A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Three years ago my sister and I had a talk with our mum that has left us not speaking to her since then. She is with a partner who is emotional abusive and I suspect has the capacity to be physically abusive too. There has been instances through the years when he has raised his hands to my sister and tried to sexually assault me as well.We have spoken to our mum about our experiences but she chose him over us every time. The last time we spoke was our final attempt to open her eyes but she chose her relationship with him again over us and now is living with him.The reason I'm asking for advice is I do miss the relationship I had with her before all of this but I can't seem to forgive her or him for all the suffering and betrayal that has occured. Though it is painful both my sister and I, we have found life to be easier without her being in our lives. Do we try to reconnect with her or do we move on? Deep down I don't think anything will change and honestly not sure I can forgive her for not protecting us when we were younger.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2021): Original poster
Thank you WiseOwlE, you've described the situation exactly! He has taken away her confidence and turned her into someone that has no self esteem and it's horrible to see.
She previously started to lie a lot of the time and wouldn't answer my calls previously if she was with him or he would be calling her multiple times to see where and who she was with. In my eyes it is an abusive relationship with his control and I hate him for it.
I've made my opinions very clear to her for years but it doesn't do anything to change her mind. The years before we stopped talking were rocky, with lots of fights between her and him with each time my sister and I getting our hopes up it was the end this time...she always goes back though.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2021): I agree with Honeypie's excellent advice. A letter is a great idea. Provided he doesn't intercept her mail. You can call her, if she takes your calls. Give-up on trying to persuade her to leave him, she's too old and set in her ways. By now, she feels she's too old; and she can't find another man. He has no doubt drilled that into her brain by now.
Love her from a distance. Check on her to be sure she is okay, but keep your distance! She chose him, ignoring he has assaulted you and your sister; so her motherly-instincts are offline for the moment.
Forgive your mother, and pray for her. She felt she needed this man so badly that she had to sacrifice her own daughters. Abusive-men are overpowering, narcissistic, and highly persuasive. They gaslight women emotionally-attached to them; and destroy their self-esteem, until they're submissive and obedient. It's a toxic masochistic kind of relationship.
Your mother is from the old school of thought; that a man should be aggressive and super-macho. He has literally "beaten" her into total submission, both physically and psychologically. I'm not making excuses for her; but what you're describing is pretty much typical of abusive-relationships. Men like that alienate women from their families; so he can have full-control. It's what you might consider a form of Stockholm Syndrome. She can see no evil in him, will defend him, and she's a willing captive.
You run the danger of being enablers; if she thinks you're accepting of him. Make it absolutely certain she knows you detest him, and everything he stands for. You still love her; but make it unmistakably clear...you will always be distant, as long as she wants to keep him! If under any circumstances you should determine she is in danger, you will not hesitate to have him arrested; and you will both be willing witnesses to testify against him, and inform law enforcement of what he did to you in the past! You can tell her that too!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2021): Original poster
Thank you Honeypie for your answer, it has helped reassure we've made the right choice.
I have had counseling in the past though think going back might be an idea as I don't feel it's resolved internally for me.
It has split our family apart including my grandmother as well which leaves me with a feeling of guilt. She is not aware of the full situation and I'd rather she never found out as it would cause her a lot of stress. I think alot of it comes down to me feeling pulled in two directions over the situation and trying to please everyone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2021): Love is NOT unconditional in the sense that we have to put u with absolutely anything from the people we love.I'm sorry your mom has made choices that have hurt you. SERIOUSLY hurt you. She has the right to chose her partners, but you have the right and the obligation to protect yourself. The healthy thing to do was for her to protect herself and her kids.If we lived in the sane world, people like your mom's partner wouldn't exist and parents would be strong and of healthy body AND mind and would have healthy relationships with their kids. But the world we live in is INsane. We have almost zero control over it. The little we have, we should use wisely.There's something wrong with your mom. Otherwise she would have never been able to be with an abusive man. You did well to protect yourself.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (14 May 2021):
 You write:
" Deep down I don't think anything will change and honestly not sure I can forgive her for not protecting us when we were younger."
I think you should find a counselor and figure a way to work through what happened to you.
And I think you need to leave contact off with your mom UNLESS she leaves this guy or he leaves her.
Unfortunately, SHE made her choice. Him.
You and your sister need to make yours and CHOOSE yourselves and each other.
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