| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and just recently I've seen a side to him that I've never seen before. We had been out drinking and something made him mad. He wanted me to go home because he was going to his house. I didn't want to go and he hit me. My family already hates him and this just makes it worse. I know that he is a really good person and it wasn't like him to do that. We are completely in love with each other and I've realized that even though this happened I still want to be with him. Am I wrong in thinking this way? I know it was wrong of him to do that, but I don't think its worth giving up on our relationship. Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): I have been in a very strong relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years. About a year ago, during an argument, he shoved me, and I fell. There wasn't much to it physically, but the emotional repercussions were damaging. I was shocked, angry, and saddened. He had never shown me violent behavior in the past, and I was baffled. I felt like I NEEDED to leave him for such a display of anger, and I felt stupid and pathetic for NOT wanting to break up with him.
He, of course, apologized profusely and frequently for a very long span of time. He promised it was only a one-time occurrence. Nothing like it has happened since.
Following the incident, when I was determining the best course of action, I realized that I had hit HIM more than one time when arguing, but he had never retaliated during those times. I had slapped him across the face twice over the course of our relationship. I should point out that we are NOT violent people.
My point here is that emotions can often lead people to
behave abnormally due to adrenaline rushes and chemical/hormonal surges in the brain during aggressive/intense arguments. This does NOT determine a person's normal behavior, and sometimes, it does not even define their behavior patterns during fights.
If you EVER feel threatened by him again, leave him without hesitation, but if you feel as though this was a once-only lapse, allow him a second chance. Everyone needs one second chance. But don't make your decision without first considering both your personal feelings and his past behavior. Physically hurting your significant other once, after five years, is a mistake that can be forgiven over time, but if it ever happens again, it evolves into abuse, in which case you shouldn't even consider staying with him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): I do not believe in once a hitter always a hitter. You have to judge everyone on an individual bases. Does he give you any other reason to believe he will do it again? This should be based on his actions not his words. But words do count is he verbally abusive? Overall, how does he treat you? Do you have mutual respect?
My boyfriend of four years whipped a blanket at me in the middle of an argument as I was walking away from him. doesn’t sound that bad , but it was. Some how it hit me in the face and my nose started bleeding. He panicked and tried to console me and I began hitting him as hard as I could. It was ugly, loud, disgusting and embarrassing. After considering our whole relationship, analyzing everything he had ever said and done in our entire relationship I forgave him (I also made him suffer). I forgave him because he had never done anything remotely close to that ever before. He barely raises his voice in an argument and doesn’t curse either. He is a gentleman and is very tender and caring. We have now been together for six years. And are planning our wedding
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): My boyfriend slammed my head off of my own car door from the inside, twice. He apologized. I forgave him. He hit me again months later, and slapped me upside my head really hard and that hurt. I was so mad I cried and he gave me his apologies and I accepted, but told him it better not happen again. Months later, he hit me. This time gave me a bloody nose, He didnt punch me, he just hit me THAT HARD. That was the final straw. I left him. He cried and begged for me back, told me how much he loved me and how much he was sorry, but i still did not take him back. Once a hitter, ALWAYS a hitter. I can see forgiving him after the first hit, because everyone deserves a second chance, but the second and third hit, GET OUT because you could end up dead.
...............................
A
male
reader, WizardOfWaz  + ♥, writes (16 April 2008):
 I think it is a wise decision to give some one a second chance after one mistake. Even our legal system is a little more lenient with first time offenders.
So you're right to ignore the knee-jerk hysterics of those predicting impending doom for your relationship and call it exactly as you see it on this occassion.
I'm sure you will both put this unpleasant epsisode behind you and that your relationship will emerge all the stronger for it.
Best of luck to you both.
Regards
Waz
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2008): I know it's hard to face the facts after experiencing abuse on any level. Abuse is wrong and no one deserves to be hit for any reason. If it happened once it will happen again and it will get worse. The continum of violence ends in death. With help counseling and anger management it is possible to recover from abuse. You both have to want it though.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): i was with a guy for 6yrs a big guy 6ft 7 20stone my gentle giant until he punched me ouch ouch i lost two teeth broken nose and my pride in hospital my dad aged 74 visited me and cried for his little girl wishing he was 30 and could hurt that man back i missed my ex so bad even though he had done that now 2yrs later i realize you do not punch people you love
HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU TRUST ME X
take care x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): yes you need to leave him ASAP.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): Sometimes I really wonder about the complexities of the human condition. People will just keep pushing the boundaries little by little to see what they can get away with. If you want to stay with someone who hits you, you are simply sanctioning that type of behaviour, don't be surprised if it happens again but hell we all want to do the opposite of what 'authority' tells us what we should do be that parents or otherwise no matter how sensible it seems. So I guess that in the final analysis you make your bed and you have to lie in it. How any man can hit a woman - unless it is in self-defence to restrain her, is beyond most civilised peoples ken.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): I can very much relate to all of you. My boyfriend and I were together for 4 years. He hit me once before when he was drunk and I hit back because it was self defense. It was fine for nearly 2 years until he hit me again. This time it was because he wanted to break up and I did not want to. So, he hit me a few times - grabbed my wrist and tried to hurt my cat. I bitch slapped him and then he nearly pushed me down a flight of stairs. Needless to say, we are no longer together. My advice - once a hitter, always a hitter. Get out, while you still can.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2008): hi
even i,ve been in a relationship for 5 years and my guy and i luv each other but he,s hit me maby times too. i hit him back. i can't say he'l never do it again but if he does it i jus give it back to him. if this is somethin u want too then stay with him or else just get out of it now. it will never stop.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): My own situation is eerily similar to this one. I mean, the five-year relationship, no prior history of violence against me, (though he has had an assault and battery charge and was jailed for it before), but never in my wildest dreams would I have seen this coming. Also, my boyfriend had been drinking... a LOT more than he ever had before, and I'm just not going to give him a second chance. I have never felt so violated and degraded by the person that is supposed to love me "more than anything, more than life itself..." as he used to put it. But I just can't tolerate the fact that it happened. You think you know someone... then THEY START DRINKING A LOT, hitting, etc. My face is still a bit swollen, my trust is entirely gone, and he keeps calling and writing to say that he is SO SORRY, it was a big mistake, etc., but I think my heart is now closed to him forever.
It KILLS me to give up on five years, too, but I AM THE MOST VALUABLE PERSON I KNOW, and YOU are your own most valuable possession in this world, you only have one body, and you better have control over it, before someone else does, and you have no self-respect or dignity.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): I read your message, I read the reply that was offered to you on Nov.15th also. She is right. Sometimes our hearts want to believe so much in the love we share and our minds get wrapped around the time we have invested in it. The fact remains is that true stats say it will happen again. It did to me. I married a man whom I truly loved. After a long period of time his anger turned on me. I did decide to leave him but secretly I still saw him for over a year. Then, one day it happened again. Thus, I wonder just how much sooner he would have been abusive to me if I had let him back into the home. Now, I have a beautiful 15 year daughter. She is awesome. She came to me last week telling me her boyfriend grabbed her by the throat. She is wanting to get back with him. That is how I wound up here! Dear God, if it happens once, the chances are astronomical that it will happen again. Leave him. LOL
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): I am replying to you because I was in your situation. My boyfriend was and is a wonderful man--attractive, compassionate, and he loved me. We worked on human rights campaigns together. One day we went to the park together to play some sports with his friends. On the way home he wanted to drop his friend off, but I was late. I finally agreed. We dropped his friend off. I was annoyed that was late and brooded a bit in the front seat. He noticed I was I annoyed and I confirmed. He said, "you have no control over your emotions" I retorted with a biting remark, and with his right hand he made a fist and punched me in the face. I was shocked. When he pulled into my drive way I ran into my apartment. I had know him for two years. I loved him. I got an ice pack and was off to my appointment, but he was sitting on my steps in tears. He held the ice pack on my face shocked at what he had done to me. I let him apologize. I felt if I told anyone they wouldn't understand. They would decide my boyfriend was a violent asshole. Three months later we had another minor argument, but this time he punched me in the stomach. I was bleeding internally and nearly died. This sweet man is now in jail, and I wake up with night mares. I deeply regret not breaking up with him the first time he hit me, or at least not going to therapy with him, or something. When you love someone, sometimes you miss the signs that tell you they are dangerous. The movies make violent people out to be evil. The scary thing is that a sweet, nice, charming man who really loves you can hurt you. My sweet, nice, charming man almost killed me. I believe he lost control and has a psychological problem, and I am the kind of person who want s to help people with problems. I don't think he meant to hit me so hard, but he did. I was in the hospital for six days. I had a long recovery time. The first time he hit me it was in the face. It was awful emotionally, but I was fine. I never imagined he would really hurt me. Do not make my mistake. You are not wrong to still love him. You are not wrong to want to hold on to the relationship. In fact you are normal. You are however in danger. A line has been crossed, and that line once crossed can be crossed again more easily. My boyfriend didn't beat me regularly in two years he only lost it and hit me twice. It's just that the second time was much much worse then the first. My advice to you is to tell someone, and to get out. It is going to be sad. I won't lie to you. You will miss him, and when your parents who hate him say bad things about him, you'll want to defend him. You'll get jealous when he dates someone else, but time will heal you. You'll have shown strength and you will succeed in protecting yourself where I failed. I hope that you get out of the relationship and stay away. Best of luck to you!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2007): It's now been over a year since you first posted your message. Could you please let me know if things have worked out well for you? Are you still with him? Has he hit again? I'm going through something similar myself and am looking for feedback.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice, I understand where each and everyone of you are coming from. Although I know it was wrong and it didn affect our relationship, I've made the decision to stay. I can't count the number of times he has said he's sorry and I can see that he truly means it. I understand that it could happen again and just to clear something up, that I didn't put in my original question, I didn't contact the authorities and the case is pending. I did want to take action for the specific reason so that he would know that I wasn't going to put up with it. I may regret my decision, but I can't know if I don't go through with it. I'm wishing for the best and, again, thanks for all the input. :)
...............................
A
reader, Your big sis +, writes (27 January 2006):
 Five years is a long time to be together, but it's also enough time for people to change and sometimes for the worst. Think of your personal safety. Your boyfriend has committed domestic violence which is a Class A Misdemeanor punishable by fine and/or jail time. If you do not report his hitting you to authorities, he will know that you tolerate his violent behavior. He will begin to think you will stand by his side no matter how many times he hits you. So one time will lead to two times, then two times to three times, three to four, and so on. It is better to put your foot down now because if you wait, you may not have the self-love and self-worth to stop allowing yourself to being a victim of a situation you can control now. Maybe next time he'll permanently rearrange your face. You are playing a dangerous game by not telling anyone.
If you believe his drinking played a part in his actions, then ask him to stop drinking. Alcohol abuse is one of the biggest causes of domestic abuse. No relationship can have a future as long as alcohol (or drugs) is present. And lastly, if he DOES give up drinking, it would not hurt him to attend anger management classes to help him deal with his anger. And if he DOES NOT want to give up drinking, beware...this problem will only get worse. You are your best protection and worst enemy in this depends on what you choose. Be safe, take care.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2006): I hit my girlfriend once because she was in hysterics from smoking cannabis and not sleeping and she was crying for an hour for no reason so I slapped her and she didn't tell me anything about it for weeks afterwards but she felt I didn't care for her and that was part of the reason. I did try and comfort her for one hour before hitting (slapping) her because I ran out of ideas, and I'm not used to really fragile girls anyway, so I didn't realise by shocked her when she needed care.
It's all right if it only happens once every few years, usually a man will learn from his mistake and he will remember.
If he does it again you can leave him for a while and see if he learns.
Also learned to avoid arguments if he is drunk, and understand that he might be a rotten apple who knows.
If you does it again then you can drop him.
Whatever you do, don't hide your feelings, and tell him exactly that it was a very bad thing to do, he will probably be really sorry and will have wanted to talk about it anyway.
Perhaps the guy is too romantic and watches too much TV, and needed the experience. And he will learn that it's a really stupid thing to do especially in an argument. and on the face..
Anyway, men are made for hitting things it's one of their main survival objectives, say if they are too rough once or twice by mistake it is not there fault . it should only really be one time. It probably means you have a decent catch
...............................
A
female
reader, sweetchick +, writes (26 January 2006):
i really feel for what you are going through.
it's quite hard to make such a decision like that, as on one hand, you love each other and you feel it isn't in his nature to be violent.
on the other hand though, there is nothing to say it won't happen again. he may believe as you've forgiven him once before, you will forgive him again and he may think it is a foolproof way of geting his own way whenever he isn't happy or getting what he wants.
i suggest the first thing you should do, is sit down with him and talk about it-tell him how it made you feel and how it destroyed a certain amount of trust.
second, i suggest you talk about it with a third party, a counsellor maybe, and get everything out in the open. if he genuinely loves you and is sorry, he will not mind that you want to sort it out in this way. i suspect there may be an underlying reason why he lashed out at something so small.
forgive me, i am not trying to condone his violence, or say that you should stay with him, but i believe 5 years is too much to give up and walk away from, if it was perhaps a temporary lapse in character for him.
i know one thing for certain though - if he does do it again you should definately get out of the relationship.
i really hope this helps and wish you the best of love and luck
xxx
...............................
A
male
reader, martini  +, writes (26 January 2006):
 I don't believe in 2nd chances, but 'oddly', you can give him a 2nd chance on this one. Of course, if he does it again, get the hell out of there! I know it may be bad, but it's a risk - did he hit you because he was drunk and couldn't control himself being influenced, or did he do it because he can and wanted to?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2006): I agree with the last post. It's not your job to make excuses for him. I know you must have spent all these years defending him to your family, justifying it to yourself by thinking of how valuable the relationship is, but things are different now. What you do now you must do 100% for yourself. Take your pride and your dignity back and cut him out of your life, no second chances, right now.
It might be the hardest thing you'll ever do, but not to do it will be the biggest mistake you will ever make.
You are worth much more than this - be happy xx
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (25 January 2006):
 He will hit you again if he thinks you are going to let him get away with it. I know you don't want to break up but men who hit usually never stop until they are locked up for good. Please realize that you deserve to be treated with respect at all times and that there is a guy out there that will do exactly that.
...............................
A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (25 January 2006):
 Sorry to say this because I know you don't want to hear it but GET OUT NOW.
He will do it again now he has broken the taboo on violence in your relationship.
Being hit once you are a VICTIM. Being hit twice you are a VOLUNTEER.
Get out befroe he destroys your self-esteem.
Be strong x
...............................
|
