A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy a few months back. At first, I thought the relationship was just going to be sex, but he seemed to be true to his girlfriend and I was ok with that, respected it, even after he told me he has not been in love with her for awhile (they've been together for seven years, but he used to talk about spending the rest of his life with her, but they aren't legally married). We've been talking all the time since, mostly on the internet (we met in person, he's a musician and travels a lot). I want to consider him one of my best friends. Anyway, lately, it seems like he's only using me to "get off", but all of the sex talk brings emotion, and I'm completely head over heels in love with him. He has been sending me mixed signals lately, saying things like "Well I could be single again" when he's never talked to me like that before! I want to tell him that we either need to move on with the relationship, or the sex talk needs to stop. I'm completly worried about how he will take that. My friends say, "Well, you never had him in the first place" but emotionally, I've had him since the start. How can I tell him, without giving him an ultimatum, that I want him and if it's not possible, we shouldn't be talking about sex? I'm so afraid of losing him if I tell him I can't be interest in sex if he's still with his girlfriend, and I want to make sure that I say it right so that I still get to talk to him and keep the friends I made with his band (there's also someone else there who I would miss terribly if I didn't get to see them). By the way, there are lots more factors in here than just what I said, if I told you everything I'd be here forever, so please don't judge. Any help and advice is greatly appreciated!
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female
reader, Rock chick  +, writes (15 May 2007):
dump him fast - he done it to her , he do it to you - mark my words
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2007): First you have to get yourself out of this painful situation, even if it means never speaking to him again. I think you need to say in a simple straightforward way that you're feeling emotionally involved with him and that it is too painful for you to keep up the sex talk without really being his girlfriend. And you can tell him you want to stay friends even if he doesn't want to date you, but it would be really hard to be just friends with him -especially at first, imagine how awkward to just suddenly stop the sex talk and just chat about what you did at work like that was normal for you two. It is not the end of the world if you lose him as a friend, you have other friends obviously.
If he or any of the other guys are truly your friends they will stay your friends even after you say how you feel. But my guess is that he won't want to talk to you except about sex, because either (1) he will feel like scum for making you feel bad and stringing you along and be too embarrassed to talk to you as a friend, or (2) he never really considered you to be a friend and only wanted the sex talk (I'm sorry, I know that this whole thing is painful).
The sooner you tell him the sooner you can start recovering from the torture you are feeling. You can't keep up the sex talk and be happy, get it over with and find somebody nice that wants you in every way. I really hope you can find some peace about this, I know you must feel awful.
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