A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been with my partner for 6 and a half years and 9 months ago we had our first child. Since our little boy has arrived we’ve argued more than we have in the 6.5 years we’ve been together. I knew it would be hard and challenging but I didn’t realise it would be this bad. My partner has a short fuse so when the baby is crying for a long period of time or he can’t settle him, the baby won’t sleep etc then he loses his temper and lashes out ( not at the baby!! he just leaves the room and punches walls, throws things, swears etc) but since having our son I’ve realised how angry he can be and it really scares me. Whenever I try to ask him to calm down, stop doing this whilst our child is upset because it will only make him worse, it just causes more arguments between us. I feel like I can’t talk to him anymore about anything. We haven’t had a date night in over a year and whenever I suggest it he just says we can’t afford it this month. I’ve been feeling really low and fed up for quite a while now but whenever I mention it he doesn’t seem to take me seriously. I don’t have much family so I worry that if we did break up then I’d have no where to go - I can’t afford my own place as well as nursery fees on just a part time wage. Any help or advice on what we should do.Thank you in advance everyone!
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (19 March 2020):
 Maybe a thing to consider is telling your partner that YOU rather he goes and takes a walk or a drive when the noise level gets too high.
My oldest had colic and it was like clockwork. 5 pm EVERY day. Nothing I did would soothe her, I would start stressing at 4ish knowing that my husband wouldn't be home until 5:30-6:00, because He could calm her when I couldn't. I think mostly because she felt my stress. I didn't scream or yell or punch things, I would just sit and rock her and cry my ass off as quietly as I could until hubby got home and took over.
He would then send me to the store for something - Anything really. So I could get some peace and come back calm. And it worked. She didn't outgrow the colic until close to 19 months. I think it was the LONGEST 19 months in my life. Or so it felt. She is now tuning 20 soon, and a quiet and calm person. Ironically.
You NEED to tell him that HE needs to find other ways to deal with his frustration. This is not healthy for ANY of you.
Him feeling useless or helpless doesn't excuse his behavior. He NEEDS to know it's unacceptable.
Colic will pass, but will his inability to deal with stress and frustration by punching things?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2020): Me thinketh the man protest too much ‘
Sounds like someone may be realising he has in fact been abusing and is grappling desperately to justify !!!!
I think the best thing any of the logical women here can do here is not leave any more post and let him continue being the lone voice telling to the wind and protesting that aggression and punching and scaring women and babies is ok and not abusive . Perhaps it will eventually dawn on him that it’s abuse . This may take days months , years or never But really, this is the whole problem , isn’t it , men like this SIMPLY DONT GET IT and it’s not women’s job to educate them
The only way we take away the power of abusive men is to to walk away and stop listening to their justifications
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2020): I also have spent many years in therapy from an ex who used hitting walls as a way to intimidate me and my children . Did he ever hit me , no? But I jumped every time I heard a loud noise , every time someone would raise their voice my adrenaline would start pumping . It took me lots of therapy to realise that my response of adrenaline was a completely normal reaction of flight or fright when a much larger and physically stronger person exhibits agreesion especially when you are much weaker and more vulnerable . This display of aggression triggers a response in those nearby whether the aggression. Is directed at them or a wall .
Just like if huge man started screaming and punching a wall near a man in a public place whilst he was holding a baby he would certainly begin producing adrenalin in readiness to defend himself and his child It wouldnt matter to that man whether this man was never going to hit him or not !!!!! The human body prepares . This repeated stress response is extremely stressful on a person especially when repeated time after time . And before the man defending here says ‘ but I wouldn’t know that man and she knows her partner would never hurts here ‘ here is the problem with that ! I knew my partner too. For eight years ..... for eight years minus one day ALL he did was punch walls. He was that guy just like you describe , the guy who would ONLY ever hit a wall . Like so many other men , that was until the day he hit ME ! There a literally millions of other women like me . Women who believe that their men would. Never hit them and would only ever hit a wall , never hit them . For some it is true , for some it is true for years , until they hit them or them and their children and sadly for some it is true until the day they lash out and kill them ! Yes wome. Are killed by partners OFTEN . Do t believe me , look up the stats
It’s kinda irresponsible to tell a woman she should just trust he won’t hit her because you never would have . This guy is exhibiting aggression. , he’s shouting now reap t and there’s a reason many women here are speaking up against this and disagreeing with your line view vehemently .
Please OP find support from someone who understand someone who understand abuse It took a long time for me to become the relaxed and happy person I was before but life is so much better now .
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (17 March 2020):
 I have PTSD from a dad who dealt with anger like this. I’ve been to therapists and they all defined it as abuse because it was terrifying to be around. It is abusive behaviour unless you’re perfectly comfortable with explosive anger in the house. If you’re that type of person, which is up to you, it can be hard to grasp how scary it can be for someone else living with you - even if you know you wouldn’t hurt them and they don’t think you would. It wears you down until you’re frequently waiting for the explosion.
Now, maybe the OP is fine with it, but this post suggests she isn’t - whether she thinks it’s abusive or not. It also isn’t a great environment for a baby. That doesn’t mean he can’t be a great dad, just that he needs anger management because this behaviour is usually terrifying to toddlers and children - whether the parents involved find it scary or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2020): I’ve worked with victims of domestic violence and have trained in what domestic abuse is . Men who have committed these types of acts can justify the all they like and tell women how the ‘should feel ‘ and how they should perceive this behaviour but at the end of the day it’s still abuse and classified as such
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (17 March 2020):
If someone’s explosive anger scares you, it can be emotionally abusive. If you’re both volatile, then that’s up to you and it’s how you both deal with it. I’m mid-psychology degree and have seen the damage this behaviour does. Abuse isn’t always intentional and it certainly isn’t always physical.
OP, if he gets anger management, you can probably salvage this. Someone punching walls and throwing things can be terrifying if you’re not that kind of person, especially for children, as you’re baby becomes aware of it in the next year or so. He’s an adult and a father, so he needs to learn how to control his anger. Please seek advice from Citizens Advice Bureau.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2020): This lady is SCARED of her partner!! She says so in her post and she also says that he has a short fuse.
As I have said before, granted, anger can take the form of punching a wall and it's not abusive (though selfish and unthoughtful), but if everything else is ok, then, no, that in itself is not abuse. I think we'd all agree on that.
BUT when a poster says she is SCARED of her partner, then please don't suggest that that is 'watered down abuse.'
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2020): Me. Really have no idea about how incredibly difficult pregnancy childbirth and being a new mother is . I wouldn’t be worried about anyone trying to defend your partner as your partner is NOT the priority her . YOUR baby and you are the priority!!!!!! Number one is the baby who you should both be focussed on And number two is you who is recovering and the primary caregiver His job as a father is to support you . Not create problems Ignore immature people who seem to think the focus should be on defending inexcusable behaviour and focus and you and bub
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2020): Anger is not the correct reaction It produces fear.It produces fear in the mother that transmits to the baby.Therefore it perpetuates the problem.It's not my business to discuss other people's anger issues but some people are surprised when they discover that their behaviour is not the norm.II am amazed that either one or two parents could bash the walls in anger or frustration when a baby cries.It is natural for a baby to cry.It is primary communication and usually indicates a need the baby has that a discerning adult could discover and sort out e.g. damp nappy, teething pains, painful nappy rash, teething, broken bones or underlying undiagnosed conditions.If your baby had a bad migraine because he had a difficult birth and his neck vertebrates were very slightly misaligned he/she could have a permanent headache that no amount of soothing words, cradling motions,etc could change.The baby would still cry.That's why a trip to the doctor is essential so that the doctor can determine if there are any underlying causes such as illness, fragile bones, misalignments, earaches etc.It would come as no surprise to the doctor to be asked to check the baby over for any unexpected causes.This is caring for a child responsibly.There are also other issues such as: is the child allergic to any new foods or formula?Do new smells such as perfume or oils agree with the child and so on.A problem shared is a problem halved but bashing walls while your partner pleads with you not to is definitely not acceptable.It's wrong to assert that it is normal to a young mum.This mum would benefit from seeing a doctor and taking the child with her.She does not have to conceal her partner's behaviour, nor do we have to issue an agreement that bashing or hitting the walls is normal when it's not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2020): Having a baby is a very important time and you need to talk to your doctor first about the child and about your partner's reaction.The doctor may suggest parenting classes for you both.However, for myself, I would ask for a social worker as the idea of a parent pounding walls in anger is intolerable.You need calm and peace and quiet.Babies do get colic and you get gripe water to soothe them but anger is never a solution.I am worried for you here.Is your partner finding he needs to bash the walls because the baby won't stop crying?That sure as hell won't stop a baby crying.A young baby also picks up on tension and sometimes the answer is to create a calmer atmosphere by moving away from the source of tension.You need to be a happily functioning individual to successfully raise a child from babyhood onwards.There is no part in any childcare manual that suggests you batter the walls in anger or frustration.That is all wrong.So get some help as this whole situation is decidedly out of hand.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2020): Abuse can take many forms . It doesn’t have to be hands on . It can be scaring , yelling , using aggressive or frightening behaviour around ones partner . Showing the partner ‘what one is capable of ‘ or asserting ones physical strength ‘ . Sure , it may be very easy for a man to think of hitting a wall as just letting odd some steam. But for women who live in a world where domestic violence is common , where the majority of women killed are killed by intimate partners ( and yes , before someone pipes up and says the majority of murder victims are men , please note that is it men who are killing these men ) the fact is women go through life being the physical ally weaker gender the vast majority of the time and men behaving like this are showing a gross dire hard for how their actions affect their partner or how it might frighten or what message it sends . A man does not have to hit a woman to be abusive , this is a form of intimidation and control . Letting his mood and anger become the focus , rather than the babies needs and the mothers needs ( who is recovering from pregnancy and birth ) It’s not your responsibility to heal this man or mature him . Your responsibility is to your child and your safety and health , both physically and emotionally . Is there a shelter or dr nearby you can ask for help
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (15 March 2020):
Abuse can be emotional, it isn’t just the threat of physical violence.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2020): There wasn't an accusation that this man is an abuser, there was the suggestion that he might be.
This is exactly what abusive men do around women. It's exactly what my abusive ex did around me. And yes he might JUST be angry, but it is an inexcusable way to behave when two adults are trying to deal with a difficult situation and the woman ends up having to deal with TWO issues brought about by this man's behaviour.
And abuse does not just constitute physical abuse, does it??
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2020): Already two males have adviced you on baby care so I will be the third. My wife and I shared the growing of three kids and admittedly she had to bear the the major part of taking care of them. We had the same problems with the first child as you are having now as we had no previous experience with baby care. However from my experience here are a few tips that might help. One. Make sure that his nappies are dry at all times so it doesnt burn his behind. That is one major cause of baby crying. Two. Make sure he is fed every two hours and after feed hold him to your chest and stroke his back to releave any gases he has. Three. Rock him to sleep. I dont know if you have rocking beds in the UK but if not then carry him in your arms and pace the room till he sleeps. My wife and I had devided the duties between us. My part was carrying the baby and pacing the hallway after she was fed till she would fall asleep. It was really arduous task as she would take hours to sleep. A rocking bed would do away with the pacing and releave you immensly which we did with our other children. so get him a rocking bed. Finally You just have to be patient and bear it for now as the first year of a child care is always the most difficult. After the first year things become gradually easier and sleep becomes more regular when he can be distracted with toys. I assume your husbands job is stressful and he needs his nights sleep to be able to work the next day which causes his bursts of anger. If you are a stay at home mum you should program your sleeping hours with that of the babys so that you sleep when he sleeps. I hope these tips help. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2020): Nothing is worse for a MOTHER than a baby with colic . I can’t even believe a father would be so selfish as to punch walls and carry on like a huge baby . As a woman who’s had four children I hind that behaviour beyond disgusting . I mean here you are having carried and birthed a child and You now have to deal with ancolicky baby . ALL he has hash to deal with is a fraction and a very tiny fraction of what you have had to deal with at that and he has the audacity to complain about the stress of the baby not settling Has he had to mange the hormonal changes , the body changes , the waking to feed. 5)3 perky boobs and other body parts . Nooooo , let’s see , he gets to just walk out when the baby is colicky ..... ohhhh qnd cause you EVEN more stress by punching some walls on the way . Letters like yours really highlight to me the utter selfishness of some men . Is there somewhere you can go to stay with your son . A calm nurturing environment ? Like a new mother deserves . You are not his counseller . He is not a teenager . He needs to grow the hell up . There are men who could be better supports to you and who would not behave like this . I’m not suggesting yoh need to go look for someone else but I am suggesting that you don’t need to be around someone who behaves like this and can’t control himself and consider your needs or your sons . He shows no respect t for what you have been through and are going through
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2020): I often take note of how many times we're asked the same question or posted about the same topic over and over by different people concerned about their relationships. Often these posters have the same situation in-common.
You're a very young mother, and too young to have a lot of experience with the ways of men, or childcare. I will lecture like you were my daughter; and will give you the benefit of wisdom and experience. I hope to benefit other readers.
If you talk to older-women, they'll give you advice on gassy or colicky babies. Certain formulas cause stomach discomfort and excessive gas. If you breastfeed, you have to watch your diet! You may need to speak to your pediatrician; if the child seems to cry almost excessively. Also consider if your place is too hot, or too cold. The child will want the warmth of a cuddle and the only way they know to get it, is to cry! If too hot, you may be bundling the baby in too many blankets or too much clothing.
New parents in-particular don't get much sleep the first few months a new-baby enters their lives. They often have medical-expenses for prenatal and postnatal-care for their new-baby; and they have to pay out of pocket whatever medical costs aren't covered by their healthcare-plans. There is essentially another mouth to feed. Often that means taking-on an extra job. One income may be temporarily lost; because one parent has to be home with the baby, until the child reaches a certain age. Hence, finances cause a great deal of tension, stress, and concern.
Another thing I've noticed that these posters have in-common, are younger-people who start families who aren't married. Still kids themselves! Incidental or unplanned-pregnancies causes a strain on their youthful-relationship; usually when one of the couple was not honest about how they felt about having children. Sometimes the reality of parenthood isn't as fun or easy as the idea! It looks easy until you actually have to do it!
Sometimes there is the innocent (maybe calculated) but misguided-notion that a pregnancy might cement an otherwise shaky relationship; when the girlfriend feels insecure about the strength of the bond between the couple in their relationship. The baby is a surprise sprung on her boyfriend; after he explicitly told her he didn't want children. If you don't use condoms, or haven't had a vasectomy; you're leaving it to chance, dude! She figured once it happened he would be forced to change his mind. It doesn't workout as planned. Though he may love his child; he will resent her for bypassing his choice of when he was ready to become a father. He will love the child, and reject her to prove a point. He made you pregnant, he is responsible for the child...like it or not!
I'm not saying this is what you've done. I am suggesting that you cannot manipulate or force a person into a commitment or parenthood using coercion or schemes. That's the worst thing you could ever do! That is, using a child as a pawn; or a means to an end. Ultimately, you hurt the child. They grow-up to learn they were unexpectedly-conceived, how each parent felt about it, and they don't always understand. They don't have the benefit set by example; where both parents co-parent and raise them under the same roof. It's an ideal concept, but often not the reality. Women have to be both mothers and fathers; while men have become merely sperm-donors! Too often it seems, parents must separate; the children left with their mothers. Dad is gone! His presence, his love, and the security he adds to the family-unit is missed in so many households!
In this case it seems fatigue and finances are your primary issues to overcome. Young-parents suddenly become aware that there is now a little-life depending on them; when they have very little life-experience themselves. Money is scarce! Nobody gets a good-night's sleep! Those disgusting diapers!!!
Parenthood is a huge and profound responsibility. People committed by marriage have made vows to take-on whatever comes their way, while committing for life; at least that is the meaning of the institution. Non-married couples trying to mimic a marriage will learn that the law and rules that apply to marriage don't apply to boyfriends and girlfriends. Men get spooked at the thought that now she has a kid to track me down if things don't workout! Now I'm stuck with this woman and a kid! His options are now to be a father, or not to be a father; whether he remains with her or not. She remains in his life, even if he doesn't want her there. You can have a long-term relationship, form a faux-marriage, buy a house and have kids; but in a man's mind, he knows the difference between a husband and a boyfriend. He always will. Husbands can't just pack his bags and leave; the law and society will severely penalize him for abandoning his family if he did. Boyfriends have nothing to hold them back, child-support is all that can be expected of him. He doesn't have to divide his assets or property. It becomes a legal-battle to lay claim to any inheritance from his estate upon his death. He can leave it all to only the children he recognizes as his legitimate-family in a marriage to somebody else.
You can save your relationship by keeping him away from the child when he is behaving badly. Let him remove himself until he calms-down. He needs to see his doctor, get more rest, abstain from drinking or smoking; and if necessary, get anger-management counseling.
Hitting walls and flying into rages have nothing to do with the baby. That's a totally unrelated-issue that was there that you're taking notice of now; because you're concerned about the relationship. He was always quick-tempered. Maybe it's more apparent now that he gets less sleep, and he is probably working more hours than he ever has. He also sees the bills piling-up, and he is feeling trapped and in over his head. He needs to speak to an older-man. Maybe a clergyman of his faith; if he doesn't have a dad he can turn to. These days, most men are raised by single-mothers; and have no clue what fathering is, past impregnating a female. He needs an older-guy to talk some sense into him. He's scaring you and the baby, and acting like a jackass!
If you can spend a few days with your parents, just to get things into some perspective; I recommend that you do so. You both need to calmly talk, and get your finances in order. He needs to be counseled regarding his tantrums and behavior; possibly professionally, if he has no male role-models or mentors to turn to. Usually a dad or grandfather is all it takes; but more and more these days, guys need to turn to therapy, because nobody ever taught them how to be a man. It's more to it than just being masculine, having base in your voice, and being able to get a female pregnant. If you aren't man enough to marry and commit to the woman who bears your children; you're not man enough to be a father. You can argue, lots of men never married the women, or divorced the women who had their children; and they are great fathers. Yes, and that's what perpetuates the absentee-father syndrome we are all facing now. Who does a new-dad turn to for advice and support? Moms are women, not men!
If you can get your father to help, or if he is close to his own dad; maybe either of them will talk a little sense to him or help give him some guidance. If you really feel scared, I think you should get out of that environment for your own safety and peace of mind. Just because he hasn't hit you yet, doesn't mean he won't. Just the fact he can't handle his temper when the child cries says he is capable of doing the unpredictable!
He'll come-around once all of this sinks-in. It's overwhelming and he has to bond with the baby; so he doesn't see it as just an added expense and a noisy little sleep-killer. It's his pride and joy, his mini-me, and a loving addition to your little family.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (14 March 2020):
Speak to Citizens Advice Bureau and ask your partner to get therapy for his anger management. If he won’t, you’ll end up in an abusive situation, if you aren’t already. It seems he isn’t prepared for what being a parent entails and that’s a concern.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2020): HiHave you ever felt that your partner is abusive? Do you feel as if you never know who you're going to get, Mr Nice or Mr Nasty? Listen. There is a pattern that abusive men follow and that is that they don't show their true colours until they've 'got you'. For example when you move in together/get engaged/get married/ or have your first child. So, when I read 'he was fine until....' alarm bells ring.The behaviour that he is exhibiting by being violent towards inanimate objects is intended to intimidate you and make you subservient. It sends the covert message 'look what I can/will do if I'm provoked', so you try to make sure he is always happy. Mission accomplished for him. Part one anyway. If I'm right he wont stop there. And the fact that you have nowhere to go adds to my suspicions. Abusive men aim to have a 'captive' female. And it sounds as if you fit this criteria.You may say, 'but he's been great, until...' but make no mistake, abusive men will wait YEARS until the time is right to start the abuse. Although as you say your partner has a short fuse I suspect you have been living with this kind of behaviour for some time. There is a book I read which helped me understand what was happening to me and I recommend it to people who post to this site asking for help in situations like yours. I have read extensively about abuse and can spot abusive behaviours/tactics a mile away. It's called, 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft who worked with abusive men one to one for fifteen years and he came to learn all their tactics and how manipulative and sneaky they can be/are. I highly recommend you read this book to understand whether you are with an abusive man, but I would bet my bottom dollar that you are. You see, if you were with a loving, kind man who loved you and your child he would NOT be behaving in this way. We can all face frustrations in life, finds things challenging, but we don't all go punching holes in walls etc. He KNOWS how he's making you feel (and your baby probably) and he is doing it on purpose. It is his INTENTION to make you feel scared etc this is why going to counselling with abusive men is pointless and actually downright dangerous because you allow them, during counselling, to know what your fears and feelings are and then the abusive partner plays with this knowledge later on. Neither are anger management classes appropriate because abusive men ARE NOT ANGRY. They are pretending in order to frighten you and therefore control you. Abuse is NOT about anger, it is about control.My last abusive partner once had his hands around my neck and his face was right in mine, contorted with 'anger', veins swelling in his neck and his temple, eyes bulging, the works. He wasn't angry, he was pretending. He wanted to scare me, which he did, obviously. I was terrified. BUT seconds after he let me go, he was laughing at my terrified face and asking, 'What's the matter with you?' in a taunting voice. I believe that if you read this book (don't let him see it btw) that you will recognise other things that he does, that you have maybe explained away.He is responsible for this child too, so if you do manage to leave him, he has to pay child maintenance. If I'm right and he is abusive, you will probably find it difficult to extract this from him, unless he likes to keep a 'wonderful guy' persona for the rest of the world to see. Whatever family you have I would ask them for whatever help they can give.Good luck and acquaint yourself with abusive behaviour before you attempt to leave so that you can do so safely. Good luck x
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