A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Help! I've just split with my boyfriend after 3 and a half years. We have had some great times and are really compatible together. However, he has a drink problem - not during the week, but every 6 weeks or so he has a major drink binge. He doesn't just get a bit drunk, but stupidly so, ending up with him not remembering what he's done. This is when he goes out with his mates. He's come back before, covered in mud (not knowing how),he's rung me up at 3am asking me to get him as he doesn't know where he is, he's been sick in bed and just generally gets in a right state. There have probably been around a dozen or so instances. I've given him a couple of ultimatums, and although he had seemed to have improved over the last couple of months, a couple of weeks ago he got drunk, woke my 12 year old son and his 11 year old cousin up and took them out spray painting at 3am!!! I was understandably shocked and mad. We both knew that that was going to have to be the final straw. Two weeks down the line, I am finding it really tough (I know it's very early days). I can't stop thinking about him, and think the only trouble/arguing we have ever had is about the drink. He's 10 years younger than me too (he's 31), and maybe hasn't grown up yet. He has tried counselling before, but didn't make any progress at all (not sure if he was going as he wanted to, or because I asked him to). He lived with his parents before moving in with me, and now says he'll go back there for a short time, before getting a flat and 'growing up'. Should I wait and hope that he does, or do you think this relationship is doomed and I need to move on? I would just like to reiterate that I love him so much and we are great together all of the time that he's not in this drunken state...
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (13 February 2011):
Hi there. He definitely has a bit of a drinking problem, or at least a reason in his life for wanting to escape to getting drunk.
Getting drunk, like taking recreational drugs, and gambling, are all methods of escape to avoid having to work on your life to make it better.
There is something missing in his life, and whenever he gets the restless feeling of why his life has no meaning, rather than try to figure it out, he puts it into the "too hard basket", and instead decides to have a drink or two to try and forget about his problems. It's a good way to numb those feelings, and alcohol does a pretty good job.
The downside is a hangover in the morning (maybe), plus as soon as the drunk, dazed feelings fade - guess what? The problem is still there! So it's not a permanent solution. It's nothing but an escape. It's avoidance of the real issues in life.
If he ever realizes this, well then he will have a serious rethink about the rest of his life, and how he'd like his life to be in future.
Unfortunately, it's only him who can decide this. No-one can do it for him.
You can't force him to make a decision either. The one thing you might try however, is to point this out to him.
Food for thought.
His life - his problem - his decision.
Good luck and take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): He's an alcoholic and i suspect is drinking a lot more than you know or see.
Having been with an alcoholic myself and through what you described but much more for years, can tell you that I would swear there WAS NO WAY there was more drinking going on than i knew but guess what? there was.
the bottom line is if he doesn't get help for his problem it will continue to affect you, and you will either have to accept it and him as not changing, or give him the ultimatum of GET HELP and i'll help you but cannot do it for you, and if that's rejected, he has chosen the drink and you should move on.
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