A
female
age
51-59,
*ooconfused
writes:I'm new and not sure how to post. I have a problem and need help bad, so I’m going to write to you. December 9th of 07 I met my boyfriend online. This man was calling me 4, 5 and sometimes 7 times a day to chat. Then 3 times in the past four months he wouldn't call me back and shut his cell phone. The following day he would call me and tell me that he had high anxiety and would prefer to be left alone. At home he was never pick up his phone and that would bother me. Two weeks ago we were both at my house watching television when my phone wrung. Women called me to warn me about the man that I was dating and little did she know that he was here with me. Nothing that she told me was when he was with me. I am so nervous just starting shaking. When I repeated the word June to her he said he new who it was. I then said sorry I have to go because B. and I need to talk, she asked if he is there and I said yes. She then called again. I gave him the phone and he called her names, names that I never heard him say or did I think he would ever. He told me who she was and that He had been talking to her but did not want her. I had heard of her but didn't know that they were talking. He promised me that he loved me and the only reason he was talking to her is because she would not leave him alone and that she threatened to kill herself and didn't want it on his conscious. I really want to believe it. She then called several times to tell me that she was calling so I know the type of person that I was dealing with and to let me know all the gifts that she and other women had bought for him. I immediately thought that she wants me to argue with him because he was still using the gifts from other women. She called several times and left several messages. To let us know that she broke in to his house and took the gifts that I bought him for Christmas and Valentines and told me if I wanted I would have to drive 4 1/2 hours to get it and then we could talk. Another time when she called he told her to leave us alone, that we were engaged to be married, not true. We drove to his house and found that she did break in through a window and found lots of notes and several messages in his answering machine. He called the police and the police officer listened to the messages that she left and told us to be careful that sounded like a stalker. The officer called her and told her to stop and if she didn't we would have to take action. She admitted to the breaking in and she would mail the stuff back to the police Department. She then mailed him his Birthday gift, His Christmas gifts and stopped calling but continued to call me. Every since then I have been wondering what was going on. I promised to let this go because she could not tell me that she was seeing him the same time that I was. This has brought so much stress into our relationship and not to mention making me sick. I vomit every morning and don't tell him. I don't know if it’s from nerves or I’m sick. I don't have health insurance so I can't find out soon. B has anxiety problems and since this all came out his anxiety is so much better. I sometimes believe that he loves me and sometimes I’m not sure. Today I asked him to move in with me since he is going to be laid off anyway and not to mention when I leave his house I feel like I lost my best friend and I don't know why I feel this way. I know its still early but I love this man with all of my heart. He said that we need time before we can move on that way, that we are doing great to not let anything that has happened affect it. Since this happened I’m not sure I believe him anymore. He could have told me the truth about the phone calls. Why didn't he? Please help, I find myself crying every day and can't seem to be away from him. Is this normal? Is he telling the truth?
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female
reader, luvme247 +, writes (12 April 2007):
 He might have told his sister in spanish to be quiet about moving to Florida because he knew that the conversation would upset you and he didn't want to discuss it. It might not have been a big deal. If he loves you then he probablly isn't planning on moving there, but either way he should still tell you what his intensions are. You should sit down and talk to him about your relationship and what he wants to do now that he got laid off. He should be able to at least tell you if he is planning on moving in with you or not.
A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (12 April 2007):
 Let's deal with that psychologist thing first. Virtually all communities in the United States of any size have Community Mental Health Centers that provide psychological services and charge for them based on your ability to pay. Contact your local United Way office to find out where you can get a referral to the one closest to you. You could benefit from a sympathetic hearing from a professional.
About what you guy is up to ... I seriously doubt that that other woman is involved in any major way. He may be stringing you along for some other reason, but he'd have to be mentally a bit off himself to want to get involved with a woman who behaves in so strange a fashion.
I think you hit on the most sensible answer, if he can find a job. Move in together, see how it goes, and if everything works out well for a while THEN begin thinking about selling you house and moving to Florida together. Whatever you do, DO NOT make an irrevocable move like selling your house or moving to Florida before you have some real solid proof of his intentions. Just a few "I love you's" are not enough to base life-changing decisions on.
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A
female
reader, sooconfused +, writes (11 April 2007):
sooconfused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone. Just to let you know that I only spoke to her for a few times and so did he, then she left tons of messages on the answering machine. I didn't even want to listen to all of them. He did contact the police and they warned her and if she does it again then he’s going to press charges on the breaking an entry. As far as the harassment calls, you have to be there to press call trace for it to work. So far she has not called for 1 week and hopefully she won't anymore. I did find a letter that she has left in the house when she broke in that said, why did you tell me that you didn't love me anymore. I'm wondering if he called her and told her that so she would leave us alone. Here's another dilemma that I have now. Yesterday B found out that after this month is done he’s going to be laid off. I asked him to find a job closer to me so we could save some money since he wants to move to Florida to be near his parents and he wants to buy a house. I figured by moving in together we could save money for a home for a bit and since I have my own home we could either sell my house or rent it, but we met his sister for a couple of drinks and he’s sister told him that it was the opportunity to move to Florida and maybe find a job there. He told her to be quiet in Spanish, which I understood. I told him that I understood and then said you know that, I want to move there one day and maybe you can with me. I'm so confused. One minute he’s telling me that he loves me very much and the next I feel that he wants to move away without me. Yesterday he told me he loves me very much and the only thing that has been keeping him here is I. I love this man with all of my heart and should and want to believe everything he says but sometimes I doubt him. Am I wrong to feel this way? I don't know if it’s because of that girl or it’s just me feeling insecure. I don't want to lose him and yet I don't want to be played with. When I'm not with him my heart ache like crazy. I cry a lot and I hate it. Please help me. I feel out of control. I don't have health insurance and can't talk to a psychologist. My best friend is not on his side so I can't really talk to her much about it. She is very judgmental. HELP
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A
female
reader, luvme247 +, writes (10 April 2007):
You have to stop answreing her calls. She is a stalker and she is trying as hard as she can to break the two of you up and it sounds like it is starting to work. If you want the relationship to work then you have to form your own opinions about your boyfriend. How does he treat you? Does he love you? Has he done anything to hurt you? If he loves you and treats you right, then you shouldn't doubt your love because of a crazy stranger's phone calls. Don't talk to her. If she calls and you answer by mistake then tell her that you are not interested in her phone calls and tell her not to call you back or you will call the police. You are letting her work you up and she sounds like she has deep problems that she needs to work out without talking to you. It sounds like you getting sick is probabbly from all the stress. Hope that you feel better. Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (10 April 2007):
First, it sounds like you've got yourself a certified nut case on your hands as far as this other woman goes. Try to have as little to do with her as you can. Don't acknowledge her in any way, if you can avoid it. Don't return her phone calls or react to her notes or let him talk to her from your house or anything. Get Caller ID on your phone and don't even answer calls from her. Hopefully she'll get tired of baiting you and "just" pick on him. Not much of an improvement, but at least it's something.
Next, he's going to have to deal with her activities at his place. If she is breaking in to his home, he's the one that has to get the law involved and force her to stop or prosecute her. The good news is that it sounds like if she is prosecuted and she has any kind of a decent attorney she can probably get some help for her psychological problems as an alternative to going to jail. If she has threatened suicide and then broken into his house, that should be plenty. That woman needs serious help.
As long as the specter of this woman is hanging over your relationship, things are never going to be normal between the two of you. You need to get her out of the picture. Do your part by denying her an audience (you). As the sign says, "Don't Feed the Trolls." He has to do his part, and it will be the tougher part, by forcing her to leave him alone. And that may take legal action that will lead (hopefully) to her getting psychological help that she obviously needs very badly. You may have to be the one that forces HIM to see what he has to do. But if you love this man and he loves you, that;s about the only thing that the two of you can do about it.
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