A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I've been out with this guy a couple of times. The other night we went back to his place and started hooking up. He pulled out a condom, and I said no, I'm not ready to have sex. He said he understood, and we just went back to fooling around. All of the sudden, while I was turned away from him, he started having sex with me. I didn't know what to do. The thing is, after that (same night) we hooked up again. I don't know how I feel about any of this. I am so confused, and so stupid. I know I feel v. disrespected, and I need to have a conversation with him about this...but what do I even say?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): Well, it is really your choice. If you feel uncomfortable with him, and with what happened, then maybe it would be a good idea to stay away from him.
But if you would still like to see him, then yes, explain to him that you wasn't happy about what happened. That way he'll know what is bothering you.
But I'm just concerned that it might not be a one-off event. What if at some later date, you say no to something else, and he ignores you again and does what he wants? It's a bit worrying.
I'm not trying to tell you what to do though, and I hope it isn't coming across that way. (If it is, I'm saying this all wrong!) It's up to you, so do what feels right for you. Good luck. xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey,
So all these people are saying it was rape, I don't think I agree with that. I did, later that night, consent to having sex w/ him. That first time, I was just kind of shocked, and after that I felt that well, damage is done. Its not that I would never have had sex with him, I just would have preferred we waited until we hung out a few more times, because I don't know him all that well. That's the thing, I don't really sleep around alot, and wasn't sure at that time whether I was going to. But then I figured, after it happened, the decision was made.
I think maybe you guys are right tho, and I shouldn't see him again. I still wonder if I should say something to him, because I think he may not know that anything is wrong, since I did sleep with him later, he might think, pretty justifiably, that I was ok with everything that happened that night. I just kind of think that should let him know that it wasn't ok, but maybe I should just let it go and cut off contact and leave it at that?
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (25 May 2009):
 I think you made your intentions very clear when he wiped out the condom and then he still intended having sex no matter what you said, he was full of lust and just wouldn't take NO for an answer.
You say you hooked up again after that first night, was it full sex again or not?
I think you need to make it clear what you want out of this relationship as it seems to me that if he gets heated up he cannot cool down so to speak. Don't play with fire if you don't want it to go any further in my opinion.
If he is forcing himself on you and you don't want it then you don't put yourself in a similar situation again. I am not sure whether this is unconsenting sex i.e. rape or not as I am a little unclear on the whole aspect of whether you enjoyed what happened or not.
If you didn't the first time then you wouldn't put yourself back in a similar situation the second time.
I think you need to let him know whether you like it or not. If the answer is NO then don't leave yourself alone with this guy and end it with him now.
If yes, then you need to set some ground rules with him and let him know if he oversteps the mark then it will NEVER happen again between you both.
You have a say in what happens but you need to set out what you WILL and WILL NOT accept here.
Keep us posted OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): Honey, that's rape. You said you weren't ready and then without your consent did it. You said you feel v.disrepsected is another sign it wasn't consented. Why you 'hooked up' with him after that is beyond me.
Leave him-he didn't respect you and you deserve a lot more than him using you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): If I was in your position, I wouldn't say anything to him. In fact, I would stay the hell away from him. He sounds like a monster. Sure, you were fooling around, but you very clearly told him NO SEX. He didn't listen to you.
I'm even thinking going to the police might be in order here. I don't know if this would be considered as rape or not, but I still think you should tell someone about it.
And please get support if you feel bad about this, it must be awful for you, and I am so sorry this has happened to you. Take care, and I'll be thinking of you. x
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