A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I have a dilemma. I am a 37 year old female who has had relationship problems all my life so far. I have no clue as to what I am doing wrong. My personality is what I thought was my strong point, and I think I am fairly physically attractive, too. I have good hygiene and dress ok. Workwise, I have a full time job and am in the healthcare field. Every guy I have been truly interested in up til now has disappeared or dumped me abruptly. I then find out a week or so later that they started dating someone else right away. I just don't see what I am doing wrong. I am very nice, patient, and put up with what an average girl would put up with. For example, if a guy cancels dates on me, I would be understanding and not make him feel bad about it. I don't expect the guy to pay all the time. I am a good listener and try to help people. In the love making department, I have had no complaints. The only thing I have been told by a couple of guys I dated is that I get angry quick. But my anger is only for situations that I find extremely offensive such as being stood up at an airport where I drove over an hour to pick up a boyfriend. Another example of when I got mad was when I found out that one of my ex's slept with another girl supposedly while we were dating. I think anyone would have gotten angry over those situations, don't you think?So please help! I have tried so hard over and over again to have a committed, meaningful, lasting relationship with a guy I am attracted to but it hasn't worked so far. There are many guys who are interested in me, but I am just not physically attracted to them. And, I do not want to kiss or get intimate with a guy I am not physically attracted to. He doesn't need to be gorgeous, but I have to be attracted to him. Should I join a dating service or what?! I am so frustrated and upset about this! Please tell me how, and where I might meet a compatible guy, and or any other advice you all can give me. Thank you so much!
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male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (12 September 2011):
 head up doll. yes take more initiative in the dating scene. online or what about having family hook u up? shit ive had enough failures and have opted for an arranged marriage that my family will help with. If anything, and I do say this respectfully, it sounds like you can possibly get overly emotional and for most mature men, this is a huge red flag. You do have your right to your feelings def. Id be upset to if some idiot stood me up at an airport. Its how you ealf ass express it. Sometimes the outcome of things depends on 10% action and 90% reaction... steven seagal may do half ass action movies now, but no one cares no one reacts to his crap, just like you should try not to react to crap that hits you in relationships or even friendships. Good luck on this.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): Thank you for your advice. I truly appreciate it.Just to clear up a few questions that arised, I do not jump into bed right away. Usually, it's been about a month or longer before we go all the way. I have had compliments for my performance in bed, I am not sure how sincere. This may sound too personal, but they do try to come back for more sometimes.My temper is stable, except in extreme cases which I mentioned. My reaction was a flip out but not in public. I do not make scenes in public. Once in private,I raise my voice, and insults do come out for those situations. Once I've expressed my anger, I get over it and move on. I maybe a bit picky with the physical appearance, but that is out of my control. If I am not attracted to someone, I will try to find other ways that make them special such as accomplishments or personality but at the end of the day, the thought of kissing them make me want to run the other way! Also, I don't feel that I try too hard. I talk to the guy if he's there and available. If there's interest then I go along with it, and put in effort to make things last just as much as your average gal. I don't smother them. With all that said, thanks again for your help. I will keep those things you all said in mind, and try a different method of meeting/dating men.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 September 2011):
 I don't know you in person , nor the guys you dated, so I'll have to go by just guesses ,none of which perhaps applies to you. I'll try anyway to throw around a few ideas .
- Maybe you are TOO nice ? Why are you understanding if a guy cancels dates ( plural ) on you ? A date is a date, and a pact is a pact. If it happens once, fine. If he cancels with large advance, fine. If he calls you the same day , or , worse, last minute because " something come up ", no that's unacceptable , you've got to let it be known loud and clear that it is not OK with you. Risking to let the fish slip away, yes, - a rescheduling fish is no good. Only date men as good as their word.
- On the other hand, HOW angry you get when you get angry ? Sure the two examples you mention would make even the Pope angry, but how do you display this anger ? Cryng, yelling, public scenes, emotions all over the place ?...Only in movies men are fascinated by " passionate temperaments ".... in real life , they are ( cowardly ) horrified by anything that smells of " drama", justified or not. You don't have to hide your emotions, just have a good control of how you express them.
- You never got complaints in the love making department, - but, do you get positive reinforcement ? Did you meet anybody who actually looked amazed, blown away after sex ? Mind you,not that you get to keep men by sexual performances only, and anyway you can't go to sex school to get a Sex Goddess diploma. Just to say that maybe- by nobody's fault- there was not enough chemistry for the connection to last.
- Of course you don't have to kiss someone whom you are not attracted to but... what men are you attracted to ? Is your range of preferences inclusive enough ? Have you got a long list of physical deal breakers ?
I used to say, in perfect good faith, the same as you : I don't want a runway model, just a normal guy. Sure, as long as he's not short. Or chubby, Or bald. Or hairy . Or wears glasses .Or or or...lol. I- very slowly- learned that you've got to learn to look through your eyes'heart , and SEE the beauty within ( when there's any to be seen of course ).That's not lowering your standards , that's making them more intelligent.
Last but not least , you said you tried so hard. Don't try so hard- it shows. They always can feel when someone is too eager, too anxious, too concerned about making it last, making it work. Funny because men aren't generally very perceptive, but " tryng too hard " they smell it from miles, like sharks with blood.
How do you not try too hard ? ah that's the difficult Buddhist art of " desire without attachment ". You concentrate on giving yourself a happy life, single or not. Good friends, a good work,your favourite hobbies, developping your passions and talents. In the meantime, you keep an eye out, if someone comes by that could fit in, and share this bounty with you. But for some reason when you make the Search for the One your main objective,...it never happens.
On a more practical level: have you tried on line dating ? or, as you said, joining a dating service, why not. Or enroll the help of your friends and acquantainces, there's nothing wrong in wanting to expand your social circle, if they've got new FRIENDS to introduce you that's always fun, then who knows, things may happen. Or, sign up for classes / clubs / associations regarding something that you enjoy , that you love to do, there's the possibility of knowing like minded individuals, and, at least, you'd be having fun anyway .
Stay positive, and best of luck !
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 September 2011):
 Did you jump into bed very soon in the relationship with the past guys? If so, maybe they weren't really looking for a realtionship, but someone to have sex with for a while, til they find someone "better". (not saying that they actually find better, but there are def. guys (and gals) who will date just to not be alone, yet still be on the look out for the BBD - bigger better deal).
And why not try a dating service? Just be prerared that some married guys (and gals) use these to find casual sex partners as well. So don't expect to find Mr. Right right away. Sounds like you have had to kiss a lot of toads along the way. Go out there and have fun.
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