A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:It's the age old problem... I am deeply and irrevocably in love with a guy who doesn't love me back and I swear its killing me. I was really wondering how I can fall out of love with him, I guess he's like a drug to me so i think i should probably extract myself completely, but that in itself is going to be so hard. He's all I think of, and i know when you see my age you may say it's just a crush, but it really isn't. I hate love now I know how debilitating it can be. Why do we do this to ourselves? Please help!
View related questions:
crush Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2009): Hey,
Im going through the same thing, I am so in love with this guy adn its taking over my entire life. I've never felt so horrid or depressed in my life and sometimes just want to die, all I want is for him to love me. He told me he did a few months ago but I dont think he meant it as now he's being completely indifferent and he has a gf now though me and him have a complicated relationship that started a while back. And he won't leave me alone when I suggest that we don't hang out any more so that I might get over him, he always says Im his best friend and other sweet things to make me change my mind. I wish something could help with this problem too.
A
male
reader, Undisclosed  +, writes (8 May 2009):
 He's not worth your time. He's not. I don't care if you tell me A, B or C and I don't care if he's X, Y or Z. He's not worth your time.You live once. This is your time. It will never come again and you have your love, joy and happiness to find. If he's not going to share that with you, he's wasting your time and every minute longer is a minute too long. You have every reason to smile and the truth is right now, you're not. He's not worth your time.You've got your life to live. It's not with him and you don't care because the tomorrow that you own is worth far more than the today he's stealing from you.Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): Hello. You have a common problem, and it is not just a problem for people your age. I have been in your shoes before, and to be honest, I am still coming out of one experience. I have been just a miserable as you and so have a lot of others. The only way you can get over this guy that you have feelings for is facing the reality that is outside your mind. I know that you think about him all the time. You probably think how good looking he is, his sense of humor, his cleverness and all of these common things. You imagine how wonderful life would be if you were together and what it would look like. But the first thing you must except is that all these ideas are simply in your head. They are not apart of the reality that exists around you.
What often happens is we meet someone who we feel an instant chemistry with, sometimes a very strong chemistry. When we don't get what we want we sometimes rationalize the struggle as part of being in love or a consequence of true love. We tell ourselves that love is hard and worth fighting for so we deserve this sort of torture, BUT YOU DON'T! Part of being in love is going through struggles together, not individually, and sharing trials as well as successes.
So, step one is to recognize that the "love" you feel (and I am not undermining you) is largely attributed to the constant meditation of ideas you have about him and the relationship you would like to have. The second step is to think about who you are individually and what you want from your life. I know you are young but identifying who you are is the first step before you get involved with someone else. The guy you are with should compliment you, not make you feel like you need to change or that you are not enough.
To give you a bit of my own experience. I spent almost 3 years "in love" with a man who sent me mixed messages and treated me indifferently. I convinced myself that he was worth it and that I deserved to be treated as such. Over time my self esteem really suffered and I started to feel like no man would ever want me. But when I separated myself from the ideas I had made about this man and the imaginary life we could have, I realized that we really weren't good for each other at all. I started remembering times he made somewhat rude comments that I choose to ignore. I started thinking about how indifferently he treated me and how casual he was with a lot of other people. I remembered how his somewhat arrogant behavior made me feel less secure about myself. The more I thought about my ACTUAL experience with him, the less attractive he was and I couldn't imagine being with such a person. What I had done was take small fragments of my knowing of him and turn into major characteristics in my mind. The more I thought about it I realized I loved an idea of him and not actually him.
So you need to walk yourself through this rationalization and when you see him or you find yourself thinking about him, you need to repeat the process to remember that you deserve a lot more and one day you will find it!
...............................
|
