep bugging you!)
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHes been tested :) yes I know hes been a idiot tbh but he really has done a lot for me. He's extremly nice, he used to buy me a little treat every time he came to see me, he offers me lifts everywhere (I cant drive yet, and he can) he takes me out places, hes lovely to all of my friends, he offers to pay for the meals/tickets (but I like to pay my own way), hes bought me a movie because I happened to mention I liked it once, and he went out a bought a couple of films for one day when I came over, made me a CD of all the songs id liked after a day spent listening to his ipod.. the list is endless.
Hes always said he's ready for a relationship, hes a little older than me, but his only relationships have been long term, like 2 years. So I feel hes a decent guy but hes just made a mistake.
Of course im going to end the stop overs, they are lovely, but I dont want to look easy I guess...
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): That is what I would do if I was in your shoes. Guys value what they have to work to get. You are valuable aren't you? He hasn't done enough in my opinion to win you, I don't mean you have to totally ignore him or play extremely hard to get, but I think you are being way too easy by spending the night with him....it sends a message that you don't mind being used even if you aren't having
full on sex with him. Spending the night is reserved for lovers in a committed relationship.
Right now as it stands you are still just messing about.
You may be ready for a proper relationship, but is he? Is he the one you want? He seems reckless to me having one night stands, unprotected sex? I would make sure he gets tested before I would let him come near me.
But that's me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell he basically told me he wanted us to be together, once he had sorted this situation out.
But I see exactly what you mean, that last line did hit home. So I have decided i'll just be friendly with him, until he decides hes ready, if ever. I think i'm ready for a relationship, ive spent the last year messing about.
Thing is, I do like him! So thats why its gonna be hard to just not be with him. And im sure hes gonna find it strange if I dont want his arm around me or summat... but no im gonna stick with it, being friends until he askes me out :)
Im just worried if he sees me with other guys hes gonna get mad and then not want to be with me. Like last night I was talking to him about some friends, and I mentioned one guy was very attractive and he goes 'Oy!' like in a jokey way.
I dont think hes leading me on, because hes been trying to go out with me since April, its just wrong timing right now!
Thank you very much for the advice, you've helped loads! :D
This is definatly the right thing to do?
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): I think you can do what ever you want.
The thing is I still don't think this is a serious relationship between the two of you. You say you "think" you are pretty exclusive.
It sounds to me that he is just dating you and he can stop dating you when ever he chooses to do so. He hasn't asked you to be exclusive, right, so why are you acting as if you are.
If you just happen to end up at the same place through socializing, you don't have to be paired up as a couple or end up spending the night with each other. That makes things a little too easy and convenient, don't you think?
Why instead don't you keep your boundaries and socialize with the others, go home alone without him and let him wonder why you aren't jumping at the bit to be with him.
It doesn't matter that you have known him as a kid, you are still both very young and in my opinion there is no reason to get so tied down so fast to any one person. This is the time of your life that you should be exploring a lot of different relationships and kinds of people to learn something about yourself and what kind of relationship or person that you are most happy with.
So keep your options open and don't act the part of a girlfriend when you haven't been given the role.
Make sense?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe I didnt explain it properly, or maybe we use different terms for things. When I say 'date' I mean like go out on a date, like for a meal, or to the cinema, which we have done a few times.
When I stay at his we usually watch a movie and curl up asleep in his bed. Yes we only make out, because I dont want to go further untill we are in a proper relationship, i.e boyfriend and girlfriend, at the moment we are just seeing each other.
When I said 'serious' I meant we started spending a lot more time together, and staying over at his, and I think we are pretty exclusive. Wheras over summer, we just had a few dates and stuff but were not exclusive.
Im not just getting to know him, we have known each other since we were 6 and 9, and then in april we met up and got talking and since then we have been very close. I wasnt keen on the idea of a relationship at first because of the whole friends thing.
When I stay at his he never tries to make me go further, not at all, hes very sweet.
So basically you think I should carry on with my life? The thing is, whenever I go out hes usually at the same place so we will end up paired as a couple for that night anyway....
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): I am a little confused as to why you think this relationship is "serious".
You don't date, yet you just hang out a lot, and you spend the weekends at his place, but you don't date and you only have just kissed.
He hasn't actually started a relationship of any kind with you because he may have a girl he had a one night stand with pregnant.
And you are concerned with the girl and why she hasn't taken a pregnancy test?
My concern for you is that you put your concern and your questions to this boy. Is he mature and responsible? Is he good enough for you? Is he showing proper respect and interest by taking you on dates or is he just hanging out with you hoping things turn physical, like they did with the other girl.
If he hasn't asked you to be his girlfriend for what ever reason this is hardly a serious relationship.
You are just getting to know this guy. Put yourself back a few steps and evaluate him, not the other girl in this equation.
Should you wait for him? Wait for what? Keep dating other guys if you want too and continue putting your life and intersts and goals first. If you have time to see him when he asks great, but be busy with your own life and let him prove himself to you...not the other way around. You don't owe him a thing after all, including "waiting" around for a test or for anything he might want from you.
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