A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:y do girls who have a bad past get called a slut and a guy called a player? and y when a girl is known for sleepin around and finds a good guy he is told to hang on to her no matter her past...but when a guy has a past of cheatin girls are normally told to avoid a situation with him...im confused help!
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female
reader, quiet-echo  + ♥, writes (22 October 2009):
 That sounded cheeky and I apologise. Let me attempt to explain and rectify.
I have a great deal of compassion for men and I’ve spoken up for them many times throughout my life, not just on this site. I agree with the OP that a man with a colourful sexual past is judged more harshly by some than are women. Contrary to myth ‘gigolos’ aren’t actually admired. In fact they’re more often ridiculed (even gently by friends). Few people consider a man might be trying to fill some emotional void in his life by sleeping around. They just assume he’s a player. But that is because men keep telling us over and over that they have a biological urge to impregnate as many women as they can without forming emotional attachments!
This notion that men have a greater need for sex and sexual variety, that women only want one man, that women cannot separate love from sex, that woman get a free ride in relationships, and that men require greater understanding and compassion when it comes to their partner’s sexual past is absolute rubbish. And it is also very damaging to both genders.
Biologically speaking men and women have the same sexual agenda and women have as much to gain, if not more, from sexual variety than men do. We’re not so different emotionally or intellectually either.
Relationships are an enormous, potentially life altering investment for women, and our partner’s sexual past vexes us as much as ours does you, but we ‘suck it up’. And if women can learn to do it so can men. We’ll be supportive of your efforts to overcome it as long as you’re not disguising your fear of not measuring up to our past lovers as moral outrage. When you take the moral approach, we become suspicious that you’re trying to control our sexuality.
The vast majority of us are not using sex to control men. We’re merely trying to protect ourselves from falling into that trap of providing all the perks of a committed relationship to someone who is not yet entitled to them.
As for what drives some of us to cheat; the motives for sex vary, as do the motives for infidelity. Ultimately some of us want something somewhere else. The ‘what’ and the ‘why’ depends upon the individual and their circumstances. Some are seeking to fill a void in a relationship. Others want to form playful and exciting connections with others. Some will do it as an act of revenge. When I say that women use something lacking in their relationships as the permission they need to venture outside it, I do not mean this is a conscious decision.
If I’m unhappy in a relationship and I decide to cheat (this is hypothetical only), I’m not going to go out and sleep with the first man who agrees to join me in bed. I’m going to select someone I ALREADY found attractive. If I found them attractive beforehand, then the possibility of sex has ALREADY crossed my mind. The fact that I did not act on it sooner might have been solely because I was in a relationship and didn’t want to risk losing my partner. Do you understand what I mean?
Arguably hunger is the best sauce so we might find someone more attractive at that time than we would were all our needs being met, so yes sometimes people do cheat to fill that void. Not always is my point.
A
female
reader, quiet-echo + ♥, writes (22 October 2009):
I appreciate the difference of opinion but I don't need a man to tell me what women's motives are. Thank you though.
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A
male
reader, Pyroshadow + ♥, writes (22 October 2009):
I agree with this very much.
I haven't been overly promiscuous in my life. I mean I had a few one night stands, a few short term relationships and a few long term ones and dabble a bit in a poly circle...
Okay so maybe I done a little more some guys but not too bad. And yeah, I am a guy but I have been called a slut before.... But I still dont think I was that bad.
My girlfriend has done some very awful things in her past. Very very bad (sex with an unknown amount of strangers while blindfolded is the worst).
I am a 'good' guy. I know how to treat a woman, am respectful blah blah blah. So she really likes me and I really like her.
I think her past is awful but I am just supposed 'man' up and deal with it? When if she though my past was awful everyone would be telling her to leave me.
This is such crap. It should be seen as equal guildline for both sexes.
@quiet-echo
"When a woman cheats it is because she wants to and the fact that her relationship is lacking something is just the permission she gives herself. Men give themselves permission to sooner than women do is my guess which would explain the supposedly higher percentage of male infidelity than female."
I have to disagree. I think all cheating is a lack of something in the relationship. When women cheat its because they dont feel sexual desired by their parnter. Yes I will give you that.
When men cheat its for the same reason. Women try to hold the power in the relationship by controling sex or using sex as their tool to get what they want.
Men by nature are told to spread their seed often. In fact, if a man doesnt spread his seed, his body will naturally release it in his sleep. When a man feels sexually insecure, he when he is most likely to cheat. He will find another woman (or man) who finds something about him sexually appealing and engage in a sexual relationship with that person.
This happens more in men because many modern women try so hard to hold power and control over their man with sex. Women that do this are more likely to have men cheat on them. Sadly women are finding that this a way to get what they want and have been using it more and more with just leads their partner to cheat.
So really it is the same for both sexes in the case of cheating.
@ A reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009)
I agree with this. Many men (including myself) see themselves as protectors. As the role of the protector you want to be able to take care of defend what ever it is that you are looking after.
Men value their panthers body. Now I'm not saying that men want their women all to be 5ft, 5in 120lb. I dont mean body as in physical appearance. When a I say body I mean her actually body. A woman who is very promiscuous has been used more. It could be looked at that she doest value her body or maybe her body is more damage or less value. I can't tell you what one it is.
I am in a contstant struggle with my girlfriend because of what she has done. I want to take care of her and love her but the things she had done are just so awful that I dont know if I can be with her.
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A
female
reader, quiet-echo + ♥, writes (22 October 2009):
Because it is incorrectly assumed that when a woman has sex or cheats it is for some emotional connection and when a man does he is merely obeying his biological urge to procreate (all the more incredible if he's practicing 'safe sex'). When a woman cheats it is because she wants to and the fact that her relationship is lacking something is just the permission she gives herself. Men give themselves permission to sooner than women do is my guess which would explain the supposedly higher percentage of male infidelity than female. That said, some peopel DO cheat because of something lacking in their relationships that ocne addressed, the cheating stops. As others have said, this is a broad generlization.If women are believed to engage in sex to fill some emotional void then perhaps we're seen as a controllable risk. As long as we get what we need, we'll be faithful. However there are far too many posts on this site that debunk that myth.Men and women have the same sexual agenda and we both like variety. Whether or not we act on this is up to the individual and their circumstances.
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A
male
reader, 2old4this + ♥, writes (22 October 2009):
 If a woman cheats on a guy, it most likely is not just for sex but for some kind of emotional connection with the other person and the lack of that from her boyfriend/husband. But, when a guy cheats it is usually just for sex, period. I'm not saying that is always the case, but it usually is. So when we see a woman who has cheated/played around alot society sees her as not the norm and therefor must be damaged in some way. She is labelled a slut. Men when they play around alot are not labelled as such because they are withtin the norm of there behavior. Sex,sex,sex. Again, this is a generalization and I don't like it either. Not all guys are pigs and not all women are angels.:)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): It's called a double standard. Girls are somehow seen as flowers that need to be protected and are expected to act that way. Personally I believe that whether you are a guy or a girl you should try to do things right your whole life. I don't believe just because you are young and in highschool or college that you are allowed to be as stupid and crazy as possible. In my opinion, if there is a guy and a girl who have both played around with too many people to count by the time they are 18, then they are both slutty and need a reality check.
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A
female
reader, katyayni  + ♥, writes (22 October 2009):
 For example... take the title of your question...VENUS VS MARSIf it is a man-woman think then this most tired cliche will have to be used...You see....
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A
female
reader, katyayni + ♥, writes (22 October 2009):
Hmmmmm
Finally a very original question. Well, I think it has nothing to do with gender roles, but rather with the public obsession with labeling people. The crowd isn't satisfied until it has neatly filed the individuals under a certain heading (nevermind it you don't fit in it... it has already slotted you and now you had better risk your sanity trying to fit in).
As for the girls and the guys, well, you see, perhaps there is an expectation that a woman will turn around (since love and emotional fulfillment is perceived to be more important to a woman) but a rake can never settle down (another tired cliche) and that men wouldn't give up sexual escapades for any woman in the world)!
That is indeed sadly biases and that is why you must never listen to the public opinion but stick to your instincts.
IF you are proved right... then you will gloat and also have love in your life... if not, well there won't be a single soul that won't rub your nose in it and say... "I told you so".
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