A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met my fiancé when i was 18 years old.He is the only man i have known.We dated for 2 years but then he got a scholarship to go to america for his post grad.For five years we have been in along distance relationship.He has been coming home each year and we speak on phone and mail frequently.He lost his job in November of 2008 and being a foreigner work was not easy to come by.He told me he had moved to a small house and was living off savings.I trusted him.In April of this year,i called him on the number that he would call me on and a woman answered the call.She introduced herself as my fiance's friend.When i asked him he told me that she was her landlady and that was her phone.Towards the end of april i got a voicemail on my cell from the same woman claiming that she was pregnant with my fiance's child!He later confirmed and said he had been living in this womans house since he lost his job and that he had been put in a compromising situation but regretted everything.I decided to take some time off but he kept telling me he was sorry and he loved me.He got a job in CA recently and has invited me go live with him and start a family.I forgave him but because the child is now born,am not at peace.This child is going to be a consant remainder of what he did.what should i do?I still love him but undecided.Help..
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male
reader, Candleman  +, writes (20 September 2009):
 You need to go see a therapist both alone and as a couple. What you are dealing with are very strong emotions that involve infedelity (like I need to say that one right.) You face a harder path because you will have the child as a constant reminder, but it does not mean that it is impossible to overcome these emotions. You need to process every emotion that exist regarding this issue and develop stategies on how to handle this constant reminder as well as all the other emotions that are there. You have to understand that it is not fair to the child to be deprived his father no matter the circumstance. You also have to understand that it is not the child's fault when you are around the child. If you can not afford a therapist, or in addition to a therapist, there are many books in regards to this issue. Go to one of the big book store chains where you can get a cup of coffee and read through the books to find one that is making sense to you. You can also go to the library and get books for free. Keep searching the internet and find people going through similar emotions. You are not even close to being alone in dealing with these issues. Understand that many people are able to successfully overcome these emotions. I've read stats that say 50% of these types of realionships do work out and in many cases the marriage/relationship becomes better. But it takes work and a plan. Best Wishes
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): Oh my gosh I could have written that question myself - exactly the same thing has happened to me! Trouble is the guy I was involved with feels the need to take on his responsibility. Im as confused as you so not sure I can offer you much good advice but what I will say is that I think you need as much info about this situation as possible to make your decision.
Why did he get involved with this women? Was it a relationship or a one off? Does he want to be involved with the child and most importantly is it really him that doesnt want to be with her or vice versa? Its going to be difficult to believe anything he says so try to ask others...do you have friends in common? It might be a impossible but could you ask her some questions?
I think a lot of people will tell you to walk away but really comes down to how much you love him and how much you are willing to forgive. One thing you can be sure of is that your emotions are all over the place right now so take a LOT of time to think about it. You are young so there is no rush and if he is truly sorry he will wait as long as it takes.
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