A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I have a 4 almost 5 year old son who is my life. I am still with the father, though we have broken up twice since our son was born. I love him but I'm not in love with him, and I think he feels the same way, but we are staying together for our son. We NEVER fight, it just isnt there anymore. And recentlly I cant take being miserable anymore, what should I do? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (22 October 2008):
 I think it is time to be honest with yourselves, if there is no love or joy in your lives then what IS the point?
It is NEVER easy to break up a family, believe me I know. Children are extremely resiliant and if you talk openly and honestly on a one to one basis with your son's father I am sure that he would agree that your child's happiness is paramount but also his parents happiness also affects how he will eventually grow into being a man.
Although there are no arguments right now doesn't mean to say that it wouldn't get to that stage if you stay with one another out of a sense of duty because you don't want to break up your family. It is commendable but SO wrong.
Children are far from stupid and they know when their parents aren't happy. They don't have to hear you arguing to know that there is a certain atmosphere or reluctance for the love and cuddles that maybe he witnessed in the past. Children bounce off of us and they see two parents telling each other how much they love one another or seeing them laugh together then they are happy to as happiness is infectious.
Is your child quiet at all? Is he sociable with other children?
We only have one life on this earth and we only get so many chances of happiness so don't you think you owe it to yourselves to both have happiness in your lives. You could end up both meeting new partners who make you both so happy that your son gains maybe two new families with the extended family of both of your new partners. He may gain siblings and both of you could gain step children - whether that is good or bad depends on how you look at it I guess.
Don't stay in a loveless relationship for the sake of the child as ultimately you end up doing more damage than good.
My personal advice is to cut lose sooner rather than later and whilst your son is at an age where he is not going to be doing important exams at school or in his teenage years when he is so confused that he ends up blaming both of his parents for everything that he is then feeling.
Set up sound and frequent contact with each other and visitation rights and maybe talk about the maintenance side of things if you amicable. Try to avoid going through solicitors if it can be helped as they just end up getting a hefty load of money for doing something you could both sort out between yourselves, maybe get someone to draw up something if you need it in a legal format but try to avoid solicitors of lawyers as that will be when tension will come into your relationship and that WILL end up affecting your son. Try to avoid that at all costs.
First of all though talk to your son's father and be honest and open with him and get his views on everything to.
If you do agree to split up then talk to your son together and let him know that you both love him SO much but mummy and daddy are no longer happy and can't live together anymore but want to be happier for him and know that living apart from one another will make that happen. Reassure him that he can talk to either mummy or daddy when the other one is apart from him and let him know in advance when he is going to see the other person i.e. daddy if he is going to be living the majority of the time with mummy which is the norm in the UK.
I split with my ex in June 2005 and our situation was different as we worked together and so he used to come to the home every day for work and our daughter would see her daddy every day. However she started off with every other weekend from day one and that has worked brilliantly, we sometimes have to work around weekends if one of us have a problem and ask the other one to swap and we also work out who is having her during school holidays etc. It works well and we remain amicable the majority of the time.
There are the odd times when we don't get on but it is normally over work related things and nothing else. We are like brother and sister and my ex is still my best friend so it can work out honest.
I am much happier now and our daughter does not have to suffer the arguments and atmosphere anymore and she looks forward to going to her daddy's house.
Let us know how you get on OK.
Good luck and keep talking always OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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