A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Found myself with a mutual attraction to a guy at work; he is married with kids. He at one point told me how he felt and being young and stupid, I admitted being attracted to him, mainly for his mind. (Despite what I'm about to relate, he's a pretty smart guy in most other regards.) HOWEVER, I told him nothing was ever going to happen between us because I'm not looking to wreck a marriage and family or earn myself and my reputation a 21st-century "scarlet letter." He's nearly twice my age anyway and should know better, yet here I am being, or at least trying to be, the voice of reason in all this.Basically he keeps trying to get me to sleep with him; I won't do it. Not because I'm not attracted to him, but because I will not help him cheat on his wife. In essence, the choice I'm making is not the choice I'd like to make, or that he would like me to make, but it's the "right" choice and I'm trying to stick to it. I have refused his invitations with increasing adamance, but he's continued to bring it up, and yesterday I finally blew up on him about it. My anger was such that I don't think that subject will be broached again, but I have a feeling the exchange is going to make things awkward between us, and as I said before, I have to work with this guy still (transferring is not an option). I don't consider this harassment, so please no suggestions on that end, but any other advice is appreciated.I guess what I'm asking is how people went about resuming work alongside their ex(es), and what problems arose, if any. This guy isn't my ex but I feel like it's a similar situation?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): Thanks for the advice guys (and gal) :)
I do know his wife's number (he doesn't know I know it) and have e-mails from him saved on my computer. Other people have heard him make remarks to me in the workplace. I know I could prove, to his wife or anyone else, that he's been making these advances, but I don't want to. As I said before I'm not looking to wreck his marriage (although I understand that it probably has problems already if he's feeling the need to look for intimacy with a 20-year-old.)
As far as harassment goes, it's really not an option for me to take that up with my supervisors. Yes, I *could* ... but without saying too much about my career it's not one that's historically been welcoming to women. Things are changing, yes, but if you get a reputation for being a woman that "cries harassment" it's pretty much the end of your career and of people's respect for you in a line of work where "being one of the guys" is about the only way to make it. I've seen this happen before. So it's really not worth it to me to go that route :/
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): I agree with D-M and Mandy7. You have done the right thing so far and have been very kind to not mention harrassment yet. However, if he continues this after you have made it very plain that it is to stop, then you will have to realize that it is actually harrassment. Having been in industry in the US before retiring, I know what a claim of harrassment could do to his carreer, but if he continues to do this then I think that you have to threaten him with a claim. Hopefully, this would finally make him think twice before doing it again so that you will not have to go to anyone about it.
As far as working with him - just act as if nothing had ever happenned. Just try to work with him as you would with any other employee. I never had to work with my ex wife after our divorce, but I did have to work with one woman who I dated. The relationship was a casual one and we jsut stopped dating and worked together as if nothing had happened. She did give me a psssionate kiss at Christmas, but otherwise it was like we had never dated.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008): Hi Hunny
He isnt very smart at all to be pressuring you when you have stated more than once NO! So you gave him a peice of your mind eh! good on you...If this were me the first attraction would have gone straight out the window with his bighead..That would have been a real turn off, Ok so you said you found him attractive, There is always the inside of a person and when they push that boundary can you not see the ugly inner self the fact that he must have done this before to his wife on more than one occation and you would just be another notch on his bed post would have made me look deeper hunny...Go into work with a smile if he says anything to you ignore him. Carry on with your work you may not be wanting to say this is harrasment but you have clearly stated your veiws and if he carrys on then it is, Dont give him another peice of your time he really is not worth it love..AND STICK TO YOUR BELIEFS WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, D-M  +, writes (3 May 2008):
If this guy has the balls to ask you to sleep with him, my question is what else can he get up to? He is not thinking about his wife, hence, he is not thinking about you either. If you err.. -do him, it could and probably would come back to bite you -ie. claims could me made that defame yourself and possibly (worst case) lose your job...
It is good that you have 'blew up', cause that means you have set a boundary, and are serious. You shouldn't feel awkward or ashamed or anything else on your side as you have done nothing wrong. My only concern is that he could get 'dirty', and keep manipulating you or someting like that (he knows that he is hot). Hence, let him know that you know (if you can find it out or call a bluff) his wifes number and you would like to know what she thinks... (if he tries again). And/Or get a boyfriend that takes your mind off him.
If you do sleep with him... you will probably be just another 'goal attained'. Good luck and stick to your guns!
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