A
male
age
36-40,
*enisonstew
writes:ok im 22 i'm looking for a boyfriend, and i need to understand more about social ettiquite being i'm a male as well. i definitely understand sex should stay between us, unless i'm involved in "girl talk" so to speak. but what's the best way to handle myself socially? I shouldn't have to live my life in secrecy and shame just because i can't date the opposite sex. if a straight couple can kiss and flirt and be happy and let love manifest in public i will too if the need arises. I constantly hear from normal couples oh my girlfriend this my boyfriend that, and i shouldn't have to feel like i'm less than them. i don't have any hangups or shame in myself or my sexuality, but i'm trying to live my life normally and not be hated on at the same time. details: i'm average, not overly masculine not overly feminine. i kind of adust accordingly. around girls the feminine will come out. around males i sound more masculine. now what is the best way to handle myself in a manner thats socially acceptable?also is it weird that i'd be a lot more comfortable when people see i'm in a relationship, vs when people find out that i'm gay when i'm single?also any tips for finding mr right would also be VERY appreciated
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): I think heartfulloflove has it right about how to behave in public with regards to social etiquette.
I just want to say that you living in the US, a lot of this is really going to depend on where you live, how much of the population is gay and whether or not it is a state where gay marriage is legal.
Here in the middle of the country where I live, you wouldn't want to be kissing your boyfriend anywhere but in a gay bar, but we really don't like public displays of groping and making out even among heterosexuals "get a room" can be heard towards any couple doing too much of that.
However, when on vacation in Florida, I was amazed at how both gay men and gay women were walking hand in hand in shopping malls, men kissed each other in front of everyone in the middle of a nice restaurant, things I have never seen where I live outside of a gay bar....(and yes I have been to a few of those, I know gay people after all)
So, I guess when in Rome do as the Roman's do, that is good advice for all of us.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): No-one is an expert on social etiquette, and to a large extent it's something we all just try to figure out as we go along. Doubly tricky if you're gay, because we're supposed to be 'discreet'.
In other words, we have to shut our mouths and bite our tongues about stuff that (for example) heterosexual women feel perfectly free to talk about - on the bus, in the workplace, in bars, whetever. Like how hot a guy you've just met is, or how beautiful an outfit you've spotted in the shops is, or whatever.
(Disclaimer: For all I know, I probably inadvertently commit huge violations of whatever the 'accepted' social etiquette is, all the time. I've been told I'm 'very forthright' and 'nicely explicit' (which sounds good) and 'extremely unguarded' (which doesn't). Even some of the stuff I've posted here seems to err on the side of 'too much information' as soon as I've posted it. So whatever you do, please DON'T take my advice on this stuff as gospel. I'll just try to call it as I see it and answer your questions as best I can.)
1) 'sex should stay between us, unless i'm involved in "girl talk'...
Yes, you're right. Nobody discusses sex in public. Discussing it in private is a matter for you to decide. Personally, I really value a little bit of 'girl talk' time with my female friends. You get to talk freely and openly about men and sex in a way that just isn't possible with other gay guys (stuff gets around and isn't always kept secret) or straight guys (who don't want to know!) Girls are often very curious and inquistive about the juicy details - how big was he, how long did he last, was he firm or gentle, a good kisser, how many orgasms did you have, etc etc etc - and I don't see any harm in sharing this kind of information if you've been asked by someone you know you can trust.
2) 'I shouldn't have to live my life in secrecy and shame just because i can't date the opposite sex. if a straight couple can kiss and flirt and be happy and let love manifest in public i will too if the need arises'...
Yes, I couldn't agree more. But you need to be CAREFUL about where and when you do this. It's REALLY unfair, but a straight couple can get all physically affectionate in public situations and no-one bats an eyelid. Most people will look at it and think 'aww, that's cute'. Kissing and touching is generally seen as nice, unless it's TOO hot-and-heavy, in which case it just seems show-offy and performative. Also, what's fine in a cosy corner at 10PM wouldn't always be appreciated at a bus stop at midday.
But I see your point: gay people DON'T have anything approaching that level of freedom. That kind of public affection is (at best) seen as a provocation 'Can they not keep that to themselves/ wait til they get home' and (at worst) may invite the very real threat of verbal abuse or physical attack. To be honest, gay bars and clubs are the ONLY safe haven where you can safely have another man's tongue down your throat and your hands all over one another without any worries about being disapproved of.
It's a bitch, I know, really unfair. But you're lucky to live in the USA in 2009! If you were living in 1909, or present-day Iran or Saudi Arabia, you wouldn't be able to even have sex BEHIND CLOSED DOORS without risk of being jailed or put to death.
(I live in Ireland, a pretty modern, tolerant and advanced place. Homosexuality was de-criminalised in 1993, when I was three years old. Until then, it was punishable by 10 years to life imprisonment. The law was hardly ever enforced, but it was there. The point is that gay people were ONLY given their rights, anywhere, because there were gay people brave enough to fight for those rights and argue their case in the face of mean, cruel bigotry. There will always be bigots. There are some on this site. Who undoubtedly think the likes of you and me are un-Christian perverts. All we can do is try to win the argument and not judge them as they judge us.)
So, kissing a man passionately while you walk down Main Street at night might well be seen as a brave step in the direction of that kind of equality we want, where all loving relationships gay or straight are seen as completely normal, healthy and desirable. But you wouldn't be kissing him in order to strike a symbolic blow for gay rights. You kiss him because, at that moment, you really want to. In the same way that, when I 'marched' (well, sashayed) at Gay Pride this June in a little red party dress, I wasn't doing it to freak out 'normal' people passing by, I did it because it seemed an appropriate occasion and a good excuse to wear the gorgeous thing in daylight!
So, rather than get (justifiably) upset at all the ways in which society forces you to 'tone down' your sexuality, spare a thoughtful thank-you to the people who made it possible for you and I to enjoy a level of freedom that would have been unthinkable 50 years ago.
3) 'around girls the feminine will come out. around males i sound more masculine. now what is the best way to handle myself in a manner thats socially acceptable?'
Um...sounds like you've got the right idea, just keep doing what you're doing! I know exactly what you mean. It's normal. It's a lot easier to relax in female company and just be yourself. I don't feel guarded or hesitant around women the way I do around a lot of straight men. If, like me, you're somewhere on the pinkish end of the macho-to-effeminate spectrum, it's nice to know that you don't have to 'keep up your defences' by making a great big conscious effort all the time to keep your voice acceptably deep, your walk 'straight', your hands from 'giving away the wrong signals'. I know that no matter how hard I try, my mannerisms are a bit 'feminine' to the point where it sort of gives away my sexuality.
But for any number of reasons, I have to 'keep it in check' in lots of social situations. Basically this means not reading Cosmopolitan on the bus, and other trifling inconveniences. I don't like to be around narrow-minded people, and I gravitate naturally towards company that doesn't object to who I am. (You could say I gravitate socially towards women and sexually towards men.) But obviously there are situations where you have to 'play the game' and try to seem as straight as you can. So if the guys in the office are talking football (US: 'soccer') and the conversation turns to David Beckham, it's wise to say that you think he plays better on the right wing than in central midfield, rather than sighing dreamily and saying how hot he looks with his top off and how lucky his wife is.
4) 'any tips for finding mr right'
God, I've no idea! I'm too greedy to want just one! But Gerta's right, you sound like you've got the confidence and allure to get any man you really want. I hope you find him!
All the very best to you
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