A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts and uncles, This could be long and complicated! A few months ago my friend and I realised we had feelings for each other. Over several months we grew closer and then we began seeing each other. Unfortunately at the time we both had partners (please don't give me the cheating speech, I've given it to myself 100 times.) We've since split up with our partners for other reasons and are living together, however, we've agreed not to be a couple due to how we first got together, and the fact that we've both just come out of long term relationships. We essentially act like a couple as we spend most of our time together and are still sleeping together. We even work together. We both have strong feelings for each other, but we've both agreed (and it's what we both want) that we enjoy the flexibility of having no commitment. Now, my ex has moved away to the town we grew up in, leaving me in this strange town where I don't know anyone except for a few people I work with and this guy I'm living with. But he's lived here all his life and his ex just lives down the road. He goes to see her about once a week and still goes out drinking sometimes with her and his other friends. My problem is, his ex doesn't like me at all; she thought we were sleeping together before we'd even realised we had feelings for each other [she thought the same about all his female friends], and she flies into a mood with him everytime he mentions my name. This has led to him lying to her and his friends about things like when I moved in with him, and things that we do together, and talks about our house and things we do and buy as though they're only his. She recently invited him to a gig on Halloween but we'd already made plans to go to the same one, so he made up some excuse about not wanting to go out on Halloween.I tried to talk to him about it before but he just said that it makes no difference to me what he tells his friends, and he lies to them so as to not unnecessarily hurt her feelings. But I feel isolated when he lies about us; we're living as a couple but just not officially, and things have to come out sooner or later. If he feels about me what he says he does, why doesn't he protect my feelings as much as he does hers?It's frustrating that he's the only person I really know here and his social circles are up here but mine aren't, and that we can't do things openly or do anything that might upset her. It's got to stop at some point; he can't make up excuses forever. While I understand why she might be upset, at the end of the day it's none of her business anymore what he does. Any advice? I know it's not really a question, just a situation I guess. Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (26 October 2008):
I think your main problem here is that you feel alone and so you want him to yourself.
Go out and get some friends.
He's ashamed of telling the truth to people because lets face it, he cheated on his ex and he will lose all those friends he has if he comes out and says this.
Get him to agree that you are ok with him changing the dates you got together but you want to go official now. His ex is going to have to deal with it one day so why not today?
Good Luck!! xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): Most likely since he cheated on her with you that later down the road he will do the same to you.I was in the same exact situation and that is what happens.I end up dumping him and going back to my husband.Sometimes the grass is not always greener.
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